Band: Moran
Pairing: Soan&Hitomi
Rating: 17+
Genre: romance, slice of life
Warnings: -
Note: Because I found out that Hitomi neglected his health in the past.
I remember the day, when you first entered our studio. I remember it very well. You seemed a little confused and shy. You have never liked new situations. You sat behind the drumset, suddenly becoming very calm, you took drumsticks in your hands and you started playing. At first you hesitated, but later all four of us were stuck in our seats. You put your drumsticks down and looked at us expectantly. Shige called out that he had said "it's gonna be great", Lay and Mizuha exchanged looks, and I tried to look away from your eyes. But I couldn't.
"Tomofumi..." That name echoed in my thoughts every day. Even though I saw you at rehearsals, even though we played concerts together, and even though we spent a lot of time together, because it turned out that we got on well with each other, I still didn't have enough. Not enough of your lovely smile, not enough of your hypnotizing eyes, not enough of your deep, low-pitched voice, not enough of your muscles outlined beneath the fabric of your gray jacket, and not enough of your happy laughter.
It was in the Autumn of 2003. I fell ill then, but I ignored it. You were the first to notice when something was really wrong.
"Here you go" you gave me a cup of hot tea. "You sound like you were about to spit your lungs out for a few weeks now. You really think you shouldn't see a doctor, Sanaka?"
"Come on, Towa. I'm fine" I said, coughing again.
You put your hand to my forehead and sighed.
"Yes, no problem at all. And your fever is terribly high as a part of the prevailing fashion. Come home and get cured. Come back, when you recover."
"Really, Towa, I'll be fine" I said, glaring at you.
You were twenty-one and already gave the impression of a person not to be discussed with. But I didn't give up so easily. Not that day.
A few days later - yes.
"Sanaka, go see a doctor" you looked at me firmly. "You can barely speak, you can barely walk, you can barely see. Go see a doctor, screw the tour, health is more important, Hitomi!"
Back then, calling me by name meant you were mad at me.
"I am..."
I wanted to tell you again that I'm okay. That you shouldn't worry.
However, I had a violent, severe coughing attack. You put your arms around my waist and put me on a chair.
"Sanaka?" suddenly I heard fear in your voice. "Sanaka, your hand... your mouth... For gods' sake!"
You pulled out your phone and called the ambulance, as I assumed. I looked at my hand. It shone with red, fresh blood. I could feel its metallic taste...
"Hitomi" you hugged me, before I passed out.
I felt safe. And it was probably this moment, when I realized that I love you.
Doctors thought there's a possibility that I wouldn't survive this. Pneumonia was at a very advanced stage. You've been sitting with me for days and nights. You didn't leave my side.
"You're an idiot" I heard one night.
You were whispering. You probably thought that I'm asleep.
"Did you really not realize that you could die? You're my friend. I wouldn't get over your death. I just can't do something like that."
"Towa" I wanted to say it fondly, but it sounded like dog's growling.
You shook your head as if you wanted to shook off bad thoughts.
"Don't go. Not now, when I love you like a brother" you looked at me with blurry eyes.
I sighed. Your words should please me, but that's when the voice in my head started screaming that this kind of love didn't satisfy me. I wanted more, I wanted you.
I tried to confess my love for you many times. First time at Shige's birthday in 2004, remember? Second time, when we announced the breakup. Third, when we played our last concert as Fatima. Fourth, when we played together in the project. And so on and on. But I still couldn't. My voice was still in my throat as soon as I started to utter this short sentence. I took comfort in sleeping with different people just to forget about you.
But I couldn't forget about you at all. I just couldn't do it, when you called me almost everyday, just to talk, when we had a day off. When you were taking me out on the most gray and cloudy days, because you think that if the weather can't cheer up, then at least we should. When we were spending our birthday together, getting drunk and singing some drunken songs. By the way, that's probably the only thing you shouldn't be doing - singing.
How can you forget someone, when every nice gesture, word, smile, brush of your hand, look gives you a wave of heat? In confrontation with you I was like all those women and effeminate men being dragged to bed by me. You were never effeminate. Sometimes stylists tried to turn you into a woman, but it didn't work.
And then we decided to start a new band. Our own. Different from Fatima. Different from everything.
"So you want to be called by your real name, Kanoma?" you asked, smiling meanly.
You never stopped calling me "Sanaka" or "Hitomi". "Kanoma" just didn't exist in your directionary.
"Yes" I nodded. "And what about you? You still want to be Towa?"
"No, I want to leave the past behind" you replied. "I like the word "soar" in English. It would look nice as a nickname."
"It doesn't look nice" I said. "It needs to be made into something more Japanese. "Soan" for example?"
"Okay. It's even easier for me to pronounce it" you smiled slightly.
You've been called that ever since. I gave you that name. Unique and beautiful. Like you.
I went back to watching you at rehearsals and concerts again. To laughing with you on the set of music videos, drinking after hours, hugging you, when the hard times came. Yes, I could hug you. It was easier than confessing my feelings.
I already knew a lot about you. What do you like, what you don't like, for example you love strawberries and you hate winter. You're ticklish, tend to put on weight easily, often panic for no reason and it's better not to start a discussion with you. Waking you up is out of question, as Velo once learned painfully. I could list all your favorite bands, movies, books, mangas, even magazines that you read from time to time. I knew your friends, who you don't like, and who do you wish would step on a Lego block with their bare foot. I was able to make you laugh, when you were in a bad mood, to move you with a new text, to cheer you up, when something happened.
I knew everything, I could do everything. So why I couldn't confess my feeling? I was in my thirties and I still acted like a child.
I didn't expect that we would finally get together. That at last someone will push us towards each other and we will confess our feelings. And that it will be such a literal push. Patience has never been Zill's trait, and as you can see, this time it was the last straw for him.
I remember lying side by side on the unfolded couch. In the end, I got what I wanted for so many years. My biggest dream has come true. And another thing got added to my list - you're freaking good in bed.
"Nee, Hito-chan?" you started, playing with unlit cigarette. "Have you really waited for so long with confessing your feelings to me?"
"I think I waited... Seven or eight years?" I said, cuddling against your naked torso, still wet with sweat. "Let's not talk about it. I feel so stupid already..."
You brushed my hair out of my face and kissed my cheek. There was something... sorry about it.
"If you told me that you love me that day, when you wanted to tell me for the first time..." you started and hesitated for a moment. "If you did it, I would probably say "No"."
I looked up at you. Your gaze said it all - you really would say "No".
"And I suspect that even if you had done it a year ago, I would have refused as well" you sighed heavily. "Sometimes it is better to wait, because if you drink your tea too quickly, you will burn yourself."
"But if I do it too late, it'll cool down" I noticed.
"You just have to find the right moment, Hito-chan" you smiled and kissed me tenderly.
I've known the taste of your kisses since then. Strawberry gum and nicotine.
And I don't need anything else.
The end
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