Ai mata daikirai

Band: D=OUT&Acme (ex. xTRiPx)

Pairing: Naoto&Shougo, mentioned Satoshi&Shougo

Rating: 17+

Genre: romance

Warnings: -

Note: "Ai mata daikirai" - "Love or hate"

Or Naoto questioning his partner's life decisions.

It wasn't a love from the first sight, like in all these rom-coms, books for teens and website stories.

You just came for rehearsal some day and you had a good humour and you were smiling for a long time.

And me, 19 years old drummer, were looking at you, as you charmed me or something. I thought that I should take you out for a date. I didn't care that you're older. You didn't look much older than me. You didn't act like that. With your whole personality, you gave the impression that you were younger than me.

But your smile warmed my teenage heart.

"Eat something" I said, when we were sitting before the concert in wardrobe. "Shougo, eat something."

"I'm not hungry" you replied, looking at some magazine about dogs. You were terribly thin and tiny. I suspect women who like "manly men" would scold you for having skinny calves and too girly face.

But I wanted you. I wanted to hug you, kiss you, take off your clothes and love you. But at first, I had to convince you to eat anything, because you and your two glasses of water were driving me crazy.

"Shougo..." I moved closer to you and took that magazine from you. "Eat at least a bowl of rice only."

"I'll be fine" you replied in a strange trembling voice, as if you were embarrassed by my presence.

At this moment, I had doubts as to whether you were really a guy. Maybe you are a woman after all?

After the concert I caught you in the last moment before you fell on the floor, when you fainted. Why my silly brother started laughing then, I don't know.

It doesn't change the fact that I know you because of him.

I took you to the dressing room and put you on the couch. I grabbed your legs and arms and lifted them up. You woke up after the brief moment, which I spent torn between worrying about you and admiring, how cute you look, when your eyes are closed.

From silly "thank you" for the rescue and apologizing for your stupidity, we went on to going to dinner the next day and to the cafe and the brief kiss I placed on your lips as you ate cinnamon cookies like you've never seen candy in your life.

After that, you often reminded me that you almost choked because of me.

We've been together for five years. Without quarells, in full understanding, filled with good sex and the smell of cake in the morning.

And then without any warning it was all over, when you just broke up with me.

Taking my toothbrush from the cup in the bathroom, I wondered what I had done wrong. What am I supposed to feel for you now? Still love you or maybe hate you?

Yoshi, our flatmate, followed me with his eyes apologizing for not having done anything to talk you out of it.

And I returned to my studio apartament, which for years was only visited by students, who had an aversion to dormitories.

Recently, one of them moved out because she bought a flat and I couldn't find a new renter. As if my studio apartament was waiting for me. As if it knew I would need it.

I laid down on the bed and looked up at the ceiling. It would be appropriate to repaint it, because after all these student parties, the number of traces of champagne corks exceeded my older brother's IQ. Although it wasn't that hard.

And you, as if wanting to annoy me even more, left the band that you played in from the very beginning, longer than me.

On my birthday. As if you and Chobi couldn't choose even a day later.

And then you formed a band with that jerk. And you fell in love with him somehow.

I saw you at parties. How you kiss, how you hold your hands, how you hug... Fortunately, I didn't catch you having sex.

But still my heart kept breaking into more and more pieces each time. Until it finally shattered, just like our team, which is just barely pulling.

I joined D=OUT, replacing Minase. Reika talked me into it. And I was smiling and fooling around, pretending that everything was fine. After all, I'm a man, right? A trained, muscular man with no feelings, who can't even suffer from love.

But I could. I've never stopped loving you, Shogo. I tried to forget. I had even a few relationships, but all of them ended the same way - another person hitting me in the face or running from me, crying. Maminya Naoto - the heartbreaker. But no one has figured out that it's hard to keep someone's heart whole, when your own is crushed to pieces.

DIV disbanded like xTRiPx. Your relationship with Satoshi also ended. Chisa invited me to your session band as a support. And I agreed without hesitation. I was happy that I could play with you again.

And when you called me and I entered your apartment again, hope flared in my heart that maybe I have a chance again. Maybe I'll get you back after all. Because even though I wasn't nineteen anymore, but thirty, your smile was still warming me up from the inside.

And perhaps Satoshi's miserable attempt to get you back was good for us. Mornings smell like cake again and after good sex I fall asleep like an angel.

But what is my guarantee that it won't fall apart again like a house of cards?

The End