Band: Kagrra,
Pairing: Isshi&Nao
Rating: 17+
Genre: slice of Life, angst
Warnings: paranormal existence, death
Note: "People asked me for half of my life if I'm feeling lonely. If I don't want to find someone to replace you. I wouldn't be able to find anyone to replace you. It's impossible. I cannot give away my heart to someone else. You'd have to give it back to me first."
I remember that day like through the fog.
Information, running, letters, the sound of knees hitting the floor.
Later it only got worse. I felt like in a trance. I heard your voice, I saw your smile, I felt your hands on my shoulders. People passed me by like shadows, like they didn't even exist. They spoke to me, but I didn't hear them. Sometimes I thought they're screaming at me, but I didn't pay attention to them. This lasted for two weeks.
"Have you ever thought about how wpuld it be to live alone?"
"What are you talking about?"
"You know what I'm talking about."
"You're saying I should imagine what would it be like if we'd break up? We went through it once. It seemed to do us some good, but no one knows how it could end for us."
"If it didn't end like that? If we wouldn't find you back then?"
"Yamiyo, listen. There's a lot of time left to my death. You'll wave to live with me for tens of years."
"Shino..."
"Yes?"
"You promise you'll outlive me?"
"Why do you ask me this?"
"I cannot imagine a life without you. When I try, you appear in it anyway."
"You really worry about such things all the time? Focus on the present, Yamiyo. It's the most important time. There's no future without present time."
We had this conversation long ago. We had no idea you were wrong. No one knew and Miss Death was already around the corner, waiting for a moment to start chasing you.
I remember how I broke out from under the caring wings our friends. I went to the empty house. Maybe not quite empty, because Otaki instantly climbed on my lap and your other pets looked at me in confusion. Like they wanted to know why I didn't bring you home with me. Those were only pets. They wouldn't understand even if I explained it to them. I, myself, didn't understand it. I was so scared of the silence around me I had no strenght to talk with anyone.
Loneliness. Even though everyone called me and came to visit, to talk... I felt lonely anyway. Like my soul had died with you and left the empty body behind.
I visited the cementary everyday. This became my habit since we buried you. Every day about the same time I was standing over your grave. On the hour Akiya and Tora have found you.
I tried not to cry, but I couldn't take it anymore that day. Two months have passed already and I was still thinking about your words.
"You'll never be lonely again, Yamiyo. Or at least I won't leave you alone."
You left me. You left me and went to the other side, not taking me with you or at least letting me know that you'll go there. Why didn't you tell me?
I fell on my knees. I didn't know what was going on with me for the last few hours. I made myself some tea, then completely forgot about it. Windows closed by themselves, dogs were barking for no reason. I woke up in bed, even though I fell asleep on the couch. I woke up for a moment at night and I felt your touch and heard your calming voice.
"Sleep, I'm with you."
This was bigger than me. Everything about it was bigger than me. I started crying out of hopelesness, because I wasn't and won't ever be a God to be able to bring you back to life. This will never happen.
But then I felt your hand on my shoulder. I turned around and I saw you. You were smiling and I started t wonder if it was really you.
You stayed with me. You didn't leave this time.
You started telling about this to different people. Some of them believed and some didn't. One person went insane and a few years later they committed suicide.
Yes, he killed himself. He didn't know suicide victims will never see the light. He didn't even believe there's life after death, so he had no clue he'll get punished for killing himself. Sad, but true.
Every time I came to his grave, he asked me to help him get out from that flat, where some higher force held him and let him on the cementary only when someone visited him. Sadly, I couldn't help him.
Well, do you remember his funeral, Shino? His mother fainted in the arms of his father. His brother kept his face covered with his hands, bandmates didn't now what to do with themselves. Later you told me, he was standing there, shocked, but not feeling any compassion towards anyone. He realized what had he done only after you told him.
People asked me for half of my life if I'm feeling lonely. If I don't want to find someone to replace you. You even asked me about this yourself. How many uears have passed from your death back then. Ten? Eleven? Something like that, right?
"Sometimes I feel bad about the way I treated Aoi back then. Maybe you'd be happy with him..."
"Are you a dummy? I'd rather be with you, Shino. Even if you're a ghost. I'd be with you even if you didn't come back. I wouldn't be able to find anyone to replace you. It's impossible. I cannot give away my heart to someone else."
"Why?"
"You have it. You'd have to give it back to me first."
Remember? You froze back then. You let me out and I didn't know, why. I looked for you in the dark until I finally touched you. You were crying. When I asked why, you said you had no idea someone could love you so much.
I died a few days after one of your death anniversaries.
"It's a starrless night, Shino."
"I see."
"All stars have disappeared."
"I'd say they appeared."
"Right. Maybe one finally should appear?"
"What are you talking about?"
"I'm sleepy."
"Should I carry you to the beedroom?"
I shook my head and closed my eyes.
"You know, Shino?"
"Yes, Yamiyo?"
I stood next to you, while you were still looking at my body.
"I love you, Shinohara."
You looked at me, shocked.
"Your soul is young."
"So is yours. It's even younger than your body when you died, honey."
"Do souls age only to a certain moment?"
"Apparently. Let's go look for our friends."
They weren't mad we're going away. Emotions took over them only just at my funeral.
"They will also die one day. Look, Akiya's hair is almost white, Shin's health is acting up and Izumi is hardly walking. Don't worry. They'll join us soon."
Put rose boquet on the grave and grabbed your hand.
"Together?"
"Always."
I don't know what I'll see on the other side, behind the warm light, we're running through. I only know I won't be alone there.
The end
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