Thunderstorm

Band: D=OUT&DIV

Pairing: Satoshi&Shougo, mentioned Naoto&Shougo

Rating: 17+

Genre: comedy, melodrama

Warnings: brief violence

Note: Naoto meets Shougo during an interview and his mind flips, because he's still not over him.

Good thing that he has some control over his emotions, not like some other people.

When Reika was arranging an interview with Kouki and me at NicoNico, I didn't protest. Another meeting where you will have to talk about new releases for a bit. Nothing special.

Worse, it turned out that not only our band was invited.

DIV was invited too.

And of course Shougo and Satoshi had to volunteer.

I have nothing against spending time with bandmates. Or spending time with Shougo. But Satoshi on the other hand...

I think he's seriously suspicious. As if he would leave the band as soon as he dislikes something.

Worse, Shougo is completely crazy about him and sees no signs that there is something wrong with the drummer.

"Hi~!" Kouki greeted them and hugged them both.

Satoshi looked like he had a stroke, Shougo just laughed and hugged Kouki back.

"Hi, Naoto" he said, smiling fondly, when Kouki let him go.

"Hello, Shougo" I replied.

Satoshi didn't say anything. Nor to me and Kouki. 

All I could see was that all he was focused on was not to grab Shougo's hand or hug him.

You can always explain it with a fanservice, man, if you happen to be caught by a photographer.

Really.

I know what I'm saying.

I sat down next to Kouki who took his seat next to Satoshi. Shougo sat next to him and the broadcast could finally begin.

I've been trying to think about my girlfriend and our date tonight. I forced myself to focus on interviewer's questions and on Chou's short, green dress, which she bought recently. She probably would wear these thigh highs with it as usual.

But I've known already that I lost again. That again, after meeting with Shougo, after seeing his smile and probably after going for a beer with him later, when I get home, I'm gonna break another innocent, female heart.

I can't get over him. Even after all these years.

"So, you're in D=OUT now, Naoto?" Shougo asked me after the interview.

We were still sitting on our chairs. It was good, because if we weren't, my mind would become more chaotic than ever.

"Yes. I'm trying to be the good replacement for Minase" I smiled friendly.

"You shouldn't be a replacement, Naoto" Shougo got up and pushed his chair up to the table top. "You should be yourself. It's the best for you."

He shouldn't have said it. Not because I felt nice and the same time painful sting in my heart, but because I didn't know that Satoshi could frown as much.

"You know, Shogo, I don't want to be mean, but just being himself might not be enough for him sometimes, right?" he looked at me with disdain, this time grabbing Shougo's hand and squeezing it a little too tightly, because my childhood friend yanked it out with indignation on his face.

Eventually he was mad because of this unreasonable jealousy.

"Be careful because you can ruin everything by just being yourself" I said before I could think what I was saying.

Kouki looked at Satoshi then at me.

"You don't know Shogo like I do. Nobody knows him that well" Satoshi pushed Kouki away, who swayed slightly and blinked in confusion.

"You think you know Shougo better than I do?" I asked, frowning. "Do you know, how old we had been, when we met for the first time?"

"I don't care" he muttered, clenching his palms into fists.

Is he gonna hit me?

"STOP!" shouted Kouki, pushing us from each other. "I don't know, what's going on, but stop already. Or Reika won't let you go home for a week, Naoto."

"Chobi won't let you as well" said Shougo quietly. "Satoshi, stop."

That moron just looked at him and sighed.

"Ugh, okay" he snorted, turning around and leaving the room.

"Satoshi, wait!" called him Shougo, following him.

Kouki was still keeping a hand on my shoulder.

"What the hell is going on?" he asked.

"Shougo is my ex. And it seems that someone knows about it and has a problem with it" I explained.

"Geez" Kouki shook his head with disapproval. "But I have to admit that I'm amazed."

"By what?" I was confused.

"For the first time I saw him showing any emotions" explained Kouki, making me laugh.

After we said goodbye to the journalist, I thought that nothing would surprise me anymore. Kouki went to do something else and I headed for the exit.

Yet something surprised me. Satoshi was standing by the wall and he seemed to be waiting for us.

"Shogo went out to smoke. I don't feel like inhaling this poison" he said, even if I didn't ask him.

Just like I didn't make him grab my shirt and hit me against the wall.

...my back.

Wait, what?!

"What the hell are you doing?" I looked at Satoshi, confused.

"Don't call, don't send messages, don't talk with him. Just pretend that you don't exist" he growled.

"What?"

"You heard me. Stay away from Shogo. He's mine now and he'll never be yours again" he drawled through his teeth. "Do you understand?"

"Dude, I have a girlfriend. Calm down."

I didn't lie to him. I really still had a girlfriend.

"You don't love her" he said.

Who is he, the soothsayer? The clairvoyant?

"You'll break up with her soon."

"Where did this idea come from?" I was surprised.

"I heard about you changing girls like shoes. Why, are you bored, because they're not like my lover?" the tone of his voice was really disturbing.

"You're silly " I said.

"Naoto?" Kouki approached us.

Satoshi let me go and walked away.

I smoothered my shirt. What the hell happened here?

"Can't you be left for five minutes?" sighed Kouki. "What did he want again?"

"Make rules about talking to Shougo" I replied.

"What rules?"

"There's one: don't do this" I shrugged.

"But you made him realize you're taken?"

"Yes."

Kouki hit his face with his hand.

"We should go already, before he throws you into the sewer or something" he grabbed my arm and started to walk into his car's direction.

What a stupid moron...

But he was right about one thing. I don't love my girlfriend.

I love Shogo. For all this time, constantly, since ten years...

The end

Too much light causes blindness

Band: D=OUT&Acme (ex. xTRiPx)

Pairing: Naoto&Shougo, mentioned Satoshi&Shougo

Rating: 17+

Genre: soft angst

Warnings: -

Note: Shougo explains, why he broke up with Naoto.

Prequel to "Old new love".

I asked someone about something stupid.

"Yoshito, do you sometimes have a feeling that your relationship is too ideal?"

And this person answered me in ecually stupid way.

"Ya usually don't talk about these things, Shougo. Ya must have some serious reason, hm?" he looked at me from behind his sunglasses, sat on the sofa and opened a beer can. "What are ya expectin' from me?"

"I don't know..." I replied quietly.

"Ya know, ideal relationships don't exist" he mumbled. "In our times even relationships don't exist. Luv is somethin' that our parents knew, but when I look at all these divorced aunties, I'm not so sure. And we? D'ya really think that we can fall in luv?"

"I love Naoto" I said firmly.

Or at least I wish I said it firmly.

"Ya voice is tremblin'" Yoshito sat down straddling and leaned back comfortably. "Listen, dude. Ya luv my bro. Okay. But d'ya think that for what he needs this studio apartament, which he rents to students?"

"Studio apartament?" I repeated.

"Yup, this studio apartament, where he lived until two of ya started datin" Yoshito drank half the can in one gulp and wiped his mouth with his hand. "He didn't tell ya that he still has it?"

"No..." I was so confused for the first time in my life.

Later, when I was with Satoshi, I was confused all the time.

"So he has luvers" Yoshito shrugged. "I have too. And K has. Evryone has. It's normal. We're rockers. We sleep around with fans mostly. With women and men. And sometimes with someone where I don't know what the hell they are."

"But... But this is Naoto. He wouldn't..."

"Cheat on ya? Oh, Shougo, don't be naive" Yoshito sipped the last drops of beer and pulled out cigarettes from his pocket. "Ya actin' as a fangirl that found out that her idol isn't a virgin."

"But it's Naoto!"

"And what?" Yoshito put one cigarette in his mouth. "My bro isn't some little god. Besides, ya talkin' with me, right? So I think that ya suspect somethin'."

"Yes, but..."

"Ya didn't ask me about it only for hearin' that ya Naoto is a saint and his penis bugs only ya bum, right?" Yoshito lit a cigarette and inhaled the smoke.

I wanted to point out to him that he should go outside with the cigarette, because even though I smoke too, I don't want to smell his stinky cigarettes in this room.

I wanted it, because Yoshito smokes indecently strong cigarettes and even this smoke irritated my sinuses and throat.

But I couldn't. I just stared at him as if he told me the Earth was triangular. And worse, my blind mind, panicked and, as Yoshito himself stated, naively believed everything.

"Oi, dude, are ya ok?" Yoshito waved his hand in front of my eyes, then took another puff and exhaled a cloud of gray smoke from his mouth. "Ya look like I made ya realize where brats come from."

Maybe I should talk to Naoto then. But all I could say about it was asking him, if he really hadn't sold his studio apartament.

And of course I got a positive answer. He saw no problem with it and I uttered words that I have regretted until today. That should never fall out of my mouth.

"It's okay. You won't be homeless then."

I remember a sadness in his eyes, when he finally understood, what I am talking about. But it's Naoto, so he only smiled and didn't ask, why. He just nodded and asked if I could help him with moving.

The interpretation of this was obvious to me at the time. He realized that I knew about his cheating. But now I'm aware of the fact that I was blind. The fact that our relationship was so great that we practically didn't argue at all, that it was downright boring and too good wasn't the result of pretending to be the most tender partner in the world. Naoto didn't want to hide a fact that he cheated on me. It was just love.

And I, like a real idiot, destroyed it.

The end

White Snow

Band: UNiTE., mentioned Canzel, xTripx, D=OUT, DIV, Acme and Kameleo

Pairing: Haku&Mio, mentioned Naoto&Shougo, Icchi&Ruli, Naoto&Mio, Haku&Yukimi, Satoshi&Shougo + others

Rating: 17+

Genre: romance, soft angst

Warnings: main character's melancholy

Note: A story about two broken hearts, which comforted each other.

Haku was sitting on the floor, trying to tune his bass. Icchi crouched down beside him, watching him closely.

"You should tell him already" he said after a moment.

Haku finched, startled.

"Who?" the bassist asked slowly.

He obviously didn't undestand, what Icchi was talking about.

"You really don't know?" Icchi laughed, smiling friendly and meanly at the same time. "Yukimi, of course. Since when you have this crush on him, hmm?"

"For too long" mumbled Ruli, smacking an unlit cigarette in his mouth.

He probably couldn't decide whether to smoke now or in a moment.

"Alright, alright" said Haku and sighed. "I'll go to him after the concert, okay?"

"Of course!" Icchi jumped up and clapped like a little child. "Take your life into your own hands, you're not a teenager anymore~!"

"Yup, he isn't" Ruli took the cigarette out of his mouth and left, finally deciding to smoke it.

After the concert Haku walked to Yukimi and grabbed his arm, stoping him for a moment. He probably wanted to tell him everything and explain, what he felt, but he didn't do it. He just kissed Yukimi without a warning.

Our staff shook their heads and returned to doing their business, Icchi smiled radiantly, but a little meanly and Ruli...

...and Ruli gave me a sympathetic look.

I stood there staring at Haku and Yukimi as if they were my whole world. Or basically the world and someone who destroyed it. It covered itself with crystal white snow and fell into a long winter sleep.

I don't know since when I loved Haku. Maybe from the first meeting? I know I told him about it a few months ago. And I got dumped, because Hiroshi's heart was already occupied. Not by me...

And now I was standing there and watching Yukimi pull away from Haku and say he has been waiting for this for a long time. Hiroshi put his arm around him and they happily went to the wardrobe. And I couldn't move, every cell in my body screamed in emotional pain.

"It's a little sad" Icchi smiled meanacingly, standing next to me. "But I couldn't watch you get your hopes up. It was time to end this, leader."

"You get the most enjoyment out of it anyway" I said softly.

The squeezed throat made it impossible for me to make a louder sound.

"Maybe I'm just being mean?" Icchi shrugged, directing his steps towards the dressing room. "Move, or people will start to think you're having a seizure."

"Icchi" Ruli scolded him and shot him a look that made it clear that if the vocalist didn't shut up soon, he would be the bottom.

"Alright, alright. I'll go. Hurry up, a cold beer is waiting for us" Icchi stretched and went away.

Ruli walked to me and put a hand on my shoulder, but I shook it off.

"I'm okay, you don't have to..." I stopped, when Ruli hugged me. "What are you doing?"

"I'm so sorry about him. And about Yukimi. And about Haku" he said calmly, trying to stroke my spiky hair. "I can talk with Icchi about his problems with his empathy, if you want."

"You don't have to. And now, let me go" I gave Ruli a fake smile and pulled him away. "Can we go already?"

"Yes" Ruli smiled back, but his smile was real, not like mine.

And so began the several years of pretending that everything was fine, that I'm not falling apart slowly to pieces, and that smile isn't just a mask.

* * *

This state was going on and on, and I had the feeling that I would never get you out of my head again.

I've been daydreaming at some boring party with a drink in my hand, although I don't like alcohol. Lin was talking to Chobi, Yui was playing PSP with Hikaru sleeping on his lap. You were hiding somewhere with Yukimi again, and it is probably in the least permitted place you could have sex in. As usual.

"At this moment of the party it's getting boring, right?" I heard a voice next to me. "Everyone is drunk and not responding."

"How do you know that I'm not drunk?" I asked.

Ena, xTRiPx's drummer, just laughed.

"You've been sitting here for hours, drinking one drink, Mio."

"You're a good observer" I said, stirring the straw in my glass.

"Why are you sad?" asked Ena and I frowned slightly.

"I'm not sad" I said.

"You are" said Ena firmly and cast a longing look at Shougo, who was sitting with Satoshi at the table and giggling like a teenager, probably thinking something the drummer said was very funny. "And I know very well, why."

"You still love him?" I whispered.

I knew these two had been together once, but they broke up under not very clear circumstances.

Ena just nodded, and I nudged his shoulder.

"Just don't show it."

"I'm trying not to."

"I'm trying as well."

"But it's hard."

"And you tried..."

"I tried."

"And you did it?"

"No."

"Neither did I."

"Scary, isn't it?" Ena sighed, staring at his almost empty cup. "I don't even like alcohol, but when I look at them, I..."

"...have to drink this?" I finished his thoughts.

He nodded again.

"At least you're cute. You have the rights" Ena laughed shortly.

"I'm not cute!" I was offended, but he put a finger on my lips.

"Should I prove it?" he asked, smirking.

Alcohol, fake relationships and sleeping around. The only way to forget.

And, in some absurd way, to awaken the hope that someday everything will be okay...

* * *

I felt that Haku embraced me, when I tried to tune up my guitar before the concert.

"Nee, Ryosuke?" Haku pulled one of the strings. "Smile."

"What?" I looked at him, confused.

"Smile. I don't like, when you're sad" said Haku.

"I'm not sad. I'm just focused" I explained, putting away my guitar on the sofa. "I'm happy, don't worry."

"You didn't lie just not to worry me, right?"

"I wouldn't dare lying to you."

Haku smiled radiantly, helping me to get up. Even if almost three years passed, I still couldn't believe that he's really by my side. I can touch him. I can hug him. I can do  everything.

After the festival I was sitting a little bored, when Haku and everyone else were drinking like it was the end of the world as we know it. Or as if there were some drinking competition.

Well, everyone besides Sana.

"Hey, Mio" a little drunk Shougo, or maybe even not just a little, sat down next to me on the sofa. "'Sup?"

"Everything is okay" I replied, leaning on Haku's shoulder, when he was talking with Reika about bassists' things.

I didn't understand even a word from this conversation.

"Are you sure?" asked Ena a'ka Naoto, putting a hand on Shougo's shoulder.

I smiled radiantly, nodding.

"Yes, I'm sure."

And Naoto, smiling to his memories, picked up Shougo and walked towards the door.

"What the hell are you doing, for the dogs' sake?!"

"We're gonna go home, princess. Too much alcohol tonight for you."

"We have to take Chisa with us!"

"Alright, alright. I don't want to have my head torn off by a small dumpling almost twenty centimeters shorter than me, don't worry."

And we, for an unknown reason, couldn't stop laughing because of this conversation.

However, that doesn't change the fact that everything was really okay and my laugh finally became real.

The end

Beauty and the Beast - Stone Heart

Band: D=OUT&Acme (ex. xTRiPx), LapLus

Pairing: Naoto&Shougo, Reika&Hikaru and Satoshi&Shougo in the background

Rating: 17+

Genre: AU, fantasy, romance

Series: "Beauty and the Beast"

Warnings: psychopaty

Note: Naoto has to save Kirei (Shougo) from Yajuu (Satoshi), who's a crazy sorcerer.

____________

Kirei - Belle

Yajuu - the Beast

There was a young man living in our small village, who's name, Kirei, matched his person perfectly. But I'm not going to ramble about his beauty, because this story would lose its sense.

The most important thing is that Kirei disappeared one day. I was worried about him and decided to find him.

"It's not a good idea, Naoto" said Reika, my friend, chewing on some dried beef. "Just think about it. Kirei is smart and beautiful. Someone probably seduced him. Besides, he's a man. Do you want to be in a relationship with a man?"

"Yeah, because Hikaru is a woman" I glared at him.

Reika snorted.

"And that's what I mean!" he exclaimed. "Naoto, I know, how complicated the situation it is and I think that..."

"Are you going with me or should I force you to do it?" I asked, losing my patience.

Reika sighed, threw the rest of dried beef to Hikaru's dog and jumped on his horse.

* * *

We've been riding for hours, trying to find Kirei in the forest, when suddenly wolves blocked our path.

"We made a wolf pack mad, Naoto" mumbled Reika, trying to shoot them. "Naoto, where are you going? Naoto!"

But I didn't care about his calling. Snow was squeaking under my horse's hooves.

In June.

"Naoto!" Reika caught up with me and looked at me firmly. "A wolf pack is chasing us, we should go back!"

"Reika, look around. It's winter" I said.

My friend looked at his right side, at his left side and then at me.

"How?" he asked in shock.

"I don't know, but it stinks of black magic" I said. "If Kirei was here, he could've become a victim of some sorcerrer."

"Or wolves" Reika shot another hairy creature. "Is it just me, or they're immortal?"

"Maybe they are. We should find Kirei" I said and suddenly I had to stop my horse abruptly.

Castle. A castle appeared in front of out of nowhere!

"It wasn't there before" said Reika, even if it was obvious.

Maybe he said something like this, because he also hit the gate with his horse.

"Hey, Naoto?"

"Huh?"

"Wolves are running away" Reika pointed on these fucking mutts, which howling and hiding their tails between their hind legs, ran away from the castle.

I looked at the big castle. Who or what lived here that made these animal react like this?

"Help me open the gate" I said, discovering that it wasn't even locked, just very heavy.

We pushed the left gatewing and walked in, bringing our horses with us. We tied them to the fence and walked towards the castle.

"Naoto" Reika nudged my shoulder. "Naoto, do you see these statues?"

"I see. And what?" I asked, looking at sculptures standing on two sides of the road to the castle.

They looked incredible, like people turned into stone.

"Naoto" Reika shook my shoulder this time. "Naoto, these sculptures are observing us. They're alive. They're alive, Naoto. We should go back."

"No way" I growled. "If this thing hurts Kirei, I won't forgive myself."

"And what if it hurts us, huh? Are you going to be happy as a ghost?" Reika stared at the sculpture of some young woman. "They're really alive. It's terrifying."

"I didn't know you're such a coward" I laughed and walked into a castle, then I froze.

There was even more statues here! Beside stairs, in the hall, everywhere!

"Naoto..." Reika clenched fingers on my shoulder. "Naoto, we should go."

"Firstly, we have to find Kirei" I replied, snapping out of shock.

I walked upstairs, feeling the statues' eyes on me. Reika followed me obediently.

We opened the first chamber, but we saw only more statues. It was also super tidy here. As if it wasn't a castle, but some museum.

"Who are you?" we heard a voice out of nowhere.

Reika jumped out of fear and bumped into a wall, breathing hard and I turned around slowly.

I saw a man about my height. He had such strangely built body that I wondered, if he doesn't have a problem with buying clothes, and emotionless expression. Like he couldn't use his facial muscles.

"I'm Naoto, this is Reika" I helped my frightened friend getting up from the floor. "We got lost in the forest, looking for a young man."

"A young man?" repeated the man. "There's no one here. You should leave."

"So you're alone?" I asked.

The man nodded.

"Yes, only me. I'm Yajuu" the man introduced himself. "Can you leave already? I want to be alone."

"But you were alone, before we arrived too" Reika pointed out.

"Don't be such a smartass, you fool" Yajuu walked to us and looked at us from above. "Get out or you're going to end like other lost boys."

"As sculptures?" I asked.

Yajuu glared at me and frowned.

"You're smart. Too smart" he said. "Get out."

"Can I ask you one question?" I asked.

"Naoto, come on, I don't want to be a stone" Reika shook my shoulder.

"Be quiet" Yajuu glared at him. "Ask, if you really have to."

"Have you turned Kirei into a sculpture too?" I asked, making Yajuu sigh.

"Why should I punish someone I love?" Yajuu grabbed my shirt. "Kirei is fine, unlike you."

I heard snapping of his fingers and my body became numb. I could only see, how Yajuu is putting me and Reika against the wall and walks away.

I almost heard in my mind my friend's words "Naoto, you fucking idiot!". Well, maybe I really was one...

* * *

Some days passed. I saw Yajuu wandering many times around the castle. I don't know, if he was looking for something or just liked to walk. I watched him. He was, in fact, insane. He was talking to himself, cried and laughed without reason and cut his wrists just to write on the walls with his own blood. The most interesting part was that everytime he had such episode, the next day he spent on erasing evidence of his madness.

I heard footsteps and looked in their direction. I was surprised, when I saw Kirei. He looked like a shadow of himself. He was barefoot and anxious. He then stopped abruptly and looked at me. I had an impression that he said something like "Impossible".

Kirei walked towards me and looked at me, tilting his head like some puppy, who wonders, why his master doesn't want to give him a sausage.

"I knew that something was wrong with those sculptures" he said. "Why would Yajuu have the sculpture, which looks like you?"

Is he talking to me?

"Kirei?" we heard and he turned around towards the voice.

"Oh, Yajuu" Kirei looked at me somehow apologetically. "Yajuu, these sculptures are scary. Why do you have so many?"

"I'm a collector" announced Yajuu, embracing him. "Come with me, let's drink some tea. You're going to stop being scared."

"I know..."

"Is there something you're scared of, my dear?" asked Yajuu and despite being a sculpture right now, I felt I was going to be sick.

"This sculpture..." Kirei turned towards me. "This sculpture looks like someone I know well."

"Really?" Yajuu seemed surprised.

Well, I was too. We were strangers, we said "Good morning" to each other a few times and that's it. What is he talking about?

"Really" confirmed Kirei. "I mean, we weren't friends. Let's say we were lovers, who didn't see each other's eyes."

If I was still a human, I would freeze on the spot.

Kirei loved me...?

"Oh, I'm sorry" said Yajuu with fake empathy. "I didn't want to make you anxious because of these sculptures."

"It's okay" replied Kirei, grabbing his hand. "I want to drink some tea, before I faint from emotions."

And he left, like this situation didn't happen at all.

* * *

Yajuu came to me at night, picked me up and moved me to the dungeon.

"If he finds you here, I'll break you" he threatened me. "So pray you'll never meet him again."

He closed the gate and ran upstairs, leaving blood on the walls.

* * *

Some days passed and I was losing my mind. I was alone, completely alone. I didn't see anyone, I didn't hear anyone. I couldn't talk, I couldn't breathe and I couldn't move. It was like being in coma, but completely aware. I had an impression that if I won't do something, I'm going to die just because of stress.

I heard footsteps. It was the first sound, which I heard since a long time.

I looked up and saw Kirei.

"He put the sculpture in the cell" Kirei walked downstairs, took the keys from the hook and unlocked the gate. "Sculpture. In the cell."

Kirei walked to me and looked into my eyes.

"I've been looking for you. And I checked something out. I put a hand on one sculpture's chest. You know, the one, which was next to you" Kirei stood on his tiptoes and looked in my eyes. "I felt its heart's beating. Do you have a heart too?"

I felt Kirei's soft hand touching my stone body. I was looking in the eyes of someone I loved and I couldn't tell him about it. I couldn't even talk. I couldn't warn him that these sculptures are cursed people and that Yajuu is a psycho.

"You're alive" said Kirei in shock, stepping back. "You're really alive..."

He thought for a moment, walking around my cell.

"You all are. Every sculpture is a human. He transformed you, right?" he looked at me firmly, but what could've I done?

I couldn't talk.

Kirei walked around the cell one more time, then he walked to me.

"Hey, Naoto?" he put his hands on my shoulders. "You were looking for me, right?"

I wanted to nod, but I couldn't.

"You're in love with me, aren't you? Am I right?"

And I could only stare at him.

"Did I lose my mind?" Kirei sighed. "Everything is just my imagination probably. Or hallucinations. But I should try, right?"

Kirei stood on his toes and kissed me. I blinked. Did he...

Wait. I blinked?

Lifting an arm was hard, but I managed to do it. I embraced Kirei's waist and put my other hand on his cheek, then I kissed him back, still confused with the whole situation.

But this sweet moment couldn't last long. I heard door opening with a slam and I looked towards the stairs. I saw Yajuu, who looked like wanted to kill me right now.

"What are you doing, Kirei?" he asked, walking downstairs towards us.

Kirei moved away from me. His eyes were empty, like he didn't have a soul.

Kirei ran from my cell towards Yajuu's arms.

"I told you that something is wrong with this sculpture" he cried. "That's a living human being."

"It's not" denied Yajuu, pulling out a gun and pointing it at me. "It's just a sculpture."

I dodged the bullet and ran away upstairs, miraclously dodging other bullets too.

So that's what we're doing now? He dropped snapping fingers and being a sculptor? Now he really wants to kill me?

Awesome...

* * *

Trying to hide from Yajuu, I found myself in the ballroom. I turned around and saw this mad insane crazy angry prince, who tried to shoot me, but...

"Stop it!" Kirei probably decided to take things in his own hands. "What are you..."

And then he had this empty look again.

"What are you doing, Yajuu?" asked Kirei. "Why do you want to break a sculpture?"

Illusion? Wait. He's under the spell!

"Don't even think about breaking it" growled Yajuu, confirming that he can read my thoughts.

Awesome.

"Kirei" I said softly, pulling out my gun.

Yes, I suddenly remembered I have a weapon too.

"Kirei, don't hesitate and run."

"I won't run away" replied Kirei, walking towards us. "I'll stay."

"You chose him?" asked Yajuu.

"My head hurts" said Kirei. "I see two realities merging with each other. I'm tired of this situation. Tell me, what's going on, I won't leave this ballroom."

"Go back to your chamber" told him Yajuu. "It's dangerous here, this man has a gun."

"You have a gun too" Kirei turned towards him. "I remember now, Yajuu. I was suppoused to unfreeze your frozen heart. To teach you love. But you're still a terrifying sorccerrer. You can't even learn love. You only know obsession."

"What are you talking about?" I felt a little confused.

"And what did you think, you fool?" asked Yajuu. "He's some kind of a fairy, just male! And I would make him loyal to me, if you didn't show up!"

"You're talking such nonsense..." Kirei rubbed his temples. "Stop messing with my mind! I'm bad at such tricks and you know it well!"

"So you won't stay with me forever?" asked Yajuu.

"I was suppoused to cast a spell on this castle..." Kirei fell to his knees and leaned on the floor. "I wasn't suppoused to stay here... You were suppoused to find your true love later..."

"Whatever you're doing, stop" I said, pointing my gun to Yajuu. "Break this spell. You must see you're hurting him."

"He's mine" Yajuu grabbed Kirei's shoulder and picked him up abruptly. "He's mine and no one else's!".

I decided to do something. Even if it meant that I have to kill him. I don't know, if Yajuu is a human, but he for sure is a monster.

I shot him twice, then thrice, trying not to hurt Kirei. Yajuu fell on the floor and Kirei ran to me, then hid behind me.

"Is he dead?" he asked.

"Are you a sorcerrer?" I asked him a question myself.

He nodded.

"Yes, but I'm weak. I just know some transmutation spells. And some healing potions" he explained. "I was supposed to transform him into a beast. The guild wanted me to do it. But..."

"But he was a monster already" I finished his thoughts. "What are we going to do with other sculptures?"

"I have no idea" replied Kirei. "Naoto!"

I turned around and saw Yajuu, who should be dead already, but instead he shot me. Bullet hit me under my ribs. Well, I didn't expect that.

Then I heard another shot.

Yajuu fell on the floor and I fell beside him. I turned around towards the direction, from which I heard shooting.

I saw Reika and Hikaru, who ran to us.

"Kirei sent me a letter" explained Hikaru. "Let's leave this place."

"Sculptures... They're humans..." I mumbled, feeling like strengh is leaving me.

"Shut up, you pathetic hero" growled Reika, throwing my arm over his shoulder. "Why do you care about some strangers? Now you're in such condition that you should focus... What an undead cockroach!"

Reika turned around and shot Yajuu straight in the forehead.

"Why can't he just die?" Reika kicked Yajuu, like it was going to help. "Die, you fucking creature!"

"Maybe we should burn him or something?" asked Hikaru.

Well, I was a little surprised it was him, who said this.

But the room could've stopped swirling...

Can I faint already? It's too exhausing...

"Damn it, Naoto, don't go to the light!"

Oh, thanks.

* * *

I woke up in my own bed and I saw Kirei, who was treating my wound with a cloth soaked in some stinky substance.

"Oh, you're awake" he said emotionlessly. "If you want to know, we burned that castle."

"What about the sculptures?" I asked.

"I've told you betore that transmutation is my main field of magic" Kirei gave me a cup with something, which had even worse scent than this stinky mud. "I transformed everyone back into humans. It was a good idea, because Hikaru wasn't able to pick me up..."

"Wait, pick you up?"

"I fainted. I used too much energy" explained Kirei. "Sorry that I put you in such a situation. Well, I mean, you decided to look for me yourself, but I guess you were bored."

"I was bored of being single" I shrugged. "But I'm not single anymore, right?"

"I'm not going anywhere" said Kirei. "If you don't tell me to go. But I'm afraid I'm going to destroy this little town then."

"Do you have so much power?"

"Don't underistimate me!" Kirei seemed offended.

"You told me yourself that you're weak."

"I didn't mean it so literally!"

"Are you sure?"

"Naoto!"

From frying pan to the fire, like they say. Maybe I should die in this castle.

Kirei hit me with a pillow.

Can he read my mind too or is he only still mad?

The end

Letters to days and nights

Band: DIV, D=OUT in the background

Pairing: Chobi&Chisa, Naoto&Shougo, Yoshi (ex. CatFist)&Meiko (OC)

Rating: 17+

Genre: romance

Warnings: -

Note: Chisa's diary.

 "Friday, 11th November"

It's raining. I think that it's a good day to start writing this diary. Maybe it's immature. But it's not a bad idea... Right?

I like rain. I like, when it hits the iron windowsills, splashing drops in all directions. I like the greyness outside the window and the feeling that the sky is crying about the passing time.

I like rain. I like getting wet. It cleanses me. The rain is cool, running through my hair, soaking my hot cheeks, cooling my hot soul. I like rain.

But sometimes it's too cool. Then it gets cold, my bronchi don't like the cold, they don't like the rain, they hate being exposed to it. I get home, use my tiny fingers to take my inhaler out of my pocket and I calm down my dear friend asthma, who has said that my love of rain is wrong. Forbidden.

You say so too, drying my hair with a towel, even if I could do it myself. I love you, but your overprotectiveness infuriates me. We even stopped going to our favourite coffee shop. I want to drink cocoa there again on a frosty winter day and eat a vanilla fruit cake. But I can't, because you think I'm definitely going to have an attack. That's why we go there on warm days, drink tea and eat chocolate cake with nuts, because they don't serve it in other seasons than autumn and winter. It's a seasonal cake. And they don't make cocoa in the summer, because it's a custom.

Sometimes I feel like you're like rain. That I love you and hate you at the same time.

"Sunday, 27th November"

Yesterday was UNiTE.'s anniversary live. It's weird to be on stage with just Shougo. We wanted you to play with us, but Meiko was in the hospital. You panicked like always, even if it's just an appendix. You're as worried about her as You are about me. She once told me she's tired of being treated like a child. Like a doll that will break when you drop it.

I'm fed up with this too. More and more. I know her pain.

But I love You and I can't tell You that. I've never been able to tell anyone what is bothering me. I've always suppressed it. And then I reached for a knife.

I was stupid. A teenager, who thought that if he dies, it'll be better. It won't. It'll be worse. Especially for those, who love him.

It scares me that it's not just teenagers these days, who feel this way. But I can't help them. All I could do was pour my feelings into the lyrics of "Answer".

Fans wonder, why I'm crying. They blame that reaction on the fact that it was our first release. First music video. First look.

It's not true. They don't know anything. They only think they know. That they knew everything about us by reading Twitter posts and watching YouTube comments.

They're wrong. They don't even know, how much. And how much pain and misunderstanding is often hidden behind black marks on snow-white paper...

Besides, there is no us - our band. There is only a project with Shougo and You with coffee in a blue mug, sitting with a cat on your lap in an armchair, reading manga.

* * *

"I'm in my twenties! You don't have to treat me like an egg. My parents were like this and they're still like this. >>You can't do that, you can't go there, give up<<. I can deal with it, really. I'm not a child!" screamed Chisa, hitting the table with his bare hands.

Well, according to Chobi, he didn't have to and shouldn't do that.

"I don't treat you like a child. It would be at least weird."

"But you have to show me that you're older every now and then! We're both adult and the fact that when you were in your first band, I was drawing some butterflies in my sketchbook doesn't mean that you can act like my nanny!"

"Don't overreact or..."

"Or what? I'm going to have an attack? Okay, I can have it! It's nothing! I've been born with an asthma, I've spent a lot of time in the hospital, I know, what I have to do. Do you understand? I know! I won't die because of some stupid trip to the shop or running downstairs! I've been playing games during P.E., before Hayato showed me his guitar. As long as I have my inhaler with me, I'm safe!"

"But it's not pleasant for me or you!"

"Right, especially you, hmm? You're worrying about my asthma more than me. You're overreacting. And don't deny it!"

"I'm just worried about you!"

"You'll develop anxiety, if you’ll worry like that. And heart problems. Combined with coffee and cigarettes, you have it for sure."

"I don't know, what are you talking about just now..."

"I quit, you can quit too."

"It seems that you're overprotective too."

"I just want to show, how it is."

"But I have a good reason, not such stupid things!"

"Stupid things? You're doing stupid thing, Hiroki. If you didn't argue with Satoshi over everything, our band would still exist."

"Satoshi is a psycho. He gave Shougo some psychotropics!"

"You're paranoic. You're going to blame Satoshi for opening Pandora's Box soon..."

"Should I blame Satoshi for asthma's existence? Good idea."

"Hiroki!"

"What? I don't understand. You're screaming at me, because I'm worried about you. Should I be the emotionless human being like Satoshi?"

"I don't want to be treated like an egg."

"I'm not treating you like an egg."

"You do! We can't go to the coffee shop, because it's Winter and I can have an attack. You left our band, because your quarells with Satoshi were stressing me and I had attacks more often. You also don't like to arque with me and you agree with me almost all the time, because you can't even think about making your Sachi mad. He can have an attack, right? But you're such a perfect partner, so Sacchan says, Sacchan gets! If I tell you to bring me Satoshi's head, are you going to cut it off?"

"I can't do that, he's too strong... But maybe I should stab him first? Or should I use some tranquilizers? Like veterinarians use to deal with wild animals."

"Hiroki, please. Be serious."

"I can bring you Yoshito's head. I can win the fight with him really quick."

"Hiroki."

"What?"

"You're trying to change the topic."

"Yup, I'm trying."

"Stop it. We're not talking about serious topics and that's why everything is like that right now."

"I don't know, what you mean. You're overreacting, so sit down, I'll make you your jasmine tea, then we’ll watch some anime and everything will be okay" Chobi smiled and went to the kitchen.

"You still don't understand, what I mean..." Chisa sighed, following him.

"Yes, I don't understand. And I probably won't. But I'll try to accept this."

"But you shouldn't just accept it! Just yell at me, scream, do something! Why do you always scold me only for overworking myself?!"

"But I don't want to yell at you."

"Because I'll get angry and have an attack?"

"Yes, but..."

"Stop it."

"What?"

"Be quiet. Just be quiet. Oh, right, you can't be quiet."

"Sachi."

"Are you finally annoyed? Come on, scold me or something" Chisa shook his shoulder.

"Sachi, stop. This argument is leading us to nothing" said Chobi, opening the cupboard. "What cup do you want for your tea?"

"And you really don't understand anything what I just said?"

"Do you want a green one?"

"Are you ignoring me?"

"Can I give you the one with a doggie?"

"Hiroki!"

"I told you that I accept your opinion. Now calm down, before you're seriously going to have an asthma attack. Or just start crying."

"I'm not such an emotional looser as you think!"

"I don't think that you're an emotional looser."

"You're acting like you do think that. You're treating me like an egg. Like a child. You're trying to ignore the fact that I don't like it. Do you really think I'm just a small boy?"

"It would be really weird, if I thought about you as a small boy."

"Stop joking!"

"And you should stop acting like a real kid!" Chobi turned around and looked at Chisa. "That's bollocks, what you've been talking about! I used to think like this, when I was in high school! Sit down, before..."

"If you say that I'm going to have an attack, I'll punch you."

"You're not strong enought to punch me."

Chisa blinked. He looked at Chobi, then drew in his breath through his teeth, turned on his heel and ran to the bedroom.

"Where are you going? Sachi, come back here! Sachi! Kurihara, for fuck's sake!" Chobi ran after him.

"Shut up" groaned Chisa, taking his belongings off the shelves.

"What?"

"Just shut up."

"What are you doing?"

"I'll visit you tomorrow and take the rest. Or maybe in the next week. When I cool down."

"You can't live without me for one day."

"I can, when we have lives with Shougo. I don't need you 24 hours per day" Chisa pushed Chobi off his way, left the apartment and closed the door so abruptly that a calendar hung up the wall dropped on the floor.

"Nameko..." started Chobi, looking at his cat, who just woke up and walked to him. "Did he just slammed the door? Tell me that..."

He sat down on the floor.

"...that he didn't just break up with me."

* * *

Shougo freed himself from Naoto's arms, hearing the doorbell. He walked to the door and looked through the peephole. He opened it confused and let Chisa inside.

"What happened?" Shougo was confused. "And why did you use the doorbell, you still have keys."

"My hands are shaking too much" replied Chisa, then he coughed. "And this overprotective idiot was right this time."

He walked to his room to calm down his asthma attack.

"He has a bag" noticed Naoto. "Shogo, they're..."

"Well, I think they did it" Shougo looked like one of his dogs just died.

"Gods, first you, now them" Yoshi hit his face with his hand and walked to the kitchen.

He had to drink some beer. Why his housemates have to have neverending love-related problems...?

* * *

"Monday, 28th November"

I'm laying on the sofa. I'm in Shougo's apartment again, I had three asthma attacks and my hands are shaking. I'm pretending again that I'm the manly man and nothing can hurt me. Fans know nothing, I'm not tweeting about my bad mood and other sad things.

Everything is fine, Sachi. Everything is fine. Everything is fine. Everything is fine. Everythinwg is fwine. Everythinwg is fynee. Everuthlpg js frzladi. Wwydhi ihrd eoirsdfku...

"Tuesday, 29th November"

I woke up in the middle of night four times. I counted it. Everytime because of the same reason.

I can't breathe.

It's like you were my breath. My personal inhaler, which makes my bronchi finally work as they should.

I had to rewrite this entry. I barely could read the original one. It's like instead of grabbing an inhaler, you pick up a pen.

Idiot.

"Sunday, 4th December"

Today is Your birthday. I didn't send You even a shortest message. Stupid "Happy B-day!" on Twitter. Nothing.

We're not in the same band. We don't have to be friends. We don't have to try. We don't have to talk.

Shougo keeps scolding me. He says that I can't live like this. That I'm hurting myself too.

Yoshi just stares at me. Just stares, calls Meiko and talks behind the wall, knowing that I can hear everything. That she won't tell You anything, because it would make things worse.

If it can be even worse.

...

It can. I can't breathe again.

Asthma, please, not now.

"Monday, 5th December"

All these things I bought yesterday are empty. They're laying on my desk, they're documented in my phone, on my Twitter and probably on laptops of some fans, who download all photos we make.

Empty like me. Like my soul and my heart. It was my decision, but was it right? Maybe I shouldn't slam the door and leave.

Or maybe when you kissed me back then, in the middle of a starry night, I should've just pushed you away?

Or maybe I just... Yeah. I shouldn't get so close to You. Nor You or Shougo, who doesn't know that I'm home. I'm quiet, quiet like a small mouse. I'm laying in my futon, I'm listening to music playing from my headphones and I didn't switch the light on. I even locked the door. Nobody knows that I'm here. It's dark, I almost don't see, what I'm writing.

Besides, if Shougo knew that I'm home, he wouldn't be so noisy...

Naoto has to be a fricking good lover.

"Tuesday, 13th December"

I went with Yoshi and Meiko to the coffee shop. I ate vanilla cake and drank cocoa. It's winter, isn't it?

But it tasted like paper. Casual, grey paper. Dry, dry like my soul and my skin, which dried out because of weather. My soul is dry because of something else, my soul is dry, because I don't have any tears left. But I'm a man, I can't cry, men can't cry, we can't have emotions. We can't have traumatic experiences, because men aren't bullied, abused, raped, we're strong and what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger. There is semen in our veins, not blood. Right?

We can't miss our younger sister, nor some cousin, who died a long time ago. We can't remember our beloved grandma's voice, when we go to sleep. We have to be strong, manly and eat meat, especially raw. Our hair has to be short, we have to buy clothes only in super manly shops, we can't wear colours, because we can like only black, white and all shades of grey. And if we don't have a job for men or if we're in the relationship with another man, we're not men anymore. We're women. Just like when we're talking about emotions. Well, we can't even talk, because women are the ones, who are blabbering non stop, and you have to shut up. You're a man, you can't talk, you can only nod and discuss about the last sport show you saw. Or sex.

And cocoa tasted like salt. Salty like tears, for fuck's sake.

"Thursday, 22nd December"

My throat hurts, I probably caught a cold. It's not a surprise, I had been wandering around the town for three hours. I’ve met a lot of people, I was passing them and they were passing me by and then everyone walked towards their own destination. We returned to our normal lives, more or less happy. My life is happy, I think.

Everything is fine, Sachi. It's just a break up, you broke up with a lot of women and one man before, this break up shouldn't be a problem for you at all! You're going to forget that you loved him, you're going to forget, how he used to whisper into your ear, calming you down, when you had nightmares, how he took a knife away from you, even if it's just a metaphor. You weren't holding it in reality, but you wanted to, because at this one short moment you got back to the past, when you were sixteen-years old idiot. How he used to take care of you, when you were sick, how he used to kiss your lips and how he used to take you to the land of lust, when you had sex during such December evenings just like this one, during a healstorm.

You're going to forget. You forgot about these women, you can't forget about Tsukasa though, because he doesn't let you. You're friends with him, even if he still loves you. But you're not sure and that's why you dumped him. You dumped him, because you didn't know when his jokes were becoming serious declarations.

And you're going to forget about Ishizuka Hiroki. You're going to forget, because you don't pick up his phonecalls and you don't read messages from him. You're going to forget, because you have to throw him away from your heart. You'll forget. Someday. For fuck's sake...

"Sathurday, 31st December"

New Year's Eve. We have a live gig in few days. My hands are shaking, because it won't be you again. I won't see you, when I turn to the bassist.

I shouldn't care about it.

I can hear my Mum cooking in the kitchen. I can smell gingerbreads she always bakes on the New Year's Eve. Dad is watching his favourite TV show about motorbikes. Hotaka and Bunko aren't here, because Bunko doesn't feel well. She'll give birth soon. And I'm sitting in my old room, I'm looking at my turtle and wonder, what she would say, if she could talk. She would probably tell my parents about my sex life, about my suicidal thoughts from the past and about the fact that I was crying with my face covered with a pillow, because I broke up with you a month ago. And we're both men. I would probably sleep on a train station, because I don't think there is a chance to catch amy train on a New Year's Eve.

I'm going to help my Mum with making a second batch of gingerbreads. And then I'm going to cover them with frosting. Maybe I will forget that I'm a dishonour for Kurihara family, because I can't get over a break up like some stupid teenage girl.

"Sunday, 1st January"

Happy New Year, Sachi. Maybe you should buy this new figurine you saw on Ebay? Buy it, buy it. You'll put it on the shelf and then you can stare at it all day, all night.

Mum asked me, why I'm sad. Is it so obvious. I don't want to hurt her. She probably already remembered this day, when she found me crying in the kitchen, when tears were streaming down my cheeks and when I couldn't calm down even, when she hugged me. She probably tried, I'm sure of it, not looking at the knife laying under the wall, she tried to not to think about how her son pulled it out from the drawer and chickened out at the last moment, she tried not to think, what would happen, if he didn't. She wouldn't sit on the cold floor, letting her almost adult son cry like some small child, she wouldn't be hugging him, she wouldn't be whispering to him that she'll help him, that everything will be okay, whatever happened.

And even if Mum didn't remember this day right now, I did. I hugged her and told her that everything is okay. That I'm just tired and that I have a lot of work. She patted my head and said that this girl isn't worth it for sure.

Yeah, you're right, Mum. She isn't. A girl.

"Sunday, 23rd January"

We came back from tour. I'm exhausted, sleepy and I'm tired of Naoto. I mean, I like him, I like Shougo, for Izanami's sake... Reika almost died from laughing, when we had to save them from trouble. Two men in their thirties locked themselves in the broom storage, because they were horny. It reminded me lof when Tsukasa suggested a simillar idea, but I was stubborn and talked him out of it. By the way, I wonder why the idea of being uke with me is so scary...

Women don't whine. You don't either...

"Wednesday, 26th January"

I've slept for three days with some breaks. I think that Meiko squeaks sweetly and Yoshi isn't very observant. I have the light on, but I don't think he noticed that I was here, behind the wall. Good thing I have music on my phone and headphones.

Maybe tomorrow I'll go for a cake with them too? I want cocoa.

I just need to buy gloves, because something happened to every pair i owned. Either I lost it or they have holes. And I gave some to Meiko, because she really liked the material they were made of. Oddly enough, they fit her hands. Maybe mine are really that tiny?

"Thursday, 2nd February"

I don't know, how to start. Maybe from the end? If I start from the end, I'm going to say that Naoto slapped my face. It hurt. It felt like hot needles were piercing my cheek, like it was burning and like it was forming into a shape of his hand. Hand, not fist, Naoto wanted to stop me from cursing everyone around me, not sending me to the hospital.

I started from the end, so maybe I should return to the beginning. I snapped at poor Shougo, I was screaming about everything, which bothered me and told him that I should have never meet both of you. That DIV shouldn’t ever exist, that this band is the worst thing that happened to me and that I'm fed up with singing songs, which don't mean anything to me anymore. Shougo was furious, but he tried to be calm. Until I started insulting Meiko only because she's Your sister. And a week before I was eating cake with her and she, a sweet young woman in blue dress, has never done anything to me. Never.

And, to be honest, I deserve this hangover. This moral hangover too. Where are my painkillers? I'm going to be sick. Again.

"Friday, 24th February"

I went to the coffee shop with Meiko. Alone. I tried to take her there a few times, but she refused everytime. I wasn't surprised. I acted like an asshole, alcohol talked through me and Takeshi shouldn't let me drink so much.

Okay, maybe I shouldn't blame Takeshi, he just wanted to be a good friend. He wanted to cheer me up, grab my hand and pull me from this abyss - the well without a bottom, where I fell and I can't stop falling. I'm just deeper and deeper, there's less and less light, but I'm forgetting, I'm trying to forget, forget about kisses, promises, rough hands on my body, about all orgasms and rythm in which Your heart was beating, when I used to listen to it, laying with my head on your chest...

I was supposed to write about Meiko. So I could see sadness in her black eyes, I could see that she was eating her cake like she wasn't sure, if she should be here. She couldn't see me, for her the world is black. It's the only colour she knows. She's floating in black water, in liquid darkness, which embraces her and prevents her from touching the light.

She spoke finally. She told me that you still love me and that we have to get back together, because it's nonsense. That we're suffering like someone, who got too small dose of painkillers and we're wasting too much time. That it's some big, unfunny joke for her and she wants everything to go bact to like it was before. She was always treating me as Sachi, not Chisa. She didn't call me "Chisa" even once.

But it won't be like before, Meiko. It won't be until your dear brother learns something.

And until my fragile, weak and stupid heart won't admit that you're right...

"Wednesday, 15th March"

Yesterday I played bass for the first time since years. Reika thinks that I did it well. Rui and Haku too. But I think that they're wrong. Because when I was playing, I saw Your face.

I'm not doing well. And I won't.

"Sathurday, 18th March"

I can't find my inhaler. I don't even know, how it's possible that I can write without a problem.

"Sunday, 19th March"

I don't want to see Shougo so frightened anymore, like yesterday. I don't want to hear my breathing, when it sounds like this.

I'm tired. I'm tired so much that I want to do stupid things. Or sleep all day. Or eternity.

"Tuesday, 21th March"

I've been laying on the grass for two hours and staring at the sky. People were glaring at me, some of them asked, if I'm okay and they walked away confused, when I confirmed. It was beautiful weather this day and I couldn't wash away my emotions with rain.

Why the sky doesn't want to cry? I need it. I need tears, but mine are dried up. Again.

I took my cellphone with me just because I wanted to decline calls. I picked up a phone only, when my Mum called me. It was a nice talk. She told me about neighbours' cat, who gave birth to four sweet kittens. One is crazy, it's always running around the yard and bringing mice. Second one is always scared and a one third is living in its own world and it's no problem to catch it. It's also clingy and Mum is thinking about adopt it. The last one is grumpy and is always walking its own way, other three are playing together.

When I was talking with Mum, the Grumpy and the Crazy started fighting, which ended with the Clumsy one being hurt too, because it wanted to help. Only the Scaried one didn't get hurt.

"Thursday, 30th March"

It's been raining since morning. And I have enough. I want to leave home and go to You even by feet. I want to laugh with You, talk with You, do stupid things with you. Hug You and think about everything and nothign and feel Your hand on my head.

Hiroki, Your sister is right. It's an unfunny joke. Let's return the past to the world.

* * *

Insomnia. Tiredness. Hate for the world. Silence. This This boundless dead silence that seems to have no end.

"It's normal" they say, when I wander between furnitures, not even turning on the light.

Why I should turn on the light, if I feel as if I've lost a light bulb, candle and even a lighter?

Although I still have a lighter. I mess it up in my hand, playing with it and wondering, if any of the promises I make to people make sense.

I promised you our relationship wouldn't be affected by the disband of the band. So what do I get from it? What do I get from it, I'm asking?

Nothing. The promise crumbled to dust. Everything is gone. You disappeared. From my life? I think so. Forever? Probably not...

I kick the chair as if it was guilty. Poor piece of furniture, it didn't do anything wrong and it still is taking my anger.

I sit on the windowsill and look at this cloudy world, plunged in gray. It's raining, large drops fall on the iron windowsill and splash, creating new ones.

Like disbanded bands, right?

I bang my head on the glass and stay there. My ears ring for a moment, and I feel like I hear the doorbell.

The glass is cold. Coffee on the table too. The room is dark. Meiko would say that now I finally know, what I always wanted to understand. What is it like to be her.

The bell rang again. So it's not me hitting the glass a little too hard. Doesn't matter. Let it ring.

Silence again. Maybe it was the postman? At most, I will find a delivery note in the mailbox, it's not a big problem.

I open my eyes. It seems to me that I can see your silhouette in the pouring rain. You're staring straight at my window, watching me closely as if you are waiting for something. The rain runs down your completely wet hair, seeps into your clothes, caresses your cheeks like I did until recently...

Wait a minute.

I straighten up and open my eyes.

You really stand like that pillar of salt in the rain, looking longingly at me.

Without umbrella! You're getting wet!

I jump off the windowsill and run to the door, stumbling over that unfortunate chair I kicked earlier. And for Izanami's sake, you had to do it to this poor furniture, Hiroki? You had to? You're stupid and that's it, underdeveloped bassist in his thirties with three cats.

Okay, maybe I can find a second shoe and not be overwhelmed by my thoughts.

I run down the stairs and open the door to the stairwell, clutching my umbrella in my hand. You aren't here? Have I had hallucinations? In fact, I've been sleeping maybe three hours a day lately...

I sigh, then decide that after I left the house, maybe I'll take my daily dose of fresh air and go to the store. Only after a while I realize that I didn't take my wallet.

And then I hear the dull creak of a swing from a nearby playground.

I turn that way and I see you again. You sit on a swing and swing, judging by your moving lips, to the beat of the melody you humming under your breath.

Forward, backward, forward, backward.

I walk calmly, as if I still don't believe I can see you and wonder what to say to you.

"Sachi" I say your name, even if I don't know, if I still have the oportunity to do this.

You stop so suddenly that you almost fall from the swing. You look at me, I look at you, you at me and it continues for a while, because we don't know, what to do next.

"You're getting wet" I say, eyeing you up and down. "You're soaked to the skin. You'll get sick and, on top of that, you will also get an attack."

"That's why I didn't take my umbrella" you say, getting up from the swing and approaching me. "I wanted to get sick. I wanted to have an attack. I wanted..."

To vanish? You wanted to say this, right?

"Hiroki..." you sigh.

You don't like talking. You prefer listening.

"I know. I'm sorry" I put hand on you wet hair.

You're gonna be sick. I know it.

"I'm sorry too" you say quietly. "Hiroki, you look like you haven't slept since a few days..."

"You too. Except I'm dry" I fold my umbrella and drop it to the ground. "But that can be changed."

"You'll get wet" you notice revealingly.

"I know" I smile softly and put my fingers through your hair. "But will you let me do something hopelessly trivial before your asthma and non-existed immunity show up?"

"Life isn't a romantic comedy, Hiroki."

"Indeed, it's far from comedy" I say and kiss your cold from the rain lips.

You're all cold. And you often compare me to fire. Are we opposites of eachother?

Me, an extrovert with a cup of coffee in my hand, running to another meeting with my friends.

You, an introvert with a cup of tea in your hands, sitting on the windowsill and looking out the window.

Okay, maybe you have friends too and today I sat on the windowsill for half an hour, but isn't it like those dots in the middle of the white and black parts of the Yin-Yang sign?

"Let's go back home" I say finally and grab your ice cold hand.

You're going to be sick tomorrow. I'll be listening to you whining and sobbing that you're poor and sad because of that.

Today, probably in half an hour, if not sooner, you'll have an asthma attack and I'll have to make you a cup of tea, when your breathing returns to normal.

But at least I can finally turn on the light in the room.

* * *

"Friday, 31th March"

It's raining. Again. It's been raining for two days almost constantly. I'm a little sick and I had an asthma attack yesterday, but I'm okay. I'm really okay.

It's okay, because You're with me and looking behind me as I write. It's okay, because Your rough hand is stroking my head. It's okay, because Nameko jumped on the bed and tries to stop me from writing, constantly nudging my hand.

We both learned something. You've learned that you shouldn't be so overprotective, I've learned that I have to ask for help sometimes. And repeating that everything is okay is a lie, when it isn't at all. When all in our hearts, minds and lives is chaos. When everything isn't as it should be.

But now it really is. Our neighbours can confirm this too, because they for sure heard us yesterday. Maybe we should give them some cookies tomorrow and apologise, shouldn't we?

The end

Ai mata daikirai

Band: D=OUT&Acme (ex. xTRiPx)

Pairing: Naoto&Shougo, mentioned Satoshi&Shougo

Rating: 17+

Genre: romance

Warnings: -

Note: "Ai mata daikirai" - "Love or hate"

Or Naoto questioning his partner's life decisions.

It wasn't a love from the first sight, like in all these rom-coms, books for teens and website stories.

You just came for rehearsal some day and you had a good humour and you were smiling for a long time.

And me, 19 years old drummer, were looking at you, as you charmed me or something. I thought that I should take you out for a date. I didn't care that you're older. You didn't look much older than me. You didn't act like that. With your whole personality, you gave the impression that you were younger than me.

But your smile warmed my teenage heart.

"Eat something" I said, when we were sitting before the concert in wardrobe. "Shougo, eat something."

"I'm not hungry" you replied, looking at some magazine about dogs. You were terribly thin and tiny. I suspect women who like "manly men" would scold you for having skinny calves and too girly face.

But I wanted you. I wanted to hug you, kiss you, take off your clothes and love you. But at first, I had to convince you to eat anything, because you and your two glasses of water were driving me crazy.

"Shougo..." I moved closer to you and took that magazine from you. "Eat at least a bowl of rice only."

"I'll be fine" you replied in a strange trembling voice, as if you were embarrassed by my presence.

At this moment, I had doubts as to whether you were really a guy. Maybe you are a woman after all?

After the concert I caught you in the last moment before you fell on the floor, when you fainted. Why my silly brother started laughing then, I don't know.

It doesn't change the fact that I know you because of him.

I took you to the dressing room and put you on the couch. I grabbed your legs and arms and lifted them up. You woke up after the brief moment, which I spent torn between worrying about you and admiring, how cute you look, when your eyes are closed.

From silly "thank you" for the rescue and apologizing for your stupidity, we went on to going to dinner the next day and to the cafe and the brief kiss I placed on your lips as you ate cinnamon cookies like you've never seen candy in your life.

After that, you often reminded me that you almost choked because of me.

We've been together for five years. Without quarells, in full understanding, filled with good sex and the smell of cake in the morning.

And then without any warning it was all over, when you just broke up with me.

Taking my toothbrush from the cup in the bathroom, I wondered what I had done wrong. What am I supposed to feel for you now? Still love you or maybe hate you?

Yoshi, our flatmate, followed me with his eyes apologizing for not having done anything to talk you out of it.

And I returned to my studio apartament, which for years was only visited by students, who had an aversion to dormitories.

Recently, one of them moved out because she bought a flat and I couldn't find a new renter. As if my studio apartament was waiting for me. As if it knew I would need it.

I laid down on the bed and looked up at the ceiling. It would be appropriate to repaint it, because after all these student parties, the number of traces of champagne corks exceeded my older brother's IQ. Although it wasn't that hard.

And you, as if wanting to annoy me even more, left the band that you played in from the very beginning, longer than me.

On my birthday. As if you and Chobi couldn't choose even a day later.

And then you formed a band with that jerk. And you fell in love with him somehow.

I saw you at parties. How you kiss, how you hold your hands, how you hug... Fortunately, I didn't catch you having sex.

But still my heart kept breaking into more and more pieces each time. Until it finally shattered, just like our team, which is just barely pulling.

I joined D=OUT, replacing Minase. Reika talked me into it. And I was smiling and fooling around, pretending that everything was fine. After all, I'm a man, right? A trained, muscular man with no feelings, who can't even suffer from love.

But I could. I've never stopped loving you, Shogo. I tried to forget. I had even a few relationships, but all of them ended the same way - another person hitting me in the face or running from me, crying. Maminya Naoto - the heartbreaker. But no one has figured out that it's hard to keep someone's heart whole, when your own is crushed to pieces.

DIV disbanded like xTRiPx. Your relationship with Satoshi also ended. Chisa invited me to your session band as a support. And I agreed without hesitation. I was happy that I could play with you again.

And when you called me and I entered your apartment again, hope flared in my heart that maybe I have a chance again. Maybe I'll get you back after all. Because even though I wasn't nineteen anymore, but thirty, your smile was still warming me up from the inside.

And perhaps Satoshi's miserable attempt to get you back was good for us. Mornings smell like cake again and after good sex I fall asleep like an angel.

But what is my guarantee that it won't fall apart again like a house of cards?

The End

Old new love

Band: D=OUT&Acme (ex. xTRiPx)

Pairing: Naoto&Shougo, with Chobi&Chisa in the background

Rating: 17+

Genre: romance

Warnings: -

Note: After five years of breaking up with Naoto and after another failed relationship, Shougo thought that maybe, just maybe his past decision was a mistake.

Shougo was laying on the bed and staring at the ceiling.

DIV didn't exist.

Chobi had enough of Satoshi's moods, so he wanted to depart. Satoshi didn't want to depart, if Chobi stayed. And finally they both left. And Shougo and Chisa decided that disband is the best option.

Besides, Shougo also had enough of Satoshi. Even if he loved him. In theory.

How long ago his feelings for Satoshi burned out? How long Shougo balanced on the border of endurance and finally left Satoshi?

He didn't know. But Satoshi still loved him maniacally. He was sending him thousands of messages everyday, trying to contact him. Asking for forgiveness. At first Shougo was picking up calls from Satoshi, but he stopped doing this a long time ago. And was thinking about changing his phone number. After all, how long could he endure such nagging?

He closed his eyes and remembered a little simillar situation, which happened five years ago. When he left, as he thought, the love of his life.

But for Shougo every romantic relationship was this ideal and final one.

But somehow… Naoto's sad eyes, when he told him that they were over, now, after a few years, suddenly made an impression on him and made him feel a sting in his heart.

He opened his eyes again and sat up on the bed. He picked up the phone from the cabinet and lit the screen up. As usual, nine missed calls and ten new messages from Satoshi.

Paranoia.

But Shougo didn't care about this now. He ignored all the messages and missed calls and opened his contact list.

And he chose the one he hadn't called in a very long time.

"Maminya Naoto, who's that?" he heard a voice on the other side. "I have new phone and some numbers got deleted, so... Can you introduce yourself?"

"Inoue Shougo, nice to hear you" replied Shougo.

There was a silence for a while on the other side.

"What happened? Why are you calling me?" asked Naoto finally. "Shougo?"

"Nothing..." replied Shougo, laying down on the bed again. "I'm just sad and... I wanted to talk to someone."

"You haven't called me for years" noticed Naoto. "At most you were sending me direct messages on Twitter. And when you and Chisa wanted me and Reika as your support musicians, he called me, not you."

"I know, I know" Shougo nodded. "But I wanted to talk."

"Yoshi's not there?"

"He left some time ago."

"So you're home alone?" Naoto wanted to be sure.

"Yes."

"Do you want to meet?" asked Naoto.

"What? No" Shougo waved his hands, even if he knew that Naoto won't see it. "It's pretty late, you don't have to..."

"I'll be there in half an hour" replied Naoto and hung up.

Shougo blinked. He got an impression that D=OUT's drummer was really worried about him? But why? He was just sad. Nobody has to run to him like crazy. He just wanted to talk and everything would be okay...

Maybe Naoto's reaction was caused by the fact that they were together for five years? And they were in the same band for eight years? And they've known each other since they were tweens, so Naoto knows him even better than Chobi and Chisa?

Even Satoshi doesn't know him so well...

In fact... Shougo had an impression that for those three years Satoshi just didn't want to learn anything about him.

And as he told him, Naoto appeared in front of his doors after half of an hour later.

"Hi" he said, walking into Shougo's house, when he opened the door for him. "I bought four beers by the way. Is it enough or I should go buy more?"

"It's enough" replied Shougo. "I just have to talk with someone with an objective point of view..."

"And do you think that I'm objective?" asked Naoto, taking off his shoes and walking towards Shougo's room.

"About Satoshi probably yes."

"I'm not objective about both of you" replied Naoto, sitting on the sofa and opening a beer for himself. "So, what happened?"

"Satoshi is messaging and calling me like crazy and he wants me to come back to him" announced Shougo, taking a can. "What should I do, Naoto?"

"And do you still love him?" asked the drummer, swinging his can.

"I don't love him" replied Shougo.

"Did you tell him?"

"Many times..."

"And he still didn't get it?" Naoto snorted. "My, my. And I understood that immediately, when you told me."

"Are you mad at me?" asked Shougo.

Naoto sighed.

"That you broke up with me? No. That you got together with this moron? A little. That you're playing with people's feelings. A lot."

"I'm not playing with people's feelings" denied Shougo.

"And that's why you're again a single as a thirty-two-years-old man?" asked Naoto.

Shougo looked at him, then he looked down.

"Maybe I shouldn't call you after all..."

"No, Shougo" Naoto embraced his arms and hugged him. "You should. Because someone had to tell you this. Besides, admit it. You lost the love of your life and now you're sad and upset, so you wanted to talk with someone, who was your previous love of your life, right?"

"Naoto..."

"I'm still important to you, because we spent five years together. And that's why you called me, not anyone else. Right?"

"Right" admitted Shougo.

"I have an advice for you" said Naoto. "Meet with Satoshi in a coffee shop. You know, a neutral field. Tell him once again that you don't want to be with him. And then change your number. If he'll continue to bother you, I'll tell him, what I think about him. And now we should just turn on the TV and talk about trivial thing. Okay?"

Shougo nodded. He had a feeling that he knows, why Naoto thinks that he's playing with people's feelings.

Is it possible that he never stopped loving him?

* * *

Shougo walked into the cafe and tried to find Satoshi. He was sitting by the table, on which Shougo noticed two cups with coffee. He sighed and walked to him.

"Hi" he said, sitting in front of his ex. "Do you remember, which coffee I like?"

"I remember" Satoshi nodded. "Thanks for coming here. You're always the light that shines through the darkness in my heart"

Shougo had to hold back very hard to not burst into hysterical laughter.

"Can we talk like adults, not like teenagers in love?" asked Shougo, pouring sugar into his coffee. "Do you want to win me back?"

"Yes" Satoshi grabbed his hands. "Please, Shogo. I’m overflowing with feelings, which I can’t put into words, but I really love you and I need you. Don't break my heart, don't reject me. I feel so lonely without you..."

"Firstly, get off me" Shougo broke free from Satoshi's grip and sipped his coffee. "And now start to talk like an adult man."

"So what should I say?" Satoshi whined like someone kicked him. "Shogo, come back to me. Please."

"Do you agree that you'll go to the therapist and you'll take you depression medication, before you cut your wrist again?"

"I don't have depression!"

"So you won't" Shougo finished his coffee and got up. "Forgive me, Satoshi. But this conversation is pointless to me."

"It isn’t!" Satoshi grabbed his hand and tried to sit him down again. "Wait a moment, we can order another coffee and then..."

Shougo freed himself, interrupting the drummer.

"People are staring at us. Sorry, Satoshi. Goodbye" Shougo turned on his heel and left the cafe.

Satoshi ran after him, but the waiter stopped him and told him to pay for coffee or he's going to call the security.

Shougo ran quickly towards the bus stop. He jumped into the bus and sat down by the window.

He closed his eyes. He felt weird. Sounds became indistinct, his vision began to blur and a sudden drowsiness came over him.

Only then did he notice that his phone was ringing.

"Hello?" he said.

He felt dizzy.

"Hi, Shougo. Have you met with Satoshi?" he heard Chobi's voice.

"Yes, I'm coming home right now" replied Shougo.

"But you were supposed to meet him two hours ago. What is talking you so long?" Chobi was surprised. "By the way, you sound rather weird, are you okay? Do you feel well?"

"No, I'm in the bus" replied Shougo. "I think..."

"You think? Shougo, what's going on?" Chobi got scared. "Shougo, are you there? Shougo!"

* * *

Chisa left the kitchen and walked to Chobi, who was staring at his phone with fear in his eyes.

"What happened, Hiroki?" asked vocalist.

Chobi looked at him, stood up and ran to the door.

"Hiroki!"

"Shougo is in trouble" explained Chobi, putting on his shoes. "He met Satoshi in this coffee shop, where they have these delicious cookies with cream."

"The one in the suburbs?"

"Yes" Chobi nodded. "I called him to ask, how he was doing, but he was kind of weird and then suddenly he stopped talking, but he didn't hang up. I have bad feelings about this. I'm afraid he fainted, you know him."

"And what now?"

"I'll go look for him, I know which bus line goes from this cafe to his apartment" explained Chobi.

"Bus line? Why didn't he go by car?" Chisa was surprised.

"He said he would get too stressed and cause an accident" explained Chobi and kissed Chisa's cheek. "Stay here. You already had an attack today anyway, you don't need another one."

"But get someone to help you, if Shougo really fainted, you might need it" replied Chisa, slightly offended by the fact that he was being taken off the case.

"Call Naoto" told him Chobi. "He'll know where it is and..."

"And?"

"And he never stopped loving him" replied Chobi and ran out of the apartment.

Chisa closed the door behind him. He didn't know that Naoto and Shougo were together in the past at all.

* * *

When Chisa called him, Naoto jumped from an armchair and left the apartment. He didn't even turn off the TV and lights in the room.

What happened that Shougo felt so sick suddenly? It was because of stress or maybe he caught a cold?

Or maybe he's just sitting in the bus, because he has to think about everything alone and they'll make him angry because of their panic?

He ran to the bus with 29 on it and looked around.

Shougo wasn't there.

He did the same thing five times, but it was all in vain. Besides the fact that he met Chobi.

"Are you sure 29 is the only bus line from the coffee shop to his apartment?" asked Naoto.

Chobi nodded.

"Yes. When Sachi and I weren't living together, we used to drive this road often. We gave up going there in the Winter when, while waiting at the bus stop, Sachi had an attack" explained Chobi. "Come on, he must be in some bus."

Naoto nodded. They circled eight more buses, but it wasn't until the ninth that they found him finally.

Shougo was sleeping with his head resting against the window, clutching his cell phone in his hand. Good luck no one robbed him.

Or at least they didn't take his phone.

"Shougo!" Naoto ran to him and shook his arm. "Shougo?"

"Naoto, tell me he's just asleep" Chobi leaned against barrier. "Naoto!"

"He's not asleep, he's uncouncious" Naoto took the phone from Shougo's hand and put it in his pocket. "And terribly cold."

"Maybe we should call an ambulance?" suggested Chobi, glaring at the curious passengers. "What are you looking at, don't you have anything better to do? Grab a book or a tablet and mind your own business."

Passengers looked away and started pretending they don't see them.

"You didn't have to react like this" said Naoto, covering Shougo with his coat.

"They realised that something is wrong only when we arrived here. And he's been sleeping there for an hour and nobody wanted to even check, if he's okay."

"Why do you yell so loud?" Shougo suddenly opened one eye. "Ouch, my head..."

"Do you want to go to the hospital?" asked Chobi.

Shougo shook his head.

"I just want to go home. It's probably a flu, because I feel a little dizzy..." he said and tried to get up, but he just stumbled and sat down again. "Whoops?"

"We're leaving on the next stop, sit down" said Chobi. "And then Naoto will carry you."

"What?" Naoto blinked. "Why me?"

"I'm clumsy and it wouldn't end well, besides you're taller and stronger" replied Chobi, leaving the bus.

Naoto, carrying Shougo like a princess, followed him.

* * *

Yoshi was a little surprised, when he opened the door and saw Chobi and Naoto with Shougo in his arms behind them.

"He doesn't feel well" explained Naoto quickly and went to Shougo's room, carrying him.

"Like old times" murmured Yoshi.

"Yeah" Chobi sighed. "Do you think they'll get back together?"

He was whispering, because he didn't want Naoto and Shougo to hear him.

"Shougo probably is planning this, but you know, what he’s like" Yoshi scratched his head. "Do you want some tea?"

"No, I left Sachi home alone, but I want to have an eye on him in the Winter" replied Chobi, wrapping a scarf around his neck. "See you later, Yoshi."

"Goodbye" Yoshi smiled and closed the door.

Naoto put Shougo on the bed and covered him with a quilt.

"Do you want something warm to drink?" asked Naoto.

"You can make me some mint tea, because I feel nauseaous" said Shougo.

"As you wish" Naoto ruffled Shougo's hair and went to the kitchen.

He returned after a while and put a cup on the night stand.

"Here you go" he said, smiling.

"Thanks" mumbled Shougo. "Naoto?"

"What?"

"I don't want to come back to Satoshi."

"Are you really sure about that?"

"I am sure" he replied, clenching his still cold fingers on Naoto's palm. "I want to come back to you."

Naoto blinked. He didn't expect that.

"Are you sure about that, Shogo?" he asked.

"I don't know" replied Inoue after a while. "I mean, I am, but... I don't know."

"When you’ll grow up and learn, what you want, just tell me" Naoto sighed, getting up, but Shougo stopped him. "What?"

"I'm cold. Can you hug me?" asked Shougo.

Naoto hesitated for a moment, then he slipped under the quilt and embraced Shougo with his arm.

"I'm too soft" he said, then Shougo laughed. "But you have to promise me that you're going to think about it. You shouldn't decide about such important thing, because of emotions."

"I promise that I'll think about it and tell you, what I want" said Shougo and closed his eyes. "And I'm sorry that I hurt you..."

Naoto blinked. Shougo was a very sensitive person, but because of that sometimes he kept forgetting that he can hurt others too. And...

It's not like he's been waiting for those words for long five years.

* * *

Several days have passed. Shougo didn't know, what happened that he felt so unwell. Did he panic so much or he got some food poisoning? Or maybe this coffee was intoxicated?

Shougo laughed. Right. Or course. And what else? He was probably slowly going insane. But he changed his number, he didn't want to risk.

He put leashes on all his dogs and went outside. At one point, Sadaharu broke into a run and when Shougo looked where that furball was pulling him, he saw Naoto.

"Hi, Shogo" Naoto patted Sadaharu's head and got up.

It was snowing.

"So, have you thought about us?"

"Yes" Shougo nodded, staring in Naoto's eyes. "Satoshi was a mistake. And when I remember moments with you, I feel... Nostalgic..."

He hit himself in the face.

"This sounds like we were in some rom-com, we should stop."

"But I like it" Naoto put hands on Shougo's cold cheeks. "We can continue this bland romance."

And he kissed him.

Shougo almost dropped the leash, but he managed to calm down. He embraced Naoto and kissed him back.

And he felt like he had never made the biggest mistake in his life, which was leaving Naoto. As if these five years never existed.

The end