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The blog contains content about male-male and female-female relationships. If you don't like yaoi and yuri, hit the red cross and don't read, instead of throwing mud at me. Thank you for your attention.

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"Rain is soothing for the soul"

Band: Kra Pairing: Keiyu&Mai Rating: 14+ Genre: romance, comedy Warnings: - Note: Keiyu likes walking in the rain, but he'd lik...

Wednesday 24 April 2024

Silver Moonlight, Golden Sunlight

Band: Moran

Pairing: Soan&Hitomi

Rating: 17+

Genre: romance

Warnings: -

Note: Soan has his own way to fight insomnia. Strange way, but it works.


Everyone has problems with sleeping sometimes. Some people try drinking water, others think about something pleasant, others make something trivial to calm their mind...


He also has his own way to fight insomnia. Strange way, but it works. And it's the most important.


He stood up, went to the window, watching his step, because he didn't want to hurt the dog. He opened the blinds, letting the moonlight into the bedroom.


Silvery rays slowly moved across the floor and lazily climbed over the quilt onto the bed and shone over sleeping Hitomi, who didn't care about this fact. As if he gave a silent consent to the symbiosis with the moon.


Soan smiled a little and sat on the windowsill, observing the vocalist. Hitomi was asleep, he was hugging a quilt and didn't know that his face is reflected in Tomofumi's deep eyes as in a fairy-tale mirror.


Soan leaned over the glass and sighed. He didn't know, why looking at Hitomi calmed him everytime. And why he felt so safe. But he knew that he could give anything to be able to look at Hitomi for the rest of his life. However generic and bland it wouldn't sound.


But what he would do if they break up? Would he be able to fall asleep without thinking about Hitomi, who is sleeping and dreaming for both of them? Or without being able to call him even in the middle of the night and ask Hitomi to lull him to sleep with his voice?


"You're acting like uke, Tomofumi" he scolded himself. "You are seme here. Don't panic."


"Panic is your speciality" he heard suddenly, feeling a hand on his shoulder.


He looked at his right side and saw Zill. But he's... What?!


"Saburou" whispered Soan. "What are you..."


"He won't leave you. Believe me" Zill smiled friendly. "He loves you. Nobody loved me like that..."


"Do you have someone specific in mind?" asked Soan, but Zill shook his head.


"Even if, it doesn't matter" he said. "Sleep well, Tomofumi."


Soan wanted to say something more, but Zill disappeared. Just like seven years ago, when Death took him with her.


* * *


"Tomofumi?" heard the drummer, feeling someone's hand on his head. "You fell asleep on the windowsill. Your back will hurt again."


Soan opened his eyes and saw worried Hitomi.


"Hito-chan?" Tomofumi turned around. "I had a strange dream..."


"Strange or scarry?" asked Hitomi, opening the window. "I won't be surprised if you had a bad dream. It's very stuffy here."


"I dreamed about Zill" explained Soan, throwing his legs on the floor and leaning on windowsill. "He said that you won't leave me."


"And he was right, my panicking koi" Hitomi laughed, leaning his head on his hands. "But it's so bland. As if we were in some romantic comedy or song lyrics."


"Maybe" nodded Soan. "But sometimes..."


"I know" Hitomi sighed, ruffling his hair. "I won't vanish like Saburou. Maybe after my eightienth birthday."


Soan laughed and looked at the sky, letting the sunshines light his face.


Even if it was only a dream, Zill was right. He can't be so nervous.


The End

Wednesday 17 April 2024

Probably

Band: CLØWD

Pairing: Iori&Kou, mentioned Iori&Ryohei and Ryohei&Kou

Rating: 17+

Genre: romance, h/c

Warnings: mentally instable characters

Note: Getting together with your lover's ex after breaking up with him isn't probably the best coping mechanism, but Iori knew that Kou needs someone to take care of him in such dark moment in his life.



"Ryohei, have you seen my jacket?" asked Iori, walking into the living room.


He thought that the bassist still was in his apartment, but he was wrong. Iori sighed and sat in the armchair.


Ryohei never informed him that he's going somewhere. He also never told him that he loves him. They just started dating at some point and Iori was okay with this, at least for a while. But recently he started wondering, if Ryohei thinks about their relationship seriously. Even when Iori used to ask him, when they're going to tell others about them, he always would reply "Someday" and change the topic.


But Iori was already a little tired of being not able to kiss Ryohei, when they were with their friends and everytime he heard "Someday" or "Not now" or "Not yet". That's why he sometimes, when he was looking at Ryohei's lips, he didn't want to kiss him, but punch him. Maybe they should break up? Well, for a while Iori doubted, if he still had feelings for his partner, so...


Iori looked at the ceiling and then he was pulled out from his thinking about Ryohei's strange behaviour by some melody. Did Ryohei forget about his cellphone?


When Iori found the source of this annoying sound, he looked at the screen and saw "Aunt Momo" on it.


Oh no, it's that aunt, who constantly wants something from Ryohei. She likes to call him especially, when they're sitting on the sofa, probably in the middle of foreplay or watching a movie.


Iori knew that he has to pick up, because this aunt won't leave them alone for the next year, if she doesn't know, where is her favourite nephew!


Iori pushed the green button, but before he managed to say something, he heard a voice on the other side.


"Ryohei, where are you? I've been waiting for you for an hour, dinner is almost cold, champagne lost its bubbles and dough for pizza we wanted to bake in the evening is ready since a while. I'm worried, are you okay? By the way, do you want me to wear..."


Iori decided that he heard enough.


"Shut up, Kou. It's Iori. And I don't want to hear anything about your evening plans from you."


It was so quiet on the other side of phone line that if this silence had weight, you could crush someone's teeth, if you dropped it on them.


"Iori? Why did you pick up Ryohei's phone?" Kou sounded surprised.


"Tell me, what were you talking about first, for fuck's sake" growled Iori.


Okay, maybe he wanted to break up with Ryohei for a while, but... But... Cheating?! How old was he?! Because not almost thirty for sure, like his ID shows!


"I don't understand, what you're talking about, Iori..." said Kou, visibly confused.


"You're talking about dinner, champagne, pizza and something to wear, just like you were Ryohei's partner, not me" explained Iori calmly, even if he wanted to remove both Kou and Ryohei's intestines and make a garland out of them. It would match their heads above the fireplace. He doesn't have a fireplace, but after this double murder he'll buy a house in Alps, change his name to Antonio Spaghetti and start breeding goats.


Kou fell silent again. Iori could hear just his breathing.


"Iori..."


"What?"


"Iori, he said... He said that..."


"He said what?" Iori blinked.


Kou's voice was trembling. Kou's voice doesn't tremble. Never! Besides, when he's on scene, of course.


"Kou?"


"Come to my house, we have to talk" said Kou and hung up, leaving confused Iori with his own thoughts.


Is it possible that Kou... didn't know anything?


* * *


Iori was standing in the doorway of Kou's apartment. Kou was just staring at the floor. Iori has never seen him in such condition. He looked like shit. And probably felt like one too.


"Kou, what happened?" asked Iori, when the vocalist closed the door. "Kou, listen, I wanted to be mad at you and murder you for being Ryohei's lover and him for cheating on me..."


"Iori..."


"Alright, alright, sorry, I won't murder anyone" Iori flinched, when he heard Kou's devastated voice.


For gods' sake, he doesn't understand anything!


"Iori, how long have you been with Ryohei?" asked Kou, sitting on the chair beside the table, on which there were some papers, scattered around.


"For three months" replied Iori.


Kou whined and hid his head in his hands.


"Kou?"


"Iori, Ryohei didn't cheat on you with me" whispered Kou so quiet that the guitarist barely heard him. "He cheated on me with you."


Iori laughed hysterically, making Kou sigh. The guitarist leaned against the wall and looked at the ceiling.


"So that's why he didn't want you to know..." murmured Iori.


"In my case it was me, who didn't want you to know" explained Kou. "I didn't want you to hate me or something. I don't know you well enough to tell you that I'm in a relationship with our friend without a problem..."


"I understand" Iori nodded. "Well, I wanted to break up with him anyway. I had enough of him not treating our relationship seriously."


"Well, it seems he didn't treat any of us seriously" Kou leaned his head on his hand. "Half of the year of a relationship, Iori. Half of the year living in lies and illussion. What's wrong with me that I didn't notice it? What's wrong with me that he treated me like a toy? Am I so ugly, so annoyng, so stupid or what?"


Iori blinked. What the hell Kou is talking about?


"Kou, don't be stupid" the guitarist walked to him and leaned on the table. "You're handsome, kind and smart. Don't say such things only because..."


Door opened suddenly and Ryohei walked in.


"Oh, hey, Iori" he said. "I didn't expect you here."


"I didn't expect that I'm just your lover" growled Iori, crossing his arms on his chest.


Ryohei looked like he saw a ghost. For a moment he was silent, then he laughed nervously.


"You... know?"


"Yeah, we know" confirmed Iori.


Kou didn't say anything.


"Sorry" mumbled Ryohei and scratched his head. "I just couldn't decide. But I didn't promise any of you that it's something serious, right? I didn't tell any of you that I love you. For me these were just open relationships. Even if I knew that you're going to be mad."


"I don't give a shit about it, Ryohei" said Iori. "I just don't care. I wanted to dump you anyway."


"So we agree that we should break up" Ryohei bowed deeply. "And I'm sorry."


"It's okay" Iori nodded. "Just explain everything to Kou. See you tomorrow at rehaersal."


Iori left Kou's apartment. Yeah, he was mad at Ryohei. But he never liked conflicts. And just decided to ignore and forget about the whole situation. The only thing he regretted was that he didn't break up with him earlier. Kou probably wouldn't even know about their romance.


And he wouldn't have to see Kou so devastated and looking like his heart broke into million pieces...


* * *


Iori was sitting with can of beer in his hand in front of TV, watching some series. One character decided to drown himself in the lake, because everything was too fucked up.


"What a looser" he said, sipping his drink, when he heard knocking on the door. "If it's Ryohei, I swear I'll punch him."


He still was mad at Ryohei, but how he couldn't be? Well, in fact, he was more mad because of Kou, not because of himself. How someone can do something like this?!


Iori put his beer on the table and walked to the door. He looked through the peephole and saw Kou.


"Kou?" he said, confused, when he opened the door.


And then he was kissed.


Yes, he was kissed. In the lips. By totally drunk Kou, who clang on him like a towel on a hanger.


Iori froze and closed the door without thinking. He locked the door and kissed Kou back. He knew that the vocalist needed it. And he knew that they're going to regret it. But why not? Why he shouldn't give Kou the impression of normality after what Ryohei has done to him?


But maybe, just maybe he would prefer seeing him sober...


"Kou" Iori grabbed his wrists and pushed against the wall. "You're drunk."


"I am. And what?" Kou laughed hysterically. "When I was kissing Ryohei, I was sober. And how it ended?"


"You can't jump into someone's bed just after finding out that your partner had an affair" said Iori. "At first I wanted to let you to do it, but now I think that you shouldn't. Don't be as stupid as Ryohei."


"You don't understand. You don't love him" Kou slipped from Iori's embrace and sat on the floor. "You don't care. And I wonder, why? Why, Iori? Why, for fuck's sake?!"


Iori was just staring at Kou, who probably had some kind of mental breakdown. Iori sighed, sat down beside his friend and hugged him.


"Stop crying. He's not worth it" said Iori. "Really, he's not. But we can pretend it's because you're drunk, right?"


Iori heard just some mumbling nod. Kou leaned his head on his shoulder and... fell asleep. Iori picked him up and carried him to bed. He took off Kou's shoes and covered him with a quilt. He grabbed a blanket and decided to sleep on sofa.


* * *


Several months have passed, during which it turned out that hiding his sexuality from bandmates by Kou wasn't needed, because Tatsuru and Touma told them they're a couple. Meanwhile Ryohei had a girlfriend after a lot of boyfriends. Iori wondered, if he had two in the same time again.


Meanwhile Iori cared about Kou more and more. And recently started even thinking about their kiss. But Kou lost his trust towards everyone, since that day, when Ryohei broke his heart and he broke Ryohei's tooth.


* * *


Iori was sitting in the armchair, watching his favourite TV series again. This time he made himself tea and a character in this episode was kidnapped. Well, he doesn't have a peaceful life.


Iori flinched, hearing knocking on the door. He put a mug on the table and walked to the door.


"Kou?" he was surprised.


This time Kou was sober. Iori didn't smell any alcohol, when Kou kissed him and embraced his shoulders.


He was sober. And still unhappy. He needed comfort, sex, just being close to someone and wanted Iori to give it to him. He wanted Iori to glue the pieces of his broken heart.


And this time Iori didn't stop himself from leaning over naked Kou in his bed and kissing him once again. And from giving him exactly what he needed.


"Better?" asked Iori, embracing Kou with his arm.


Kou still couldn't calm his breath.


"Kou?"


"Perfect" he said finally. "We have to do it again someday."


"We can do it everyday" said Iori.


"So let's do it everyday" Kou smiled slightly. "You love me, don't you?"


Iori flinched slightly.


"For now I can say that I have crush on you" he replied after a while.


Kou laughed.


">>For now<<. Oh, it sounds so pretty" he smiled slightly. "It gives hope. It allows you to be just a little bit sure about the future. And what do we have from it?"


"Now? Us" replied Iori.


"Yes, now we have us. But are we going to have us tomorrow?" asked Kou. "We can't be sure of tomorrow. Or even an evening. Because even if you planned everything with your partner, you're spending it in the bar and in your friend's home and then you don't remember anything."


"Kou..."


"What? It's true" Kou hugged him tightly. "I'll give you a chance, Iori. But bring my heart together. You don't have to use super glue. You can use just some tape or clay. Anything to make me forget that I can be thrown away like some old cloth."


"Can I do it with love?" asked Iori.


"You said yourself that you just have a crush on me at this moment" reminded him Kou.


"But it can change into love and then I'll repair your heart quickly" Iori kissed his forehead. "Okay?"


"Okay" Kou smiled fondly.


He'll probably forget about these painful memories. He'll probably fall in love with Iori. Someday everything, what happened between them and Ryohei, will probably stop being important. And they'll probably start new life. Together.


The end

Wednesday 10 April 2024

Spider's Web

Rating: 17+

Genre: drama

Warnings: self-harming

Note: A short story about depressed musician.


It all started innocently. Probably in the elementary school, where other kids for the first time labeled me as "strange". Friends left me, because nobody wanted to be friend with this outsider, who prefered spending breaks in library, because he could avoid his bullies like this.


I started elementary school as a happy and funny kid, but I ended it as shy and asocial teenager. I tought that when I'll go to another school, everything would change. And it changed. But for worse.


Name-calling, locking in lockers, throwing things on the floor or taking my backpack and making me chase my bullies have become the norm. And I was able to deal with it less and less, I wanted more and more help. Parents didn't notice anything. The teachers didn't react. Well... They don't have to.


In high school nothing has changed. Still in love with the books, I had to throw the needles out of my shirt several times a day, and be careful at every PE so as not to get hit by a ball, at least not in the stomach. I vomited from the impact once and caused myself even more trouble. But at least the PE teacher did intervene. What I also got hit for...


I came back home and looked in the mirror on a cupboard. I took it and started to stare in the tired face of a seventeen years old boy. In middle school, I wanted to disappear, become invisible. Now I wanted to kill myself.


I threw the mirror at the floor. It broke and one piece fell from it. I picked it up with trembling fingers and pushed against my skin. I hesitated for a moment. I realized that I was sitting on the bed. In clothes. Blood is difficult to wipe from materials.


I took off my clothes, sat against the wall and pushed the glass into my wrist.


First cut for elementary school.


Second cut for middle school.


Third cut for high school.


I watched the blood trickle down my arm like tears down a girl's face in a bad romantic comedy. For some strange reason, it seemed beautiful to me.


I smiled. For the first time in a long time.


From that day on, it became a ritual for me. Breakfast, school, lunch, reading, dinner, more cuts, sleep.


My wrists were beautiful. As if they were covered in spider's web. I wanted to decorate the whole body like that, I wanted it to look like this. But I realized that people would notice, that they would ask questions and I don't want them to worry.


One day, however, I was so fed up that I decided to kill myself. I took a lot of pills, but unfortunately my father found me and called an ambulance.


The mental hospital is an interesting place. Sometimes you feel like you're more normal than all of them. Even than the staff. Funny, isn't it? I remember one girl who didn't have anything sharp on hand, so she broke her hand on the edge of the bed. Just like that, she hit it with all her strenght. And then, as if nothing had happened, she went to sleep.


I left the hospital after a month. Or two. I don't remember now. I had a lot of catching up to do in school, but I managed to finish it.


Exactly. I graduated. Due to this beautiful day, I decided to go to the club to have a drink and forget the whole damn world.


And then, sitting at the counter and telling the bartender about my hopeless life, I decided to become a musician. Yay! Maybe if no one can really give me such a feeling, then at least I'll get the platonic love of female fans?


My only friend from school had a band and one of the musicians left. So I joined them. And honestly it was great. Until the disband.


And then another and another, because nowadays it is difficult for a band to live long. You have to get really big fame in a short time, and if you do, you suddenly find out that you don't get along with your friends in terms of music you make. And again disband, disband, disband...


Breakfast, rehearsal, lunch, book, dinner, knife, sleep ... Oh yeah, that's it. It's so nice to be able to put on a happy rock star mask, smile at the cameras and bandmates and then come home or to a hotel room and cry. My world, my knife, my lines on my wrists. The psychiatrist only forbade me to kill myself, but no one said I couldn't make a few cuts a day. I mean, they said... But it doesn't matter, the lines keep popping up. More and more of them, after so many years I stopped counting.


And finally, in one of the bands, I met you. I don't know, why I fell in love with you. What happened that my heart at first stopped and then started beating as if it wanted to pop out from my chest. Well, it is like that sometimes. Stupid, hopeless, bisexual weirdo in love.


I loved you with all of my broken, crushed, scattered, torn apart heart. I loved you with all of my weak soul. I loved your eyes, your smile, your lips, your soft hair, your hands, your strong arms...


But I didn't love myself. And because of that I was sitting again on the floor with a knife in hand, when suddenly you entered my room. For the same reason you mistook the rooms as I forgot to lock the door. We were too drunk. And we both sobered up right away. Me out of fear, because you discovered my secret, and you...


"Are you insane?!" you shouted so loud that probably all visitors in the hotel heard you.


You ran to me, grabbed my bleeding wrists and looked in my eyes.


"Are you crazy? Tell me that you're just crazy."


"I don't know..." I mumbled. "Let me go. It hurts."


"But you wanted it, right?" you clenched fingers on my wrists. "You wanted the pain."


"But I wanted to hurt myself" I replied. "Other people have hurt me enough in the past. Let me go."


And you let me go. You looked at me as if I was the biggest idiot on this planet. You embraced my shoulders and led to the bathroom.


You washed my wrists with hydrogen peroxide from my own first aid kit, which stang as hell, bandaged them and led me to bed. You forced me to sit on it, you put me in pajamas, though you just put the bottom over my panties... And you put me in the bed. You covered me with the quilt, then gave me a kiss on my forehead and told me to wait.


You left my room and I waited like the child waiting for his mother to say goodnight.


You came back, also dressed in pajamas, you covered yourself with the quilt and hugged me tightly.


To be honest, I didn't understand at all, what was happening.


"What are you doing?" I asked.


"I love you" you said. "And I won't let you hurt yourself, okay?"


I blinked. You were serious. When I realized this, I started crying. And I was crying for a long, long time, maybe even for an hour. And you were stroking my head and repeating that everything will be okay.


And it is now. My wrists are still covered with spider's web, but white. This red spiderweb has never appeared again.


The end

Wednesday 3 April 2024

Wing to Heaven

Rating: 17+

Genre: slice of life

Warnings: death, based on real life

Note: Dedicated to every fan, who lost their idols.


Silence. A complete silence when I read that information.


I stared into the letters like a child who's only learning to read in English. The letters one after another formed the word "died", then "suicide".


My mug slipped out of my hand, crashing and staining the floor and my feet with the tea.


"He's dead?" I repeated so quietly I couldn't hear myself.


I could hear more clearly the sound of my breath and the heartbead, who speed up so much like it wanted to break free from my chest.


Suicide? Suicide?! In a such an unhonorable way for gods' sake!


"He's dead" I repeated louder, like I'm trying to explain this to myself, what am I reading. "He's dead."


I heard the sound of the door opening then the footsteps. I still stared into the laptop's screen, when you embraced me and pulled me closer to yourself.


"I saw those news" you said, before I could ask you, if you know. "Go wash your feet and change your socks, I'll clean the floor and pick up the pieces of the mug."


"Sorry for breaking it" I whispered, when you pet my head.


"I got it from my ex, so no problem" you said calmly.


I sighed and closed my laptop. I grabbed clean socks then went to the bathroom, watching out for the pieces of that broken mug.


The day was so happy and light. I felt like I could fly. But he was the one, who was flying. From under the ceiling to the heaven.


The end