I didn't see, though I was looking

Band: Nexx

Pairing: Tsukasa&Chisa

Rating: 17+

Genre: AU, angst

Warnings: major characters death, self-harm, suicide attempt, depression, blood

Note: "If our souls reincarnate, will we meet again?"

I stand in front of you and watch. I see your closed eyes, a faint smile, which froze on your face. I look at your pale skin, in this moment even more white and cold.

Blood isn't flowing. The heart doesn't beat. You're not breathing. You lie on your bed. Dead, but as beautiful as before.

You probably didn't know how to do it, because I can see a scarlet line on your wrist. Did you give up after making it? You realized that it's too much pain? Answer me!

Oh, right, I forgot. You died. And I stand in front of you, I'm looking at you and I can't see. As I didn't see, though I was looking, when you were alive. I didn't see your depression and I didn't see your despair, in which you were diving everyday.

I still hold a phone in my hand. I had to call the ambulance. I had to tell them that I found a suicide victim.

I touch you again. Cold. I can feel only cold. Sheer cold. But maybe I can save you? Maybe you'll open your eyes, even if your lips are blue? Your sweet, soft lips, ideal for kissing. So often stretching to a full smile.

Because you laughed. You had fun, you were sleeping with me and you were meeting with friends. You were watching anime and silly sitcoms, because actresses were beatufil. We were fooling around and... Why?

"Tsukasa?" doors to your hotel room opened suddenly. "Tsukasa, why are you cr..."

I cry? I didn't notice.

Hayato is standing in the silence, frozen in half of the word, looking at you, frightened. Does he also not see, even if he's looking? Did he also not see, though he was looking?

We're both standing, looking and not seeing. And you're laying and shining with whiteness of your skin and redness of your blood, which shines on your wrist.

Empty package of pills stands on cupboard next to the bed. It looks evil, as if it wants to tell us "I killed him!". But it isn't true. You killed yourself, alone in your despair, alone in your loneliness.

Why you didn't tell us anything? Why you didn't want help? Why you didn't show us that you feel bad?

Hayato falls to his knees. And I don't even have the strength to have strength, however strange it sounds. I just stand, stroking your ice-cold cheek, brushing bleached hair off your face and wiping away tears that still haven't dried.

You were crying, because you were dying or you were dying, because you were crying?

Hayato stood up. He's quiet. He didn't realize, what happened, yet.

I realize that if they take you, I will never see you again. I want to close the door and stay with you in this room. I want to hug you, to put my face in your plain shirt and inhale the scent of jasmine tea that you had to drink to swallow these drugs, because I can still smell it in the room. And you smell of it.

Instead, I just kneel by the bed and hug your hand. You have such short fingers for a man. But I always found your hands beautiful.

Wake up. Don't leave us here. Not in such a way. Not forever. Don't leave us. We need you. I need you.

Hayato is looking at me with tears in his eyes.

"Fifteen minutes ago" I say queitly.

He nods and goes out. He tries to calm down. He knows that he has to go and bring medics here. He knows that he has to tell our friends, what happened.

You don't know anything now. You drown in deep, black abyss and you won't swim out. You won't come back, you won't smile. You won't look at me with your beautiful, big eyes, you won't tell me that you love me, you won't hug me, you won't make love with me... You won't do anything.

If our souls reincarnate, will we meet again? I hope. I want to apologize to you for not seeing, though I was looking. I just want to apologize to you...

The end