A few minutes to hell

Band: Moran

Pairing: Hitomi&Hanami (OC), Soan&Zill, mentioned Ivy&Vivi

Rating: 17+

Genre: AU, angst, slice of life

Warnings: major characters death, self-harm, suicide attempt, depression, blood, psychotropic drugs

Note: Hitomi misses old Soan, who was his friends' guardian angel, but after Zill's death he became just empty shell of himself.

Past - 2008-2014

Present - 2016/2017

I'm sitting at his bedside. He's been staring at the wall in front of him and doesn't speak at all. Like he's in some kind of trance.

Hanami often says that I shouldn't come here. That she's afraid that I'm going to be sick too. I explain to her every time that he's my friend and I have to do it for him. She's always nodding and sending her wishes to him. I'm promising her that I'll pass them to him, even if I don't know, if he's going to hear them. And that's what it looks like all the time.

"Nurses allowed me to bring you chocolate" I say, pulling it out from my bag.

He looks at me. He's numb. I don't know, if it's caused by his depression or by his medicine. His eyes don't reflect the light. Like he has no soul.

"Flavour?" he asks.

He talks sometimes. But I don't remember, when was the last time, when this once cheerful man said more than half of a sentence.

"Strawberry. Your favourite" I say, giving it to him. "Nurses really allowed me to give you this. They said you're behaving well recently and you even eat everything at dinner."

"Oh" he nods, unpacking the chocolate bar with trembling fingers. "Thanks."

"You talk a lot today" I smile, gently petting his head. "Do you want to meet with Hanami?"

He's silent for a moment, slowly eating a piece of chocolate. Black hair covers his face.

"Who?" he asks finally.

I sigh. He had some issues with his memory for a long time.

"Hanami. My girlfriend" I say every world loudly and slowly to make him understand she's important for me.

He couldn’t comprehend this for a long time.

"We got together before we even had a band. Do you remember?"

"No" he shakes his head.

I don't know, what that means. He doesn't remember or he doesn't want to talk about it?

"I'm sorry. Don't panic" I put my hand on his shoulder and he just mouths something under his breath. "Should I not to mention it? I mean, Moran?"

"Yes" he looks at me with tears in his eyes. "Don't."

"I'm sorry again" I sigh. "You know, talking with you is a little difficult. You have to forgive me."

"I forgive" he smiles fakely.

Or maybe not?

"Come here."

"What do you mean?" I frown.

"With Hanami" he says, chewing a piece of chocolate. "I like her."

"You don't know her" I point out. "I mean, you know her, but you can't remember her."

"But I like her" he says. "She loves you?"

"Yes."

"So I like her" he puts his hand on my head.

His sleeve slips from his arm, showing his scars.

"For loving you."

He really is talkative today.

"IThat’s nice" I'm smiling friendly, getting up. "Do you want me to greet someone?"

"Sizna" he replies and thinks for a long moment.

Did he forget again?

"Ivy and Vivi too?" I ask.

"Yes" he nodded energetically. "Forgive me. I forgot."

"Just about their nicknames or about them?"

"Nicknames" he takes another piece of chocolate. "Ivy and Vivi."

"Yes."

"Pretty" he says. "Hitomi?"

"What?"

"Do you have to go?"

"Unfortunatelly" I'm streching lazily.

This chair isn't too comfortable.

"Shame" he puts chocolate on the night stand and lays down on bed. "I'll be alone."

"Don't worry. Maybe Sizna, Ivy or Vivi will visit you" I say, brushing hair from his face. "Can you remember their nicknames? Maybe I should tell you their real names?"

"I'll write them down" he says and his beautiful, deep eyes are closing slowly. "They're pretty."

"Good night" I stroke his head and turn off a lamp on his night stand.

I stare at him for a while to be sure he fell asleep and I leave his room.

I close the door. The sign on it tells everyone that it's Wakugawa Tomofumi's room. Everyone knows him as Soan or Towa. For me he's the best friend I've ever had.

When I leave the hospital, my cellphone rings.

"Hello, Hanami" I say, getting into my car. "Did something happen?"

"How's Soan?" she answers with a question. "Did he say something today?"

"He wants you to visit him. He wants to meet you."

"For the fourth time?"

"Forgive him. He's like that because of his medicine" I start the engine of my car. "Will you visit him with me the next time?"

"I will. I can even make a nut flavor cake."

"His favourite" I'm surprised a little. "You still remember."

"Yes" I can see with my imagination that she's smiling right now. "I like him. Still. Even if he lives in his own world now."

"Perfectly said" I admit. "I have to hang up, butterfly. I'm in a car."

"Okay~! See you home, then" Hanami probably waves her hand, even if I can't see this.

"See you" I reply and turn on my car.

* * *

I remember, when Soan and Zill appeared at the rehearsal, holding hands. Zill looked embarrassed, but Soan tried to comfort him. Velo almost fell from a chair, when he saw them. And I clapped my hands like a little kid. They took their sweet time getting together. I wanted to help them already.

Then they told us that Zill was the first, who told Soan about his feelings. I didn't expect this from this shy, quiet bassist. But sometimes things are like this.

Soan and Zill were a perfect couple. They were comforting each other, falling asleep after the exhausing day, taking care of each other and barely even quarelling (only because Soan was overprotective and Zill was too reckless). I've never seen Soan so in love with someone and I've known him for almost ten years. It was sweet looking at them and their love. Even Hanami was a little jealous, when she met them. She was my childhood friend. We realised we have feelings for each other after Velo left the band.

Zill always has been sickly. Soan tried to do everything to take care of him, but Saburou's immune system was a big joke. But despite everything, Zill was always happy, cheerfull, smiling, hard-working and first to help. He never denied helping anyone and never missed an opportunity to meet with his friends. But he had one big con among pros.

He really was the most reckless person in the world.

"Zill doesn't answer his phone" said Sizna, calling me a little worried. "Do you know, what's going on with him? We were suppoused to work on new material, but he's really late."

"Shouldn't Soan know?" I asked, stirring with a spoon in a pot.

"Soan doesn't answer his phone too. He had some leader business today, so he's probably busy" explained Sizna. "Maybe he's driving or something."

"I'll try to call them, I promise" I said to our future guitarist.

He still wasn't officially introduced to our fans.

"Thanks, Hitomi. I'm going to write my parts. I hope that Zill calls me soon" Sizna sighed and hung up.

I thought for a moment. Zill, who neglects his duties and friends? Something was wrong.

"Something happened, Hitomi?" asked Hanami, walking into the kitchen.

She wiped her wet, red hair with a towel, which she hanged on a chair.

"Is there something troubling you?"

"Zill doesn't pick up his phone" I explained. "I have bad feelings."

"Do you want to go to him?" she asked.

I shook my head.

"If he's not home, it'll be in vain. I don't have keys to his flat. And whatever happened, he's an adult man" I replied. "I'll call Soan and Shia, anyway."

"Shia?"

"Zill's brother. He's a guitarist" I called Soan, but I only heard an auto message. "Sizna is right. Soan doesn't pick up his phone too."

"Maybe they're busy with each other?" Hanami made a joke, putting on her contact lenses.

They helped her with her poor sight, but they also changed the colour of her eyes into green. I loved them. I still like them.

"Soan has a lot of work today" I replied. "He's a workaholic. Even Zill can't stop him from doing everything during one day. Besides, they don't live together, so it's a low chance they're together right now."

"They don't?" Hanami was surprised. "But they're so in love!"

"I know, but Zill's family doesn't tolerate his preferences" I explained. "Even his brother gives nasty comments and he's a musician too. I've always thought that we, artists, have more open minds, but... Well, it's not a rule."

"Some people are hopeless cases" said Hanami, looking into the pan, when I tried to reach Shia. "What are you cooking?"

"Sour-sweet chicken" I replied.

"Hello?" I heard Shia's tired voice on the other side. "Hitomi? What do you want?"

"Your brother doesn't pick up his phone" I explained. "He didn't come to the studio and he was suppoused to record new songs with Sizna."

"My brother? This workaholic?" Shia was surprised. "I'm in studio right now and I can't leave, because our leader is going to cut my head off, besides Sabu's home is far away from here, but I'm going to call our parents and brother. Shigeru is in Tokyo, I think, so he can check on Sabu. Can't you go to his flat yourself?"

"I don't have keys and if something happened to him..."

"I see. Thanks the for info!" exclaimed Shia and hung up.

"Shia is a good brother, isn't he?" asked Hanami.

"And that's the only good thing about him" I smiled sadly and turned off the oven.

We wouldn't eat anything anyway.

* * *

"Should we visit him?" asked Hanami.

"If Shigeru is in Tokyo, it doesn't make sense. Zill lives on the other side of town. It would last longer than Shigeru's getting there" I explained.

My phone rang. Shia.

"Hello?"

"Shigeru is on his way. He said that he'll be in any minute there" announced Shia. "I'll tell you later, what's going on."

"Thanks, Shia."

"I should be the one thanking you" replied Shia and hung up.

And my phone called one more time. This time I knew that this conversation won't be easy.

"Hello, Soan. Are you okay?"

"Sizna called me. What's going on with Saburou?" asked Soan, really worried. "I tried to call him, but he doesn't pick up. Hitomi, what's going on?"

"Calm down. Shigeru is probably at his place already. We'll know everything soon" I said. "Do, what you have to do and come here. We'll wait for informations together."

"Yes. Of course" Soan nodded. "I have to go now. I'll be at your place in two, maybe three hours. If you learn something new, call me."

"Of course" I promised.

I didn't learn anything else. My phone was silent.

"Maybe nothing happened?" suggested Hanami. "And that's why they forgot to tell us?"

"Whatever happened or not, they should call us" I said. "I'm trying to be calm, but Soan probably already lost his mind."

I heard knocking to the door. I opened them. And then I saw Soan for the first time in such condition.

Trembling, panicked, not able to look at me or anything else.

"He's not home" he announced, walking inside and taking off his shoes. "He's not picking his phone, Hitomi. No one called me. And they stopped picking their phones just like Saburou. Even Shia."

Hanami frowned, when Soan pulled out a cigarette from the box, but I nudged her. She immediately understood that it wasn't the best time for scolding him.

"He'll be okay" I promised. "And Shia is on a rehearsal. He's busy."

"It probably ended a long time ago" replied Soan and inhaled some smoke.

He still didn't know anything, but he looked bad already. And he was so pale that someone could think that he's not an Asian.

"We should be optimistic" I said. "Nothing wrong happened yet."

"Come to the living room. I'll bring some sake" promised Hanami. "Or maybe you want wine? We have strawberry wine, I think."

"Okay" replied Soan, stubbing out his cigarette in Maa-kun's bowl. "I'll wash it."

"You don't have to" I smiled slightly and took it to the kitchen.

My heart was beating like crazy. I didn't want to show, how much worried I was about our friend, becuase Soan was in such condition that I didn't have to feel anything.

But I felt. And it hurt.

* * *

Shia called Soan at the evening. Soan listened to him and then he dropped his cellphone.

"Soan? Soan!" I shook him and he broke free and ran towards his shoes. "What's going on?!"

"Sabu is in a hospital!" replied Tomofumi, putting on his shoes, then he left my home, slamming the door behind him.

I froze, then I brushed off the first shock and picked up my friend's phone and put it to my ear.

"Shia?" I whispered. "How bad it is?"

It was the first time, when I heard Shia's voice sounding like this.

"Very bad, Hitomi" Aki, because it was his real name, was almost crying. "He's dying."

* * *

Hanami fell asleep with her head on my lap because of stress. Sizna promised us that he's going to take care of everything. He's a good friend.

I was stroking Maa-kun's head and staring at the clock standing on a cupboard. I looked at Soan's glass.

He didn't even touch his drink. Good, because he had to drive now.

Maa-kun jumped on his paws and ran to the door, when we heard a doorbell. Hanami woke up and looked at me with sleepy eyes. I sighed, walking towards the door.

I opened the door and saw Shigeru, holding trembling and sobbing Soan's shoulder.

"He was few minutes late" announced Shigeru with quiet, emotionless voice. "Saburou is dead."

And Wakugawa Tomofumi, one of the strongest and optimistic people I know, fainted and fell on the floor. We didn't even have time to catch him.

* * *

Saburou's funeral was a nightmare. Soan's soul was practically with him, in the afterlife. He didn't eat, sleep or drink. We had to force him to drink glass of water at least. Me and Sizna were supporting him, holding his shoulders.

Hanami didn't come. She went to her parents' place. She couldn't to watch Soan in such grief. Like everyone. Like me.

* * *

Tomofumi was sitting on the balcony with a cigarrette in one hand and glass of wine in another. He was drifting in the endless darkness. He was drowning. And I didn't know, how to help him. For all our friendship he was the one, who's known all answers about emotions. And now he felt too much of them. Too negative. And they were pulling him down.

"Tomofumi?" I sat beside him and took a glass from his hands.

He looked at me with those empty eyes I saw even today. But then they were blurred with alcohol, not medicine.

"You have to live. For him."

"But he's gone" replied Soan, inhaling cigarette smoke and closing his eyes.

I knew he tried not to cry again. He always tried to not show his weakness. He was a strong and serious man, after all. But was this important, if at this moment he was just la ost, little boy? Or at least in this exact moment?

* * *

Slowly we've been collecting pieces from our shattered souls and sticking them together. We've been living, without Zill. Shia took his brother's bunny home. Sizna gave us comfort we needed. Hanami was still living with her parents, but she was calling me everyday. I was visiting her every weekend. It was hard, but we were fine.

Or at least I thought we were.

"Soan?!" I screamed, when I caught him doing that for the first time.

Blood. A lot of blood. Scratched wrists. A lot of blood, really.

I was swearing in my mind, dragging him to the bathroom. I was swearing in my mind, looking in these blurry eyes. How many pills did he take? Did he even felt this pain, which he gave himself?

I was swearing under my breath, when I was wiping his wrists with sanitizer. I was swearing under my breath, when I was wrapping his arms with bandages. Hanami taught me, how to do it.

I swore loudly, when he asked me, why I'm doing this.

"Because you're my friend! And I think that you should go to therapist" I growled. "Soan, you can't do something like this. You can't, do you understand? You have to live for Saburou. For yourself. For us. For Moran. For fans. Please."

He sighed.

"I'm sorry, Hitomi. I won't do this again" he promised.

I hugged him.

"Don't scare me like this anymore" I asked him. "Never again, okay?"

"Okay."

"Will you go to the therapy?"

"I'll go."

"Do you promise?"

"Yes."

"I'll take you there."

"Okay."

"I'm glad you agree" I let him go. "Take a shower. You're dirty because of all that blood."

When he left the shower, I checked his wounds and changed the bandages, because they were wet (from water and, to be honest, from blood too). I led him to his room, made sure that he's sleeping and returned to my bedroom.

I closed the door and fell to my knees. What the fuck is he doing?!

* * *

Ivy and Vivi brought a lot of joy and positivity into our world. Soan lived alone, went to a therapist, who prescribed him antidepresants and everything was fine. Hanami often asked if everything was okay and I always nodded and said yes. What was suppoused to be wrong? People die, there are so many widows and widowers in the world and somehow they cope. They move on, start families with someone new. Sizna said the same. And Soan was happy. He was fooling around with Ivy, took care of me, when I was hospitalized because of polyps, scolding Sizna, when he spent too much time with his cat instead of work and going to a cafe with Vivi whenever the youngest member of our band wanted to. He was friends with everyone in our musical circle and spread rainbow sparkles around him. Everyone thought that the bad time was over and would not return. Sometimes I could still see the emptiness in his eyes from that day and my mind would summon images of blood dripping onto the carpet, but I knew everything was okay.

I swear everything was okay!

* * *

"Hi-san" Ivy walked to me after one of rehearsals. "Can we talk?"

"Of course, Ivy" I put the manga I was reading on the table and looked at the bassist curiously. "What happened?"

"I noticed something concerning, Hi-san" announced Ivy. "Really concerning."

"About Vivi?" I got worried. "Talk to him, Ivy. You're a couple, you should talk."

"I'm not talking about Vivi, Hi-san" denied Ivy. "So-san... I know he's from Okinawa and he's still not used to Tokyo's temperatures, but... Don't you think that it's too hot for long sleeves?"

I realised suddenly that he's right. It was summer, hot summer and Soan...

...Soan was wearing hoodies and jackets.

"Ivy..."

"Hitomi, I heard about his past. And sometimes during sunny days I can see... you know, what" Ivy gritted his teeth. "I don't know, how to talk about such things. But please, talk to him. If he's doing something like that..."

"He's not. For sure" I said firmly. "He probably got tanned and he's ashamed that scars are too visible."

"I hope so" said Ivy.

We heard knocking on the door.

"Are you going, Toshi?" asked Vivi, peeking into the practice room. "Sorry to interrupt you, but I'm a little hungry. But I can wait, if you're talking about something important."

"Not at all" I replied, silencing Ivy non-verbally.

I didn't want to worry Vivi.

"Go, Ivy. I promise I'll talk to Soan."

Ivy nodded and left, saying "goodbye" to me, before he closed the door. Vivi just waved his hand.

I looked at my shoes and pulled out a cellphone from my pocket.

"Hello?"

"Hanami? I think something is wrong with Soan. I have to visit him."

"I understand" my girlfriend's voice trembled. "But promise me I'll hear only good news!"

* * *

Doors where open, when I pushed them. It was strange, Soan always locks his door, even if he's home. His shoes were laying in the opposite corners of the hall. He's a neat freak, so it was really suspicious.

And it was definitely too queit. I almost couldn't breathe.

"Soan?!" I called him, looking around. "Soan, where are you?! Tomofumi?!"

I didn't get an answer. Quiet voice in my head told me that I should go to the bedroom. And I was right. But it doesn't change the fact that I almost fainted, when I opened the door.

Wakugawa Tomofumi, known as Soan now or as Towa before.

Happy, friendly, lovely, overprotective, caring, often panicking and sometimes arrogant man.

The one, who was laughing in the morning, when Ivy told him a joke about pugs.

The one, who bought swinging toy flower for Vivi, because he knew that our guitarist likes such cute things.

The one, who praised Sizna for half of an hour, just because he liked his new solo so much.

And the one, who comforted me after my quarrell with Hanami.

Was laying in a futon soaked in blood, clenching his fingers on the frame with Zill's photo.

I ran to him, screaming his name and grabbing his shoulders.

Veins.

He cut his veins.

And I could see older and newer scars on his limbs.

They looked like covered with spiderwebs.

"TOMOFUMI!"

* * *

They managed to save him. At least physically. But he never came back. Not mentally. And his body wasn't the same anymore.

He died in July 2010, with Zill.

* * *

I'm holding Hanami's hand, when we're walking into his room. He's sitting on the bed and he probably didn't even notice our presence.

"Soan?" I call him, but he doesn't react.

I hit my face with my hand. Right, he forgot. Stupid me!

"Tomofumi?" I start once again.

He looks at me.

"Oh, Hitomi" he smiles.

I think that his smile is even real this time.

"And Hanami."

"Hitomi, he remembers" says Hanami, surprised.

"I remember" Soan nods. "Sizna, Ivy and Vivi."

"Correct."

"Pretty" he takes the cake from Hanami. "Smells good."

"It's a nut cake. Your favourite" says Hanami.

"Strawberries?" he asks.

"I added them only to half of the cake, because I didn't know, if it's going to taste good" Hanami points on the strawberry-nut half of cake. "Something told me to do it."

"Thanks" he puts the basket on the night stand. "Will Saburou visit me too?"

It hadn't happened before. Did he really just forget about his death?

"Tomofumi..."

"So he won't" Soan looks at the window with bars behind it. "Is he waiting for me?"

"Yes" I nod. "I'm sure about it. He loves you, right?"

"Yeah, he loves me" he tries to reach the window with his scarred arm.

His scars illuminated in white light of lightbulbs.

He's quiet for a moment. And then, for the first time since years, he says more than short sentences and nods.

"I was too late to say goodbye. Just a few minutes. Do you think he'll forgive me? That Shia had to share his last words with me?" he asks, still looking at the window.

Does he see Zill in it? Maybe. I don't know.

"Of course. That's Saburou. He forgives everyone" I tell him.

Soan smiles and puts down his hand. Have I calmed him down? Maybe nurses are right. Maybe I really am the only person, who can reach him. Even his parents and brother can't.

Who knows? Maybe in some other universe we're even a couple?

I look at Hanami. I see tears in her eyes. She doesn't like this place. She doesn't like this "new" Soan.

But just like me, just like the whole world, she misses the old one, who was our guardian angel. But unfortunatelly evil fate cut his beautiful, big wings.

The end