In the silence

Band: Moran

Pairing: Soan&Hitomi

Rating: 17+

Genre: romance, slice of life, soft angst

Warnings: mentioned death, based on real life

Note: Hitomi hates silence, because it reminds him of that one event from his and Soan's past he still didn't get over it.

I hate silence. Whenever I sit in complete silence, my demons are speaking in my head. Bad memories are revived, feelings that weren't needed for a long time are renewed. There is fear of losing this reality in which I live.

I sigh, crumbling piece of paper in my hand with another bad lyrics. How am I ever going to focus in this choking, devouring silence, which is eating me inside? In this eternal loneliness that has been going on too long?

Okay, maybe you only went away for a week, but in a situation, where I'm neither in a mood nor good at all, I have a tendency to dramatize.

And I try to write again and nothing comes out of it. I go to the window, open it wide and lean my hands on the windowsill.

Cars buzzing, I can hear the voices of people downstairs, someone slammed the balcony door, someone was listening to songs from "Fullmetal Alchemist" at full volume. It's probably that hard-of-hearing teenager from the fourth floor.

I stand there, looking at the small, concrete world called the estate that surrounds me. Someone in the opposite block is watching a cartoon with the children, a lady is preparing her dinner, while licking her fingers. I laugh under my breath, when I see a couple on the third floor, who's desire was so big that they forgot to close the curtains before going to bed.

I wonder, how many times someone has watched us like that?

An insect is walking up the wall. I don't know what kind of creature it is, but it crawls up the wall as if his life depended on it.

Or maybe it depends? Who knows it out there.

And aren't we often like such insects? We go on without even knowing why. And why so fast? And why are we always in a hurry, why do we walk so rarely, looking at others and the whole environment?

We have such a beautiful, cloudless sky today. Well, maybe sometimes you can see a cloud, but such inconspicuous, white as snow.

The Mazda engine growled as someone pulled from the parking lot. I can hear dimly the noise of the fan that someone must have placed near the window. I think one floor below. The sound of the TV is breaking through the wall. Judging by the names, the neighbors are watching some Turkish soap opera.

Wait a minute. Does this mean the electricity is back?

I turn on the radio and it turns out that it is. It works. And then I realize, when was the last black out.

* * *

I don't know why, but then the sky was also cloudless and the electricity went down for a few hours.

It was well past midnight and I was waiting for any word from you. That you would at least call me and tell me what they told you. And if everything is alright?

I stood at the window, not knowing what to do. Not only was I unable to find a place for myself, there was no electricity either, so I sat in silence and darkness.

Someone knocked on the door. It was an electrician, who announced that the electricity should come back in a moment. I nodded my head as a sign that I understood and he went to knock on more apartments. I don't know, why he was doing this, since people were probably asleep already, so they wouldn't even notice the return of electricity.

Indeed, the light flickered the moment I heard the clang of the keys. No, not the sound of a lock being opened, just the chaotic hitting of keys and pendants together. Clank, clang. As if... As if your hands were trembling.

I opened the door. You stood there, trying to grab the matching key with trembling fingers and you didn't even notice that the apartment was already open.

"What happened?" I asked and you jumped out of fear.

You were staring at me with frightened, glassy eyes, which were even more like two deep wells than usual. You were standing and staring at me, trying to say anything, but you just parted your mouth and stayed that way.

I have never seen you in such state. Even when you had panicked, which you do often. Even when you were mad. You've been always the protective one, the serious one, the resourceful one, the down-to-earth one...

I didn't know how to react. I did not know, what to do.

"What's going on, Tomofumi?" I asked once again. "Tomofumi!"

The keys fell from your hand. You fell to your knees and hugged my legs.

Well, at least I got some reaction.

"Zill... Saburou..." you whispered, clutching your fingers tightly on my legs. "I arrived... A few minutes too late... I arrived a few minutes too late..."

I blinked. I was standing like that for a while, then I sighed and closed my eyes.

"Grab the keys" I said coldly.

You nodded and grabbed one of the key rings and I grabbed your shoulders and lifted you.

"Come."

We entered our flat. I locked the door, leaned on it and fell to the floor. Here, in our home, we could start crying.

Maybe because o this I hate the silence? Maybe because it reminds me of this day, when we lost our friend?

I hear the sound of a key turning in the lock. You enter the house and greet Maa-kun by patting his head.

"Hitomi?" you look at me, worried. "What happened? You look sad."

"There was no electricity" I explain.

You nod your head, undersanding well, why I act like this.

"I'll make some tea" you smile, brushing your fingers lightly on my arm as you walk past me towards the kitchen.

After all these years together we don't have to say everything. We understand each other practically without words.

The radio goes silent. I think they have more serious problems than I thought.

"I think we can't make tea at the moment!" I hear your laughing voice from the kitchen.

And I realize that with you even the silence isn't so scary. Especially, when you're killing it with your hopeful laugh.

The end