Nobody knew it would end this way

Band: D'espairsRay

Pairing: Tsukasa&Hizumi; Karyu&Zero in the background

Rating: 17+

Genre: romance

Warnings: -

Note: Tsukasa tries to win over Hizumi, but he's blind, deaf and dumb.

That day, he thought he had everything. A stable band, where there has never been quarells. Fairly promising prospects for the future. His beloved birds, for which he recently bought a new, tiny swing. And most importantly - Hizumi cuddled up to him, when they fell asleep after spending the first night together. Among many.

Actually, Tsukasa didn't know, when he fell in love with him. Maybe it was at the very beginning of D'espairsRay's activity? Maybe later? Or maybe not long before he stared at him on the set of the music video?

"Will you finally talk to him or not?" asked Karyu, trying to lit a cigarette with a lighter, which he was holding with his long fingers.

Why this native Japanese, without any European or American ancestors, was so tall? 185 centimeters! How?!

"I'm trying to, but Hizumi is..."

"Blind" Karyu interrupted him, giving up and hiding a lighter in a pocket. "And deaf. And in emotions' case he's dumb."

"Hey, don't insult him!" Tsukasa felt a little offended.

"And you lend me a lighter, because mine either broke or Michio wasted all of my fuel again" Karyu stretched out his hand to the drummer.

And he smokes like a dragon, but he's still as tall as a birch tree...

"I don't have one" replied Tsukasa. "I decided that maybe I could pick up Hizumi using his sense of smell, since his sight and hearing aren't the same anymore."

"Oh gods, it sounded like he was fifty" Karyu laughed shortly. "You can try it with a taste. And touch."

"Taste and touch?" Tsukasa repeated.

"Well, I picked up Michio like that" Karyu shrugged.

"How?"

"I kissed him and you know, bang, it's done" Karyu snapped his fingers. "But maybe it's because he's such an erotomaniac..."

"What did you say? He likes to tie and you like to be tied up?" asked Tsukasa. "You're both little freaks."

"Jealous?" Karyu smiled slightly as he leaned towards Tsukasa.

"A little" the drummer replied. "Okay, I'm gonna go try to talk to him. If it doesn't work out, I swear I'll try your way or else I'll choke him."

"Don't choke him, we need a vocalist!" cried Zero, as he approached Karyu. "What's up, Yoshi?"

"Everything's fine. I'm sending Tsu to finally do something about Hizumi, before we all go crazy" replied Karyu, for which he was smacked by Tsukasa.

He won't arbitrarily lecture the leader here. He might not have given up on his role, since he likes to exalt himself so much.

Tsukasa looked at Karyu again. No, he doesn't have to be exalted. Who is even taller than him? There is no such a person, are they not born yet or are they in elementary school and they're still about to grow taller?

Tsukasa sighed and walked towards Hizumi. The sooner he talks to him, the sooner it'll be over.

At most he would kiss him seriously and watch his reaction. Nothing will happen if he gets slapped in the face. At least he will know what he is standing on.

Hizumi was sitting next to the window and reading video's script. Tsukasa walked to him. Hiroshi of course didn't notice him, closed in his own world.

They knew each other for ten years. Karyu and Zero were together for five. And then there was Hizumi, still blind, deaf and dumb.

"Hizumi?" called him Tsukasa.

"Yes?" Hizumi looked at him.

"Can we talk?" Kenji sat down next to him. "I thought recently..."

"I'm a little busy" replied Hizumi.

Tsukasa sighed.

"You're always busy" said Kenji. "And you keep pushing me away."

"Maybe you come at bad times?"

"I come at good times, only you are so..."

"What?" asked Hizumi, looking Tsukasa straight in the eyes.

"Inadvertent" replied Kenji and sighed. "Will you come with me..."

"We have a lot of work to do" Hizumi interrupted him. "Now we're shooting a music video. Then we have to record the rest of the single and we have another album planned! Wherever I would have to go, a day would have to be at least twenty-nine hours. How not even more."

"Karyu was right" said Tsukasa. "You're dumb."

"What?" Hizumi looked at him, confused. "What are you talking about?"

"I mean that I love you" announced Tsukasa, standing up. "But you only think about work. You don't pay attention to anything and anyone else."

Hizumi looked at him for a moment, then grabbed his hand, looking down.

"I'm sorry" he said quietly.

"For what?" asked Tsukasa.

"That I didn't notice that..." Hizumi held his breath. "...you feel something for me too. I should have noticed this before, but... You know."

"You're almost thirty years old, Hiroshi" Tsukasa called him by his first name. "I'm also almost thirty years old and since you have feelings for me, I require you to tell me."

"I'm telling you now" said Hizumi.

"Yes. But I've been trying to pick you up for six months" Tsukasa spread his hands helplessly.

Well, almost, because one was still held by Hizumi.

Hiroshi sighed.

"So I'm dumb, blind and deaf?" asked Hizumi, standing up. "Can you forgive me?"

"Of course I can forgive you" Tsukasa patted Hizumi like he was a naughty dog. "But you need to sort out your priorities."

And when he finally kissed Hizumi, he really didn't expect what would happen in a few years.

Because who knew it would end this way? That Hizumi wouldn't keep his promise and ruin his health by completely ignoring the flu and whooping cough?

"You should stop singing or you're going to stop talking" said the doctor, frightening all of them.

Hizumi has been silent a lot since then. Tsukasa was the only one who could reach him. Even Karyu and Zero couldn't do it.

They went on hiatus. They were sure it would be enough. That someday they'll come back in the glow of glory, because Hizumi will recover.

But he didn't. Hizumi still had trouble even with speaking. The most painful thing for him was when he tried to tell Tsukasa that he loved him too and couldn't, because only a wheezing noise was coming from his throat.

"It's okay" Kenji was always smiling and hugging Hizumi. "It's okay. I know, what did you want to say."

But in the end they had to disband. After all these years they felt as if they were shot in their hearts. As if they died for a moment and couldn't do anything.

Karyu joined Angelo. Zero started his own band and invited Tsukasa to play with him.

"Why didn't you want to play with Karyu?" asked Kenji.

After all, Zero and his leggy lover where inseparable.

"A little longing won't hurt us" Michio laughed. "You know, how good sex is after a long separation?"

Tsukasa still didn't know it during this conversation. But he had to see it for himself how it felt like.

And it wasn't as good as Zero said. Sometimes Tsukasa even didn't have the strength. And Hizumi, locked at home with a laptop, didn't try to force him to anything.

But it was still his Hiroshi after all. With that pugnacious look of his and a slightly chubby face. Maybe he wasn't very observant, but his personality made up for everything. It was enough that he walked to Tsukasa and hugged him, resting his chin on his shoulder. Even if they were almost equal in height and he had to stand on tiptoes.

"Silly hamster" Tsukasa usually said and snapped Hizumi's nose.

And it was enough to make them laugh again.

The end

Nine

Band: Alice Nine, Kagrra,

Pairing: Saga&Shou, mentioned Shou and Isshi's friendship

Rating: 17+

Genre: slice of life

Warnings: based on real events, mentioned death

Note: Written during the pandemic, when ninth anniversary of Isshi's death was close.

And now we passed the fifteenth.

Flowing time scares me...

Ohara Kazumasa, called by friends and his long-term partner "Kazuma" and by fans "Shou", since Alice Nine has formed, had too much love for the number nine.

When they celebrated their ninth anniversary with the band, it was more important to him than the tenth. He always fed Shishamo at 9AM and 9PM. He measured everything in nines. Steps, flowers for mum's birthday bouquet... He remembered when he poured nine teaspoons of sugar into his coffee. It tasted so terrible that he immediately stopped sweetening his coffee completely.

However, this time it was different. This nine didn't make him happy at all. This one particular nine.

2020 has been a tough year for everyone. The global coronavirus pandemic. Canceled concerts. Postponed tours. Delayed events.

Overall, he was enjoying the Tokyo Olympics, but it would start in July, if everything was normal. It will start next year, but...

He wanted to somehow survive this nine without forcing a smile.

"Kazuma?" Saga looked at Shou, who was sluggishly playing with the Shishamo. "Did something happen?"

"No" Shou shook his head. "Everything is okay."

"But you've been a little sad for a few days" Saga sat on the chair. "Is it because coronavirus?"

"I like number nine" said Shou, swinging the fishing rod slower and slower, though Shishamo was still chasing the little orange fish at the end of the string with the same enthusiasm. "But sometimes >>nine<< also means something unpleasant, and... You understand, right?"

Saga nodded. He understood this.

It's been nine years since Shou's grandma died. Shou was closer to her than to his parents.

It's been also nine years since the massive earthquake and tsunami that hit Japan in 2011.

Saga looked at calendar. Behind the window he could see a landscape of June. It's getting warmer. Their birthday are close. First Saga's, then Shou's.

But this July's nine was staring at him with evil smile. One of its pupil had a shape of 1, second had a shape of 8. And Saga knew that Shou couldn't stand this nine the most.

People get old and die. You can prepare for the fact that the ninety-year-old woman will pass away someday.

Japan is located in the Pacific ring of fire, so earthquakes and tsunamis are also predictable. Many people have died, many have disappeared forever.

But what if you suddenly find out that your friend had a stroke and has been dead for a week?

A friend, a mentor, a person you perceived as an older brother, someone you can always rely on.

Who will never abandon you in times of need.

Kagrra, disbanded nine years ago. And Alice Nine still existed. They lived for a longer time than those who helped them shine. The students surpassed the masters.

Their teachers of the stage life. Akiya, who was still close to them thanks to Tora. Izumi and Shin, who rarely spoke to them, but still kept in touch with their "preschoolers". And Nao, poor Nao, who still had hallucinations from time to time.

And Isshi, who has been dead for almost nine years.

And Ohara Kazumasa, sitting in front of him, still can't get over it.

"Do you want to go to cafe shop?" asked Saga, pulling Shou out of his thoughts. "We can eat carrot cake, if it is open. Shall we go check it out?"

It was their little tradition. They always went to this cafe, when Shou was sad because of this anniversary. In the past, he couldn't even enter this cafe. But it was calming him now. As if he could still feel Isshi's presence there.

"Where do you think he is?" Saga asked, opening the front door.

"Nao says that in heaven" Shou replied, looking for the keys.

"Or maybe he reincarnated?" Saga took his own keys and locked the door. "Maybe as a teenager he'll come to our concert?"

"We'll be old then" noticed Shou.

"But maybe he'll be eleven?"

"Would your mum send you to a rock concert at this age?"

"And who said someone has to let him go for a rock concert?" Saga snorted. "You go to rock concerts without parental consent, sneaking out through the window at night."

"Sometimes I wonder how your parents hadn't killed you for all these years..."

"You hadn't killed me too because of the same reason" said Saga, grabbing Shou's hand and twining hin fingers with his. "Because they love me~"

"And what if I told you that I'm only with you for sex?"

"Kazuma! People don't stay in relationships for twelve years just for sex!"

Shou laughed. He still loved to tease Saga.

It won't ever change.

The end

Our kind of Magic

Band: Kizu

Pairing: Yue&Lime

Rating: 18+

Genre: lemon/smut

Warnings: sexual scenes

Note: My first attempt to write spicy scene or just Yue and Lime having their sexy rituals.

He has big hands and, because of that, long fingers.

Lime likes them. His hands, his fingers, his arms. Manly, strong, muscular.

Perfect.

On the outside, Yue's hands are smooth. The silky skin makes Takuya amazed every time he accidentally touches his hand.

Yue is all like velvet. Like the softest material that exists in this world.

But the back of the hand is different.

Harsh. Especially on the fingertips. As if a pumice stone was sliding over his body, not skin.

And it slides often. Well, maybe not as often as in case of some of his friends, but often enough to make him shudder at the mere thought.

Sometimes he gets the feeling that Yue is one of a kind. That he's different species, from another dimension, from another reality. Lime was in the past with a few women and two men, but Yue is so...

He can't even find the right word.

"You know that I love you, right?" Yue whispers in his ear as he sits on their bed wide apart and pulls him closer.

And he sits with his back on Yue's chest and closes his eyes, because the mere sound of his voice is sometimes too much of an experience for poor Takuya.

Let him tell him that he loves him.

Let those long fingers of his undo buttons from his shirt.

One, two, three.

And it's gone. There is no more buttons left.

Trousers neither. Only underwear and socks, but that's easy to take off.

They're both naked. Undressing is easy and quick.

Especially when a person stops thinking.

And completely undressed they go under the shower. As in some ritual. Always.

Lukewarm water doesn't help, when Yue is kissing him. When his rough fingers touch his sensitive skin. Not quite as sensitive as Yue's, but that pumice stone would make anyone vulnerable.

Sometimes they leave the bathroom still wet. Sometimes they don't reach the bedroom.

But they're usually composed enough to reach the bed. And that's when a new story begins. Or rather, another chapter of the same story. The one they have been writing for a long time.

They both have long hair. Long enough to scatter on the pillow in any configuration.

Sometimes Takuya's hands tremble when he's on top. Yue's don't. He's always so unnaturally calm. Or at least, when he prepares them for the proper act.

And that pisses Takuya off. Yes, it pisses him off. Because Lime would like to do it now! And he gets impatient, but Yue takes a long time to apply this lubricant, spreads it on his hands for a long time, and spreads it on, as he often calls it, the key and the padlock.

Because penis and ass are bad words and unromantic.

To hell with this romanticism! He has to take him, not write poems!

That's why Yue often covers his eyes with a scarf. This somehow calms Takuya down, he stops being so irritated and waits, pushing his thighs apart and holding his breath as soon as he feels those rough fingers on his arms.

Because he knows Yue will push into him in a second. And if Lime doesn't hold his breath, he'll groan, and he doesn't like that because it's humiliating.

According to Takuya, of course.

Yue is gentle. Always. He always hugs him, caresses him and tries to move slowly, because he doesn't want to hurt Takuya. And this is so amazing about Yue, but sometimes you even ask for "harder" or "faster", because how long can you wait?

But the longer the better. And the better, the more Yue's back is scratched and the more sighs. Not moaning. Sighs like irritation. Or maybe just irritation, because how long can you wait for an orgasm? Patience runs out in the end.

Although, to be honest, Lime likes to wait. Because the later he comes, the more intense the orgasm is. Sometimes they manage to achieve orgasm at about the same point in time, and that's when it's magic.

How they both stop breathing at almost the same moment and just cuddle up to each other and then gasp softly because they don't like being loud. Yes, they don't. They have friends who are even yelling. They know because they have heard them. But they don't like it, this is their world, their crayons. Why should others know their colours?

Sometimes Lime is on top. And then it is less gentle, less magical. Although... Maybe that's a kind of magic too? Only this time it's black magic. Sex with Yue as seme is white magic. Yes. It would make sense.

Lime doesn't waste his time. Yue's long, beautiful legs are bent, one on his left and one on his right. Lime doesn't use any stupid names for penis and ass, because that's penis and ass, for gods' sake. And if he wants now and he can get it now, because he is the top this time. And he doesn't stop himself and Yue doesn't protest because... Does he ever protest?

Of course, a ritual with a shower must happen. Yue wouldn't go to bed dirty. Either he's so clean, or he just likes the smell of shampoo and shower gel in bed. Who knows?

But it's actually... Interesting. Lime on the bottom scratches, scratches a lot, sometimes bites, but he doesn't move a lot like Yue. And Yue is either so touchy or...

After all, how does he have such sensitive skin...

Well. In any case, sometimes Lime has to even hold Yue down. Press him against the bed by force. Sometimes he sees tears in the corners of his beloved's eyes. But not because Yue is hurt. Lime wouldn't hurt Yue, because he would probably do somehing bad to himself. Just somehow... Out of excitement?

And Lime can't shake the feeling that Yue is a goddamn angel. Perfect character, perfect body... Only the butt turned out to be so skinny. But the way he whispers his name during sex, the way he bends when he comes, is somehow so... It rewards him.

And if they won't fall asleep, they go to the bathroom again. First the shower, then the bathtub. Big bathtub, because Yue insisted they have to buy a new one. Because he wants to cuddle Takuya, just like on the bed, before they start their erotic ritual. Like a buckle. It begins with the same activity and ends with the same activity.

The bathroom smells of citrus. Only one bulb is lit. It's dimness and Takuya's dogs and Yue's cat are scratching at the door, because what are these people doing so long in this small, dark room?

"You know that I love you, right?" Yue asks him again, blowing bubbles off the top of Takuya's head.

"I know" replies Lime, focusing on not falling asleep in the water. "I love you too."

The end

I won't let you

Band: Kizu

Pairing: Yue&Lime

Rating: 17+

Genre: slice of life

Warnings: based on true story, mentioned teenage depression and his failed suicide attempt

Note: Yue learns, what happened to Lime, when he was nineteen.

Everyone is asking me, when.

When, when, when.

This question is starting to be annoying.

When I fell in love with you? I don't know.

I only know, when I realised it.

It was during this interview. I learnt more then than I wanted to.

Or I should say that I wanted to know it. But I wanted to learn it in normal circumstances and not because smiling journalist asked you about something different.

I felt as if someone stabbed me in the heart with icicle. As if I drowned in the cold water.

Well, it isn't so much false.

Waves of memories were coming one after another. All these stares, gentle smiles, moments, when I was the first person, who wanted to help you, but I didn't know, why.

Dumbass. Seriously, you're a dumbass.

I walked to you after the interview. I was dizzy, my ears buzzed and my hands felt cold. I still felt the icicle in my heart.

I asked you, why you didn't tell me. And if it's true, because I didn't want to believe in it.

You were surprised. You were sure that I know.

Reiki knew. I don't know if Kyonosuke knew, because he didn't say anything.

I was angry. But not because you tried to do something so terrible. I was angry, because you didn't tell me. And I explained this, hugging you, because you probably needed it.

I needed it. At least to realise that I love you.

I still don't know, when I fell in love with you. But this day I promised that I will protect you.

Even from yourself.

* * *

I'm lying next to you. You're staring at the ceiling, thinking about something.

There are moments, when I can ask you about everything and you'll give me the most honest answer, without lying. Without hiding your emotions. Without avoiding the uncomfortable truth.

You have to be taken out of this state. Then you will say everything.

"How?" I ask.

I don't know, why.

But you always know, what I'm asking you about.

Especially, when I tried to force you to give me an answer the same day a lot of times.

"Because I'm a vertically challenged person" you say calmly. "I tried to hang the rope over the branch, but couldn't reach it, so I got pissed and went home."

I blink.

"Seriously?" I ask.

"Yes" you smile a little. "I was a stupid bastard. I couldn't respect my own life. And when this stupid rope fell one more time, I didn't know whether I was more pissed at myself for my idiotic idea, or at this rope, or at my height, or all at once."

"So a fact that you're a cute shorty saved your life?" I'm playing with your soft hair.

"If you call me that one more time, I'm gonna punch you" you almost growl, saying this. "Besides that, you pulled me out from my thoughts again, because you wanted to know something I don't want to talk about!"

"Because you feel shame?"

"...because I feel shame" you nod, a little embarrassed.

You're only embarrassed, when you really regret something and feel bad.

"But you won't tell me this, if I ask you in normal conditions" I say.

You sigh.

"But why do you care? It's only the past" you mumble annoyed, hugging me.

"But yours" I say quietly, scratching your head. "And if I want to protect our future, I have to know your past."

"Mhm... It will be the best if you stop asking me about it" your voice is sleepy, but you're still a little annoyed. "And stop being so sweet-talking."

"I won't force you to talk" I promise. "Don't worry. I won't let you think about your past again."

I don't know if you are asleep already, but you don't react, so probably I'm right.

I cover us with a quilt.

I listen to you calm breathing.

And, I hope, everything is okay again.

We have to believe in it.

The end

Scent of the Rain

Band: Kizu&Xaa-Xaa

Pairing: Lime&Kazuki

Rating: 17+

Genre: romance

Warnings: alcohol

Note: Lime finds Kazuki on his doormat. With an alcohol-scented broken heart.

Men shouldn't cry.

This is what society wants and that is what we should follow.

We shouldn't cry, when something bad happened. We shouldn't cry after our beloved one's death. We shouldn't cry, when we have broken heart.

We shouldn't.

And usually we remember about it.

And then we're drunk and we forget about every social norms. About all the principles of operation of the modern world.

Kazuki was sitting on a doormat in front of the door to my home. With his knees tucked under his chin, his arms wrapped around his legs.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, folding the umbrella and, as usual, cutting my finger.

Typical.

He looked at me.

"Kazuki?" I crouched.

It was strange to look at him from above, because he's tall as a birch tree, and I... Well, I'm not one of the tallest people.

He smelled of rum and geosmine.

"What happened?" I asked, putting a hand on his cheek.

He was cold. His cheeks would be warm because of tears, but these big, dark clouds made this powerful downpour. But Kazuki's red eyes said that it wasn't only rain, which washed his cheeks.

"Kazu?" I looked in his eyes - black as a despair, which always was hiding in them.

They reminded me of my eyes. Maybe it was the reason, why I understood Kazuki better than other people did.

"Get up. Let's go inside. You can't sit here. You'll catch a cold" I smiled gently.

Kazuki stood up. He was still quiet.

The silence was interrupted by a the clang of the lock in the door. We went inside. My dogs were happy to see us.

"I have to go for a walk with them" I said quietly.

Kazuki looked at me, still not changing that pained face of his.

"I'm sorry. I will try to come back soon. Well, it's raining, so it isn't the best weather for a walk" I said, fastening Lemon's and Fuu-chan's leashes.

The roads turned into swift streams because of the rain. The umbrella bent in all directions.

I would have to throw it away.

I came home and unfastened my dogs' leashes. They rushed to their baskets at once and buried themselves in the blankets.

Kazuki fell asleep on the sofa. His clothes were still wet.

"You'll catch a cold" I sighed.

He opened his eyes. So he wasn't asleep?

"Can you tell me, what happened?" I've been annoyed already.

"Youhei... I mean, Roji. He broke up with me" explained Kazuki, staring at the wall. "It hurts, Lime. Maybe I'm too old to feel this pain. But it still hurts."

"It hurts, because you're drunk" I said, putting a blanket on Kazuki's shoulders. "When you'll sober up, it would stop hurting."

"It hurt, when I was sober before" he mumbled.

"But less. Alcohol only strengthens the pain because you lose control of your emotions" I stroked his head and hissed.

Stupid wound.

I looked at my hand. Because of the rain, a band aid was wet and peeled off. The blood that had not yet clothed began to trickle again.

Kazuki was watching it too. He took my hand gently and ran his index finger over the wound.

I hissed again. What the hell was he thinking?

"What are you doing?" I asked, watching as Kazuki spreads my blood on his fingers.

He probably lost his mind, I think.

"Kazu?" I put my left hand on his cheek and lifted his head, because I wanted to see his eyes.

He looked at me, still holding my hand.

He was completely drenched. I was a bit.

We both smelled like geosmine now.

And I don't know, why I pulled out my hand between Kazuki's fingers. Maybe because I wanted to put my hand on his other cheek and kiss his lips.

And maybe because he looked like a poor puppy and I am dog person.

And maybe because he's one of my best friends and maybe because of this I knew that he needed it.

And maybe because of this I helped to take off his clothes and I let him do it the same with mine.

He was submissive. Very submissive. As if he didn't care anymore.

And I didn't know if it was because of the alcohol or his mood or a little bit of both.

All I knew was that he hugged me right after I fell on him. I couldn't breath even more than a moment before.

Or maybe we both needed it? I don't know.

But for the first time I felt that it really didn't matter that he was twenty centimeters taller than me. And that he is three years older.

In bed we're the same.

And when it comes to the psyche, we're all the same.

Weak as brittle leaves in the fall.

Especially the two of us.

It might come as a surprise to some, but a broken heart doesn't really care what gender its owner is.

The end