Letters to days and nights

Band: DIV, D=OUT in the background

Pairing: Chobi&Chisa, Naoto&Shougo, Yoshi (ex. CatFist)&Meiko (OC)

Rating: 17+

Genre: romance

Warnings: -

Note: Chisa's diary.

 "Friday, 11th November"

It's raining. I think that it's a good day to start writing this diary. Maybe it's immature. But it's not a bad idea... Right?

I like rain. I like, when it hits the iron windowsills, splashing drops in all directions. I like the greyness outside the window and the feeling that the sky is crying about the passing time.

I like rain. I like getting wet. It cleanses me. The rain is cool, running through my hair, soaking my hot cheeks, cooling my hot soul. I like rain.

But sometimes it's too cool. Then it gets cold, my bronchi don't like the cold, they don't like the rain, they hate being exposed to it. I get home, use my tiny fingers to take my inhaler out of my pocket and I calm down my dear friend asthma, who has said that my love of rain is wrong. Forbidden.

You say so too, drying my hair with a towel, even if I could do it myself. I love you, but your overprotectiveness infuriates me. We even stopped going to our favourite coffee shop. I want to drink cocoa there again on a frosty winter day and eat a vanilla fruit cake. But I can't, because you think I'm definitely going to have an attack. That's why we go there on warm days, drink tea and eat chocolate cake with nuts, because they don't serve it in other seasons than autumn and winter. It's a seasonal cake. And they don't make cocoa in the summer, because it's a custom.

Sometimes I feel like you're like rain. That I love you and hate you at the same time.

"Sunday, 27th November"

Yesterday was UNiTE.'s anniversary live. It's weird to be on stage with just Shougo. We wanted you to play with us, but Meiko was in the hospital. You panicked like always, even if it's just an appendix. You're as worried about her as You are about me. She once told me she's tired of being treated like a child. Like a doll that will break when you drop it.

I'm fed up with this too. More and more. I know her pain.

But I love You and I can't tell You that. I've never been able to tell anyone what is bothering me. I've always suppressed it. And then I reached for a knife.

I was stupid. A teenager, who thought that if he dies, it'll be better. It won't. It'll be worse. Especially for those, who love him.

It scares me that it's not just teenagers these days, who feel this way. But I can't help them. All I could do was pour my feelings into the lyrics of "Answer".

Fans wonder, why I'm crying. They blame that reaction on the fact that it was our first release. First music video. First look.

It's not true. They don't know anything. They only think they know. That they knew everything about us by reading Twitter posts and watching YouTube comments.

They're wrong. They don't even know, how much. And how much pain and misunderstanding is often hidden behind black marks on snow-white paper...

Besides, there is no us - our band. There is only a project with Shougo and You with coffee in a blue mug, sitting with a cat on your lap in an armchair, reading manga.

* * *

"I'm in my twenties! You don't have to treat me like an egg. My parents were like this and they're still like this. >>You can't do that, you can't go there, give up<<. I can deal with it, really. I'm not a child!" screamed Chisa, hitting the table with his bare hands.

Well, according to Chobi, he didn't have to and shouldn't do that.

"I don't treat you like a child. It would be at least weird."

"But you have to show me that you're older every now and then! We're both adult and the fact that when you were in your first band, I was drawing some butterflies in my sketchbook doesn't mean that you can act like my nanny!"

"Don't overreact or..."

"Or what? I'm going to have an attack? Okay, I can have it! It's nothing! I've been born with an asthma, I've spent a lot of time in the hospital, I know, what I have to do. Do you understand? I know! I won't die because of some stupid trip to the shop or running downstairs! I've been playing games during P.E., before Hayato showed me his guitar. As long as I have my inhaler with me, I'm safe!"

"But it's not pleasant for me or you!"

"Right, especially you, hmm? You're worrying about my asthma more than me. You're overreacting. And don't deny it!"

"I'm just worried about you!"

"You'll develop anxiety, if you’ll worry like that. And heart problems. Combined with coffee and cigarettes, you have it for sure."

"I don't know, what are you talking about just now..."

"I quit, you can quit too."

"It seems that you're overprotective too."

"I just want to show, how it is."

"But I have a good reason, not such stupid things!"

"Stupid things? You're doing stupid thing, Hiroki. If you didn't argue with Satoshi over everything, our band would still exist."

"Satoshi is a psycho. He gave Shougo some psychotropics!"

"You're paranoic. You're going to blame Satoshi for opening Pandora's Box soon..."

"Should I blame Satoshi for asthma's existence? Good idea."

"Hiroki!"

"What? I don't understand. You're screaming at me, because I'm worried about you. Should I be the emotionless human being like Satoshi?"

"I don't want to be treated like an egg."

"I'm not treating you like an egg."

"You do! We can't go to the coffee shop, because it's Winter and I can have an attack. You left our band, because your quarells with Satoshi were stressing me and I had attacks more often. You also don't like to arque with me and you agree with me almost all the time, because you can't even think about making your Sachi mad. He can have an attack, right? But you're such a perfect partner, so Sacchan says, Sacchan gets! If I tell you to bring me Satoshi's head, are you going to cut it off?"

"I can't do that, he's too strong... But maybe I should stab him first? Or should I use some tranquilizers? Like veterinarians use to deal with wild animals."

"Hiroki, please. Be serious."

"I can bring you Yoshito's head. I can win the fight with him really quick."

"Hiroki."

"What?"

"You're trying to change the topic."

"Yup, I'm trying."

"Stop it. We're not talking about serious topics and that's why everything is like that right now."

"I don't know, what you mean. You're overreacting, so sit down, I'll make you your jasmine tea, then we’ll watch some anime and everything will be okay" Chobi smiled and went to the kitchen.

"You still don't understand, what I mean..." Chisa sighed, following him.

"Yes, I don't understand. And I probably won't. But I'll try to accept this."

"But you shouldn't just accept it! Just yell at me, scream, do something! Why do you always scold me only for overworking myself?!"

"But I don't want to yell at you."

"Because I'll get angry and have an attack?"

"Yes, but..."

"Stop it."

"What?"

"Be quiet. Just be quiet. Oh, right, you can't be quiet."

"Sachi."

"Are you finally annoyed? Come on, scold me or something" Chisa shook his shoulder.

"Sachi, stop. This argument is leading us to nothing" said Chobi, opening the cupboard. "What cup do you want for your tea?"

"And you really don't understand anything what I just said?"

"Do you want a green one?"

"Are you ignoring me?"

"Can I give you the one with a doggie?"

"Hiroki!"

"I told you that I accept your opinion. Now calm down, before you're seriously going to have an asthma attack. Or just start crying."

"I'm not such an emotional looser as you think!"

"I don't think that you're an emotional looser."

"You're acting like you do think that. You're treating me like an egg. Like a child. You're trying to ignore the fact that I don't like it. Do you really think I'm just a small boy?"

"It would be really weird, if I thought about you as a small boy."

"Stop joking!"

"And you should stop acting like a real kid!" Chobi turned around and looked at Chisa. "That's bollocks, what you've been talking about! I used to think like this, when I was in high school! Sit down, before..."

"If you say that I'm going to have an attack, I'll punch you."

"You're not strong enought to punch me."

Chisa blinked. He looked at Chobi, then drew in his breath through his teeth, turned on his heel and ran to the bedroom.

"Where are you going? Sachi, come back here! Sachi! Kurihara, for fuck's sake!" Chobi ran after him.

"Shut up" groaned Chisa, taking his belongings off the shelves.

"What?"

"Just shut up."

"What are you doing?"

"I'll visit you tomorrow and take the rest. Or maybe in the next week. When I cool down."

"You can't live without me for one day."

"I can, when we have lives with Shougo. I don't need you 24 hours per day" Chisa pushed Chobi off his way, left the apartment and closed the door so abruptly that a calendar hung up the wall dropped on the floor.

"Nameko..." started Chobi, looking at his cat, who just woke up and walked to him. "Did he just slammed the door? Tell me that..."

He sat down on the floor.

"...that he didn't just break up with me."

* * *

Shougo freed himself from Naoto's arms, hearing the doorbell. He walked to the door and looked through the peephole. He opened it confused and let Chisa inside.

"What happened?" Shougo was confused. "And why did you use the doorbell, you still have keys."

"My hands are shaking too much" replied Chisa, then he coughed. "And this overprotective idiot was right this time."

He walked to his room to calm down his asthma attack.

"He has a bag" noticed Naoto. "Shogo, they're..."

"Well, I think they did it" Shougo looked like one of his dogs just died.

"Gods, first you, now them" Yoshi hit his face with his hand and walked to the kitchen.

He had to drink some beer. Why his housemates have to have neverending love-related problems...?

* * *

"Monday, 28th November"

I'm laying on the sofa. I'm in Shougo's apartment again, I had three asthma attacks and my hands are shaking. I'm pretending again that I'm the manly man and nothing can hurt me. Fans know nothing, I'm not tweeting about my bad mood and other sad things.

Everything is fine, Sachi. Everything is fine. Everything is fine. Everything is fine. Everythinwg is fwine. Everythinwg is fynee. Everuthlpg js frzladi. Wwydhi ihrd eoirsdfku...

"Tuesday, 29th November"

I woke up in the middle of night four times. I counted it. Everytime because of the same reason.

I can't breathe.

It's like you were my breath. My personal inhaler, which makes my bronchi finally work as they should.

I had to rewrite this entry. I barely could read the original one. It's like instead of grabbing an inhaler, you pick up a pen.

Idiot.

"Sunday, 4th December"

Today is Your birthday. I didn't send You even a shortest message. Stupid "Happy B-day!" on Twitter. Nothing.

We're not in the same band. We don't have to be friends. We don't have to try. We don't have to talk.

Shougo keeps scolding me. He says that I can't live like this. That I'm hurting myself too.

Yoshi just stares at me. Just stares, calls Meiko and talks behind the wall, knowing that I can hear everything. That she won't tell You anything, because it would make things worse.

If it can be even worse.

...

It can. I can't breathe again.

Asthma, please, not now.

"Monday, 5th December"

All these things I bought yesterday are empty. They're laying on my desk, they're documented in my phone, on my Twitter and probably on laptops of some fans, who download all photos we make.

Empty like me. Like my soul and my heart. It was my decision, but was it right? Maybe I shouldn't slam the door and leave.

Or maybe when you kissed me back then, in the middle of a starry night, I should've just pushed you away?

Or maybe I just... Yeah. I shouldn't get so close to You. Nor You or Shougo, who doesn't know that I'm home. I'm quiet, quiet like a small mouse. I'm laying in my futon, I'm listening to music playing from my headphones and I didn't switch the light on. I even locked the door. Nobody knows that I'm here. It's dark, I almost don't see, what I'm writing.

Besides, if Shougo knew that I'm home, he wouldn't be so noisy...

Naoto has to be a fricking good lover.

"Tuesday, 13th December"

I went with Yoshi and Meiko to the coffee shop. I ate vanilla cake and drank cocoa. It's winter, isn't it?

But it tasted like paper. Casual, grey paper. Dry, dry like my soul and my skin, which dried out because of weather. My soul is dry because of something else, my soul is dry, because I don't have any tears left. But I'm a man, I can't cry, men can't cry, we can't have emotions. We can't have traumatic experiences, because men aren't bullied, abused, raped, we're strong and what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger. There is semen in our veins, not blood. Right?

We can't miss our younger sister, nor some cousin, who died a long time ago. We can't remember our beloved grandma's voice, when we go to sleep. We have to be strong, manly and eat meat, especially raw. Our hair has to be short, we have to buy clothes only in super manly shops, we can't wear colours, because we can like only black, white and all shades of grey. And if we don't have a job for men or if we're in the relationship with another man, we're not men anymore. We're women. Just like when we're talking about emotions. Well, we can't even talk, because women are the ones, who are blabbering non stop, and you have to shut up. You're a man, you can't talk, you can only nod and discuss about the last sport show you saw. Or sex.

And cocoa tasted like salt. Salty like tears, for fuck's sake.

"Thursday, 22nd December"

My throat hurts, I probably caught a cold. It's not a surprise, I had been wandering around the town for three hours. I’ve met a lot of people, I was passing them and they were passing me by and then everyone walked towards their own destination. We returned to our normal lives, more or less happy. My life is happy, I think.

Everything is fine, Sachi. It's just a break up, you broke up with a lot of women and one man before, this break up shouldn't be a problem for you at all! You're going to forget that you loved him, you're going to forget, how he used to whisper into your ear, calming you down, when you had nightmares, how he took a knife away from you, even if it's just a metaphor. You weren't holding it in reality, but you wanted to, because at this one short moment you got back to the past, when you were sixteen-years old idiot. How he used to take care of you, when you were sick, how he used to kiss your lips and how he used to take you to the land of lust, when you had sex during such December evenings just like this one, during a healstorm.

You're going to forget. You forgot about these women, you can't forget about Tsukasa though, because he doesn't let you. You're friends with him, even if he still loves you. But you're not sure and that's why you dumped him. You dumped him, because you didn't know when his jokes were becoming serious declarations.

And you're going to forget about Ishizuka Hiroki. You're going to forget, because you don't pick up his phonecalls and you don't read messages from him. You're going to forget, because you have to throw him away from your heart. You'll forget. Someday. For fuck's sake...

"Sathurday, 31st December"

New Year's Eve. We have a live gig in few days. My hands are shaking, because it won't be you again. I won't see you, when I turn to the bassist.

I shouldn't care about it.

I can hear my Mum cooking in the kitchen. I can smell gingerbreads she always bakes on the New Year's Eve. Dad is watching his favourite TV show about motorbikes. Hotaka and Bunko aren't here, because Bunko doesn't feel well. She'll give birth soon. And I'm sitting in my old room, I'm looking at my turtle and wonder, what she would say, if she could talk. She would probably tell my parents about my sex life, about my suicidal thoughts from the past and about the fact that I was crying with my face covered with a pillow, because I broke up with you a month ago. And we're both men. I would probably sleep on a train station, because I don't think there is a chance to catch amy train on a New Year's Eve.

I'm going to help my Mum with making a second batch of gingerbreads. And then I'm going to cover them with frosting. Maybe I will forget that I'm a dishonour for Kurihara family, because I can't get over a break up like some stupid teenage girl.

"Sunday, 1st January"

Happy New Year, Sachi. Maybe you should buy this new figurine you saw on Ebay? Buy it, buy it. You'll put it on the shelf and then you can stare at it all day, all night.

Mum asked me, why I'm sad. Is it so obvious. I don't want to hurt her. She probably already remembered this day, when she found me crying in the kitchen, when tears were streaming down my cheeks and when I couldn't calm down even, when she hugged me. She probably tried, I'm sure of it, not looking at the knife laying under the wall, she tried to not to think about how her son pulled it out from the drawer and chickened out at the last moment, she tried not to think, what would happen, if he didn't. She wouldn't sit on the cold floor, letting her almost adult son cry like some small child, she wouldn't be hugging him, she wouldn't be whispering to him that she'll help him, that everything will be okay, whatever happened.

And even if Mum didn't remember this day right now, I did. I hugged her and told her that everything is okay. That I'm just tired and that I have a lot of work. She patted my head and said that this girl isn't worth it for sure.

Yeah, you're right, Mum. She isn't. A girl.

"Sunday, 23rd January"

We came back from tour. I'm exhausted, sleepy and I'm tired of Naoto. I mean, I like him, I like Shougo, for Izanami's sake... Reika almost died from laughing, when we had to save them from trouble. Two men in their thirties locked themselves in the broom storage, because they were horny. It reminded me lof when Tsukasa suggested a simillar idea, but I was stubborn and talked him out of it. By the way, I wonder why the idea of being uke with me is so scary...

Women don't whine. You don't either...

"Wednesday, 26th January"

I've slept for three days with some breaks. I think that Meiko squeaks sweetly and Yoshi isn't very observant. I have the light on, but I don't think he noticed that I was here, behind the wall. Good thing I have music on my phone and headphones.

Maybe tomorrow I'll go for a cake with them too? I want cocoa.

I just need to buy gloves, because something happened to every pair i owned. Either I lost it or they have holes. And I gave some to Meiko, because she really liked the material they were made of. Oddly enough, they fit her hands. Maybe mine are really that tiny?

"Thursday, 2nd February"

I don't know, how to start. Maybe from the end? If I start from the end, I'm going to say that Naoto slapped my face. It hurt. It felt like hot needles were piercing my cheek, like it was burning and like it was forming into a shape of his hand. Hand, not fist, Naoto wanted to stop me from cursing everyone around me, not sending me to the hospital.

I started from the end, so maybe I should return to the beginning. I snapped at poor Shougo, I was screaming about everything, which bothered me and told him that I should have never meet both of you. That DIV shouldn’t ever exist, that this band is the worst thing that happened to me and that I'm fed up with singing songs, which don't mean anything to me anymore. Shougo was furious, but he tried to be calm. Until I started insulting Meiko only because she's Your sister. And a week before I was eating cake with her and she, a sweet young woman in blue dress, has never done anything to me. Never.

And, to be honest, I deserve this hangover. This moral hangover too. Where are my painkillers? I'm going to be sick. Again.

"Friday, 24th February"

I went to the coffee shop with Meiko. Alone. I tried to take her there a few times, but she refused everytime. I wasn't surprised. I acted like an asshole, alcohol talked through me and Takeshi shouldn't let me drink so much.

Okay, maybe I shouldn't blame Takeshi, he just wanted to be a good friend. He wanted to cheer me up, grab my hand and pull me from this abyss - the well without a bottom, where I fell and I can't stop falling. I'm just deeper and deeper, there's less and less light, but I'm forgetting, I'm trying to forget, forget about kisses, promises, rough hands on my body, about all orgasms and rythm in which Your heart was beating, when I used to listen to it, laying with my head on your chest...

I was supposed to write about Meiko. So I could see sadness in her black eyes, I could see that she was eating her cake like she wasn't sure, if she should be here. She couldn't see me, for her the world is black. It's the only colour she knows. She's floating in black water, in liquid darkness, which embraces her and prevents her from touching the light.

She spoke finally. She told me that you still love me and that we have to get back together, because it's nonsense. That we're suffering like someone, who got too small dose of painkillers and we're wasting too much time. That it's some big, unfunny joke for her and she wants everything to go bact to like it was before. She was always treating me as Sachi, not Chisa. She didn't call me "Chisa" even once.

But it won't be like before, Meiko. It won't be until your dear brother learns something.

And until my fragile, weak and stupid heart won't admit that you're right...

"Wednesday, 15th March"

Yesterday I played bass for the first time since years. Reika thinks that I did it well. Rui and Haku too. But I think that they're wrong. Because when I was playing, I saw Your face.

I'm not doing well. And I won't.

"Sathurday, 18th March"

I can't find my inhaler. I don't even know, how it's possible that I can write without a problem.

"Sunday, 19th March"

I don't want to see Shougo so frightened anymore, like yesterday. I don't want to hear my breathing, when it sounds like this.

I'm tired. I'm tired so much that I want to do stupid things. Or sleep all day. Or eternity.

"Tuesday, 21th March"

I've been laying on the grass for two hours and staring at the sky. People were glaring at me, some of them asked, if I'm okay and they walked away confused, when I confirmed. It was beautiful weather this day and I couldn't wash away my emotions with rain.

Why the sky doesn't want to cry? I need it. I need tears, but mine are dried up. Again.

I took my cellphone with me just because I wanted to decline calls. I picked up a phone only, when my Mum called me. It was a nice talk. She told me about neighbours' cat, who gave birth to four sweet kittens. One is crazy, it's always running around the yard and bringing mice. Second one is always scared and a one third is living in its own world and it's no problem to catch it. It's also clingy and Mum is thinking about adopt it. The last one is grumpy and is always walking its own way, other three are playing together.

When I was talking with Mum, the Grumpy and the Crazy started fighting, which ended with the Clumsy one being hurt too, because it wanted to help. Only the Scaried one didn't get hurt.

"Thursday, 30th March"

It's been raining since morning. And I have enough. I want to leave home and go to You even by feet. I want to laugh with You, talk with You, do stupid things with you. Hug You and think about everything and nothign and feel Your hand on my head.

Hiroki, Your sister is right. It's an unfunny joke. Let's return the past to the world.

* * *

Insomnia. Tiredness. Hate for the world. Silence. This This boundless dead silence that seems to have no end.

"It's normal" they say, when I wander between furnitures, not even turning on the light.

Why I should turn on the light, if I feel as if I've lost a light bulb, candle and even a lighter?

Although I still have a lighter. I mess it up in my hand, playing with it and wondering, if any of the promises I make to people make sense.

I promised you our relationship wouldn't be affected by the disband of the band. So what do I get from it? What do I get from it, I'm asking?

Nothing. The promise crumbled to dust. Everything is gone. You disappeared. From my life? I think so. Forever? Probably not...

I kick the chair as if it was guilty. Poor piece of furniture, it didn't do anything wrong and it still is taking my anger.

I sit on the windowsill and look at this cloudy world, plunged in gray. It's raining, large drops fall on the iron windowsill and splash, creating new ones.

Like disbanded bands, right?

I bang my head on the glass and stay there. My ears ring for a moment, and I feel like I hear the doorbell.

The glass is cold. Coffee on the table too. The room is dark. Meiko would say that now I finally know, what I always wanted to understand. What is it like to be her.

The bell rang again. So it's not me hitting the glass a little too hard. Doesn't matter. Let it ring.

Silence again. Maybe it was the postman? At most, I will find a delivery note in the mailbox, it's not a big problem.

I open my eyes. It seems to me that I can see your silhouette in the pouring rain. You're staring straight at my window, watching me closely as if you are waiting for something. The rain runs down your completely wet hair, seeps into your clothes, caresses your cheeks like I did until recently...

Wait a minute.

I straighten up and open my eyes.

You really stand like that pillar of salt in the rain, looking longingly at me.

Without umbrella! You're getting wet!

I jump off the windowsill and run to the door, stumbling over that unfortunate chair I kicked earlier. And for Izanami's sake, you had to do it to this poor furniture, Hiroki? You had to? You're stupid and that's it, underdeveloped bassist in his thirties with three cats.

Okay, maybe I can find a second shoe and not be overwhelmed by my thoughts.

I run down the stairs and open the door to the stairwell, clutching my umbrella in my hand. You aren't here? Have I had hallucinations? In fact, I've been sleeping maybe three hours a day lately...

I sigh, then decide that after I left the house, maybe I'll take my daily dose of fresh air and go to the store. Only after a while I realize that I didn't take my wallet.

And then I hear the dull creak of a swing from a nearby playground.

I turn that way and I see you again. You sit on a swing and swing, judging by your moving lips, to the beat of the melody you humming under your breath.

Forward, backward, forward, backward.

I walk calmly, as if I still don't believe I can see you and wonder what to say to you.

"Sachi" I say your name, even if I don't know, if I still have the oportunity to do this.

You stop so suddenly that you almost fall from the swing. You look at me, I look at you, you at me and it continues for a while, because we don't know, what to do next.

"You're getting wet" I say, eyeing you up and down. "You're soaked to the skin. You'll get sick and, on top of that, you will also get an attack."

"That's why I didn't take my umbrella" you say, getting up from the swing and approaching me. "I wanted to get sick. I wanted to have an attack. I wanted..."

To vanish? You wanted to say this, right?

"Hiroki..." you sigh.

You don't like talking. You prefer listening.

"I know. I'm sorry" I put hand on you wet hair.

You're gonna be sick. I know it.

"I'm sorry too" you say quietly. "Hiroki, you look like you haven't slept since a few days..."

"You too. Except I'm dry" I fold my umbrella and drop it to the ground. "But that can be changed."

"You'll get wet" you notice revealingly.

"I know" I smile softly and put my fingers through your hair. "But will you let me do something hopelessly trivial before your asthma and non-existed immunity show up?"

"Life isn't a romantic comedy, Hiroki."

"Indeed, it's far from comedy" I say and kiss your cold from the rain lips.

You're all cold. And you often compare me to fire. Are we opposites of eachother?

Me, an extrovert with a cup of coffee in my hand, running to another meeting with my friends.

You, an introvert with a cup of tea in your hands, sitting on the windowsill and looking out the window.

Okay, maybe you have friends too and today I sat on the windowsill for half an hour, but isn't it like those dots in the middle of the white and black parts of the Yin-Yang sign?

"Let's go back home" I say finally and grab your ice cold hand.

You're going to be sick tomorrow. I'll be listening to you whining and sobbing that you're poor and sad because of that.

Today, probably in half an hour, if not sooner, you'll have an asthma attack and I'll have to make you a cup of tea, when your breathing returns to normal.

But at least I can finally turn on the light in the room.

* * *

"Friday, 31th March"

It's raining. Again. It's been raining for two days almost constantly. I'm a little sick and I had an asthma attack yesterday, but I'm okay. I'm really okay.

It's okay, because You're with me and looking behind me as I write. It's okay, because Your rough hand is stroking my head. It's okay, because Nameko jumped on the bed and tries to stop me from writing, constantly nudging my hand.

We both learned something. You've learned that you shouldn't be so overprotective, I've learned that I have to ask for help sometimes. And repeating that everything is okay is a lie, when it isn't at all. When all in our hearts, minds and lives is chaos. When everything isn't as it should be.

But now it really is. Our neighbours can confirm this too, because they for sure heard us yesterday. Maybe we should give them some cookies tomorrow and apologise, shouldn't we?

The end

You don't walk into the same river twice, but four times

Band: Dio -distraught overlord-/Black Line/G.L.A.M.S

Pairing: Mikaru&Syu

Rating: 17+

Genre: romance

Warnings: -

Note: Denka knows that Mikaru is a womanizer, but he finds himself in his arms again and again.

What will happen first? Mikaru realising, how much he's hurting Denka (and himself) or Denka pushing away Mikaru for good?

Syu was half-laying in the armchair, leaning on one armrest with his legs over the other, scrolling through Twitter, when Tetsuto entered the dressing room. He sat down on the sofa and sighed, pressing himself into the fabric of the sofa.

"What's going on?" asked Syu, looking at him.

"Erina" replied Tetsuto. "Maybe I should tell Kei that he's hitting one me?"

"Our dear guitarist is just like that. Don't worry about him, he won't seduce you" Syu smiled slightly. "He likes to pretend that he has a crush on someone and then burst out laughing and say that it was just a test. It took some time before Kei realized that in his case it wasn't a joke. It's Erina's fault, of course."

"Isn't Kei mad at him?"

"Of course that he's mad" Syu laughed loudly. "But usually it ends with Erina's wallet being empty because of gummies and his ass hurts."

"And this is really the norm?" asked the bassist once again.

Syu nodded.

"I wonder what his fangirls think about it..."

"He doesn't play like this with his fangirls" replied Syu. "And he doesn't like to look for fanboys in the crowd of girls."

"What do you mean?"

"He likes boys. Only" explained the drummer. "He has an aversion to women in general. It's probably because of all those fangirls, who want to adopt him and don't treat him like a grown man, but a child."

"I understand" Tetsuto nodded. "But Mikaru seems to like fangirls very much."

"Yeah, he likes them..." Syu stiffened at the mere mention of how greedy the vocalist is for the touch of his fans. "He very likes them..."

"Actually, Syu... Are you a couple or not?" asked Tetsuto. "You know, to be honest, I'm confused about your relationship."

"Sometimes we are, sometimes we're not" replied Futaba. "That depends on how long I can stand his behaviour."

"What behaviour?"

"Let's say that Masaya is... specific. And I don't have enough patience to support all his ideas."

"How many times have you broken up?"

Syu thought for a moment. How many times they broke up and got together again?

"Three" he replied and then Erina burst into the garderobe.

"Hi, Tetsu~!" he called him, sitting on his lap. "How are you?"

"Awesome. Do you want to go on date with me?" asked Tetsuto, at which the guitarist chuckled.

"It's just a joke, Tetsuto. I'm with Kei, you know?" Erina patted his head. "It's just a baptism of fire. You're not in love with me, are you?"

"I have a girlfriend. Much prietter than you" replied the bassist.

Erina snorted and looked like an offended five-years-old girl, which made Syu burst of laugh.

* * *

It was the day, when they announced Dio's disbandment. Denka was sitting in the rehearsal room, sadly poking his drum plate. Ivy and Kei were bustling around the room gathering their stuff.

"What if you persuade Erina to come back?" asked Ivy, looking at the guitarist.

Kei looked at him with strangely empty eyes.

"Let's say he's stubborn like a mule" replied Kei, taking his bag and picked up the guitar case. "I'll go now. I still need to buy jelly beans, because I'm out of them. See you tomorrow."

And he left, leaving his younger bandmates alone.

"Do you know that Soan and Hitomi are finally together?" asked Ivy, at which Denka just froze with a drumstick in his hand.

"Who?"

"Soan and Hitomi. From Moran. They're together" repeated Ivy.

"Oh, right, them. Yeah, they've been staring at each other for half a year, I think" Denka smiled sadly and returned to torturing his drumset.

"So maybe you should do the same?" asked Ivy and Denka just dropped his drumstick.

"What?"

"You and Mikaru. You know, kiss kiss, I love you, the big love story and everybody happy" Ivy smiled brightly.

"Don't you have to go home already, just like Kei? Hanami is probably worried about you."

"She'll last a day without me" Ivy shrugged.

"But maybe she made pasta?" suggested Denka and Ivy thought for a moment.

"That's a good argument" he said, pulling out his phone. "Hey Hanami~! What's for dinner? Oh, that's great! Did you know our drummer is a clairvoyant? Bye bye then, Denka!"

And he burst out of the room, almost hitting the treshold with his bass.

"Crazy boy" mumbled Denka, returning to abusing the drum plate.

In fact, he didn't know, why he's so touched by this disband. But he suspected that it can be due to what Ivy was talking about.

Since when he loved that person crazier even than the bassist? That prince of darkness with wings on his back?

In this moment the door opened queitly. Denka sighed.

"Did you forget about something, Ivy?" he asked, not even looking at him.

"Ivy didn't forget anything, unlike me" the drummer heard Mikaru's voice.

He looked up. The vocalist was standing there and staring at him.

"What?" asked finally Denka, putting the drumstick on a table. "We announced disbandment. Do you expect me to spread the sparkles of happiness?"

"No" Mikaru leaned on drumset. "But I can give you a reason."

And before Denka could even react, he kissed him. At first Futaba didn't know, what to do - if he should push him away or scold him for kissing him just after smoking, but he kissed him back in the end. And he slept with him. On the sofa. In both ways. Good that they locked the door before doing this.

After founding of Digras, Denka had enough. Enough of Mikaru's fangirls and enough of not being sure, what was their relationship status. Was that even a relationship or just sex?

"You're overreacting, Denka" said the vocalist, when he scolded him angrilly. "We're adults. Don't be jealous because of such stupid reasons/"

"This woman put her hand in your pants" Syu glared at him. "You said that we're adults. But you're acting like a kid, who wants everything for himself. And you don't care about people, who are important to you."

"You're whining" Mikaru streched lazily. "I'm going to smoke. If you really don't like my habits, you can go home."

And he was so sure that his lover won't do it that he just left.

But when he came back, he realised that even Syu's toothbrush disappeared from his bathroom...

But Syu was weak. When Mikaru decided to start a new band named Black Line, the drummer immediately agreed. He had some flings in meantime, but nothing more. He remembered too well the vocalist's harsh voice, whispering to his ear, to remember at least a name of his lovers.

Again there were ambiguous gestures and again Syu felt a wave of heat wash over him every time Mikaru smiled at him. He's a guy, but in the presence of this lunatic, his body (and mind) completely ignored this fact and he was flushing like a thirteen-year-old girl!

"Masaya..." he started after one of concerts.

The vocalist looked up at him.

"I'm listening, Syu" he said, putting away a book about rabbits, which he was reading.

The drummer took a deep breath, walked to the vocalist, grabbed his arm and slightly pushed him against the wall.

"Wow, how manly" Mikaru laughed and Syu kissed him greedily.

The vocalist grabbed his shoulders and kissed him back, pushing himself and Futaba on the chair.

"You owe me a tenner" they heard Yudai's voice after a moment.

Right, this time they forgot to lock the door. Good that Mikaru only managed to take off his shirt and undo Syu's belt.

They were curious, about what Jun and Yudai had their bet, so they asked them about it. Jun and Yudai explained that they were wondering, if Mikaru and Syu will first get together or if they're going to catch them during spicy time and then Mikaru and Syu would tell them about their relationship. Mikaru and Syu of course smacked their heads, but just like some type of a joke. They laughed about it later.

This time the vocalist acted better. This time he wasn't flirting with fangirls so often, this time Syu didn't have to punish him so often for this and this time Syu's patience ended after three years. But it still hurt. Mikaru's eye, when Syu punched his face. But Syu's heart a little too.

He cut back on talking with him to minimum for a year. Until B7Klan didn't ask them, if Dio wants to go for a tour around Europe with Dirtrucks.

"I don't know..." mumbled Denka, laying on the bed and listening to Ivy's blabbling about what a great opportunity to meet again on stage it is.

"But Denka, please! Don't be mad at Mikaru just for a while. It's gonna be awesome!" exclaimed the bassist.

"Dude, even Erina agreed" told him Kei a few minutes later. "Ivy was trying to persuade you to do it for three hours and you're still not sure?"

"How do you know that we we’re talking for three hours now?"

"Because that's how long I tried to call you" explained Kei, making Denka laugh.

He agreed. He wanted to be finally left alone and he was also curious, how it’s gonna be like to play together.

He found out by the way that Kei and Erina, who some times after Dio's disbandment broke up, got back together.

"Syu?" he heard behind him.

He turned around and saw Mikaru, who was smiling a little sadly.

"What happened? Your bunny died?" asked Denka.

"What? No! I was just... Thinking" replied the vocalist.

"Oh, that’s new" Denka smiled a little meanly.

"I'm trying to be nice."

"And I'm not."

"Syu!" Mikaru grabbed his shoulder. "I miss you. If you want it or not, I can't stop thinking about you."

"But you're going to miss not me, but your fangirls" mumbled Denka.

"I won't do that."

"Do you promise?"

"I promise" Mikaru nodded and kissed him.

"I knew that they're gonna get together again!" exclaimed Ivy, standing in the treshold and pulled out his smartphone. "Heiichi, they're together again! Hey, don't call me >>kid<<, I'm older than you!"

And he went to the other room to continue his conversation.

"Next time we should close the door."

"Good idea. But there won't be the next time."

"You promise?"

"I promise."

And he broke his promise. Dio's tour ended, just like Denka's patience. Probably because Mikaru gave him a promise and broke it anyway. Just like Denka broke Mikaru's tooth, when he punched his face. Good that the dentist could fix it.

Now Syu agreed to play as support drummer for G.L.A.M.S. Of course he could deny Mikaru's offer. But no! His heart was as stupid as his love interest.

After returning to the hotel, Syu laid down on the bed and looked at the ceiling. They broke up probably... one month ago? And now he had to see him everyday again. Why isn't he assertive at all?

He heard knocking on the door. Recently Tetsuto often was visiting him in the evenings, because he wanted to whine about Erina, but this prank has already ended. So who...?

"Syu, open the door. Please" he heard Mikaru's voice. "I just want to talk."

The drummer thought for a moment, got up and opened the door.

"Did something happen?" asked Syu.

"Can I walk in?"

"But what happened?"

"Can you let me in? I want to talk inside, not in the hall."

"It's a hotel, walls have ears here."

"Syu!" Mikaru glared at him. "Please."

"Okay, come in" Syu pulled him inside and closed the door. "So what happened?"

Mikaru sat down. He looked at the floor. As if he seriously thought about something.

"Masaya?"

"I'm an idiot" he said firmly. "I'm an idiot. I let you leave me everytime. I shouldn't do that. I care about you, Syu. Really."

"Am I that good in bed?"

"I care about you being in my heart, not bed" Mikaru stood up so abruptly that his chair fell on the floor. "Syu... Listen..."

"I'm listening."

"You love me, right?"

"Did you realise that after six years? Congrats" Syu clapped his hands. "I love you more than anything, but you prefer fangirls."

"I don't prefer fangirls" replied Mikaru. "I prefer you."

"In bed?"

"Stop talking about bed!" Mikaru growled, grabbing his arms. "I love you, Syu. But I realised it a little too late."

"A little? Wait, what?" Syu blinked.

Mikaru was serious. His eyes were blurry, his breath was shallow and his hands were sweating. He really was serious!

"Do you love me?"

"Yes. More than fans. And my bunnies."

"Even Lily?"

"Even Lily" Mikaru smiled fondly and kissed him.

Softly. Without telling him to spread his legs in front of him in a moment and do everything he wanted without protest.

But Syu wanted it himself. And could honestly admit that sex has never been so good.

* * *

"So is your relationship finally normal?" asked Tetsuto.

Since Mikaru and Syu confessed their feelings for each other and got together for the fourth time, almost a year had passed. The vocalist kept ignoring fangirls by any chance. All he did was putting a shoe on a foot of one of them that night, when she announced that she was his Cinderella.

"Yes" confirmed Syu, looking through open window, which reminded him that they played the concert like this too.

With an open window! And the sound carried to the entire Posen's old town!

"That's good" Tetsuto nodded. "I'm going for a beer. Do you want some?"

"Maybe later" replied Syu.

"I'll call Hanami by the way then" said Tetsuto and left.

Syu leaned against the windowsill. The night was warm. He felt calm. Like he was never going to be sad again.

After a while he felt like someone is embracing him from behind. He smiled, smelling familiar cologne and nicotine. The feeling of peace became even more intense and spread over his heart.

Yes. Everything was finally okay.

The end

Nothing else

Band: Moran

Pairing: Soan&Hitomi

Rating: 17+

Genre: romance

Warnings: -

Note: Soan tries to work, but he starts to overthinking.

In their lives, everyone hears a lot of opposite opinion about themselves. I'm not different.

There are people, who think that I'am a man with a golden heart, who worries about fans, who is funny and caring, who protects everyone at all costs and wouldn't hurt a fly.

There are also people, who want to send me to Hell for breathing. They call me a demon, who destroyed our band and say that I'm an egoist, who makes money using his dead friend.

Who's truly right? I think that both opinions meet somewhere in the middle, and this is how the real me is created, who can treat anyone as a treasure or a rag for the floor. Because, I know it's shocking, but I'm a human too. I also feel, think, eat, cry and have sex. I'm not some supernatural being. I just live and make mistakes. Like everyone.

But, to be honest, I don't care about strangers' opinions. So I close my laptop, strech a little and look at the ceiling, smiling a little.

For what I need other people, when I have you? I know, I know, it's sounds so bland and generic, as if it was some story written by the first group of fans. I love fans, seriously. But for gods' sake, they shouldn't think that they know everything about our minds...

I close my eyes and I see your smile under my eyelids. How you take Maa-kun out for a walk and I'm looking at you through the window, drinking morning coffee and adjusting glasses on the nose, then I go to the work. How you are in the kitchen, cooking some delicious meal for a dinner. How you look at me confused, when I'm cleaning a house for a third time in three days, because you think that we can eat from a floor already. Bullshit, I have to clean it once more. How you watch me, fixing the dishwasher, which ends up striking me with electricity and I give up, and you find it funny for a long, long time. And finally, how you fall asleep next to me. You're observing me before that. I'm aware of this, but I don't want to destroy your fun. I prefer, when you think that my eyelids are closed and I'm not watching, what would you do.

I open my eyes, hearing footsteps behind me. The steps are graceful, slow, unhurried. I lean back in my chair and look into those sad eyes of yours in which the devil is hiding.

"Hi, Fumi" you say and kiss me just after that and I think that I can't lose such a chance.

And when you're falling asleep next to me, after I sent you to sinful heaven, I think that I seriously do need nothing else to be happy.

Or maybe just a bowl of strawberries, colorful drink and pack of cigarettes.

The end

Ai mata daikirai

Band: D=OUT&Acme (ex. xTRiPx)

Pairing: Naoto&Shougo, mentioned Satoshi&Shougo

Rating: 17+

Genre: romance

Warnings: -

Note: "Ai mata daikirai" - "Love or hate"

Or Naoto questioning his partner's life decisions.

It wasn't a love from the first sight, like in all these rom-coms, books for teens and website stories.

You just came for rehearsal some day and you had a good humour and you were smiling for a long time.

And me, 19 years old drummer, were looking at you, as you charmed me or something. I thought that I should take you out for a date. I didn't care that you're older. You didn't look much older than me. You didn't act like that. With your whole personality, you gave the impression that you were younger than me.

But your smile warmed my teenage heart.

"Eat something" I said, when we were sitting before the concert in wardrobe. "Shougo, eat something."

"I'm not hungry" you replied, looking at some magazine about dogs. You were terribly thin and tiny. I suspect women who like "manly men" would scold you for having skinny calves and too girly face.

But I wanted you. I wanted to hug you, kiss you, take off your clothes and love you. But at first, I had to convince you to eat anything, because you and your two glasses of water were driving me crazy.

"Shougo..." I moved closer to you and took that magazine from you. "Eat at least a bowl of rice only."

"I'll be fine" you replied in a strange trembling voice, as if you were embarrassed by my presence.

At this moment, I had doubts as to whether you were really a guy. Maybe you are a woman after all?

After the concert I caught you in the last moment before you fell on the floor, when you fainted. Why my silly brother started laughing then, I don't know.

It doesn't change the fact that I know you because of him.

I took you to the dressing room and put you on the couch. I grabbed your legs and arms and lifted them up. You woke up after the brief moment, which I spent torn between worrying about you and admiring, how cute you look, when your eyes are closed.

From silly "thank you" for the rescue and apologizing for your stupidity, we went on to going to dinner the next day and to the cafe and the brief kiss I placed on your lips as you ate cinnamon cookies like you've never seen candy in your life.

After that, you often reminded me that you almost choked because of me.

We've been together for five years. Without quarells, in full understanding, filled with good sex and the smell of cake in the morning.

And then without any warning it was all over, when you just broke up with me.

Taking my toothbrush from the cup in the bathroom, I wondered what I had done wrong. What am I supposed to feel for you now? Still love you or maybe hate you?

Yoshi, our flatmate, followed me with his eyes apologizing for not having done anything to talk you out of it.

And I returned to my studio apartament, which for years was only visited by students, who had an aversion to dormitories.

Recently, one of them moved out because she bought a flat and I couldn't find a new renter. As if my studio apartament was waiting for me. As if it knew I would need it.

I laid down on the bed and looked up at the ceiling. It would be appropriate to repaint it, because after all these student parties, the number of traces of champagne corks exceeded my older brother's IQ. Although it wasn't that hard.

And you, as if wanting to annoy me even more, left the band that you played in from the very beginning, longer than me.

On my birthday. As if you and Chobi couldn't choose even a day later.

And then you formed a band with that jerk. And you fell in love with him somehow.

I saw you at parties. How you kiss, how you hold your hands, how you hug... Fortunately, I didn't catch you having sex.

But still my heart kept breaking into more and more pieces each time. Until it finally shattered, just like our team, which is just barely pulling.

I joined D=OUT, replacing Minase. Reika talked me into it. And I was smiling and fooling around, pretending that everything was fine. After all, I'm a man, right? A trained, muscular man with no feelings, who can't even suffer from love.

But I could. I've never stopped loving you, Shogo. I tried to forget. I had even a few relationships, but all of them ended the same way - another person hitting me in the face or running from me, crying. Maminya Naoto - the heartbreaker. But no one has figured out that it's hard to keep someone's heart whole, when your own is crushed to pieces.

DIV disbanded like xTRiPx. Your relationship with Satoshi also ended. Chisa invited me to your session band as a support. And I agreed without hesitation. I was happy that I could play with you again.

And when you called me and I entered your apartment again, hope flared in my heart that maybe I have a chance again. Maybe I'll get you back after all. Because even though I wasn't nineteen anymore, but thirty, your smile was still warming me up from the inside.

And perhaps Satoshi's miserable attempt to get you back was good for us. Mornings smell like cake again and after good sex I fall asleep like an angel.

But what is my guarantee that it won't fall apart again like a house of cards?

The End