Broken wings

Band: Moran

Pairing: Soan&Hitomi

Rating: 17+

Genre: slice of life

Warnings: death, based on true story

Note: We get used to the fact that our friend is no longer there. We can learn to live without him. But we can't do one thing - forget.

I frown as I slowly wake up from my sleep. I wonder what actually woke me up. After a while, quite a long moment, I conclude that it was your scream.

I open my eyes. You sit on the bed, clenching your fingers tightly on the covers. You're trembling from crying, you're shaking all over like a young tree because of the wind.

I know why this is so. It's today. Anniversary of Zill's death. You always have a nightmare this day. Always the same. Do you remember? You told me about it a year ago.

You run, when you see Zill on the edge of the cliff. He's calling you. He says he wants to talk to you, hug you, smile at you one last time. So you run. You're out of breath, but you don't slow down. When you reach out, Zill takes a step back and falls. You look down, but he's gone, the darkness took him. Then you feel the ground sliding under your feet. But your abyss isn't dark and cold. As you described it, it's just the endless sky. White cherry petals flutter around. The landscape is beautiful, but you realize that Zill has disappeared into the darkness, that you haven't had time to say goodbye to him, although you would have had the opportunity, if you had grabbed his hand a moment earlier. That is why, despite everything, you feel this huge emptiness and you can't admire what you see. It makes you fall eventually. And then you wake up screaming. Always the same day since four years.

I know that I shouldn't hug you, when you just woke up. You don't want this. The first time you dreamed about it, you pushed me away and hissed at me to not touch you, because you don't want anyone to touch you now. Then you sat huddled up in the bed and cried, and I didn't know, what to do. Your angry voice rang in my ears. I don't think you've ever spoken to me like this before, even though I've known you for many years. It hurts. And it hurt even more, because I wanted to somehow stop the tears streaming down your cheeks, and it turned out that I couldn't...

I don't know, how many minutes passed then. I just sat there and watched you cry and something was stabbing my heart, very badly. I hate helplessness.

You finally calmed down a bit. You were still trembling, but the tears weren't running so thickly down your cheeks anymore and your breathing was more calm. You looked at me. You must have seen a slight fear in my eyes, because you apologized to me. You explained that when you have such a strong nightmare, every touch makes you feel some inner pain. You couldn't explain it. But you hugged me. I put my arms around you and pulled you to me. Even just hugging you, I could feel your heart pounding. You were so scared. I never wanted to watch it again. Never hear you sob again, but...

...a year later it was the same. And the third time around, you finally found the courage to tell me about this traumatic dream. It was then that I realized how hard the death of Zill was for you. That it hit you harder than it did hit me. That to this day you blame yourself for coming to the hospital a few minutes too late.

"Tomofumi?" I look at you, very worried.

Maybe I should hug you now? Or maybe I should still wait?

"Tomofumi, do you hear me?"

You nodded. We both know that it isn't only an answer, but also a consent to touch you. I grab your hand and loose your clenched fingers. They're cold. Everytime, when you're stressed, your hands are cold.

"It's okay, Tomofumi. I'm with you" I say calmly, knowing that I could even read you some manual and you would smile gently.

You just want to hear my voice. You want to know that I didn't disappear like Zill.

"Hitomi" you say quietly.

It's strange for me. Usually you don't speak so fast. Only when you're calm, you start to speak.

"You have to live longer than me."

"What?"

"You have to die after me" you look at me firmly. "I wouldn't get over your death. You can't die before me. Do you understand?"

"Tomofumi" I smile gently, hugging you. "In fifty years, when the time comes for us, we will die together. Neither of us will leave as the first one."

"You promise?"

"I promise."

You hug me. This day, 23rd July, is the only day in the year, when it's me who has to take care of another. Your wings are broken and I can't hide under them. I am the only one, who can heal them. Nobody can do it, because you gave me this power of healing and no one else. And I won't give it anyone.

The end