I won't let you

Band: Kizu

Pairing: Yue&Lime

Rating: 17+

Genre: slice of life

Warnings: based on true story, mentioned teenage depression and his failed suicide attempt

Note: Yue learns, what happened to Lime, when he was nineteen.

Everyone is asking me, when.

When, when, when.

This question is starting to be annoying.

When I fell in love with you? I don't know.

I only know, when I realised it.

It was during this interview. I learnt more then than I wanted to.

Or I should say that I wanted to know it. But I wanted to learn it in normal circumstances and not because smiling journalist asked you about something different.

I felt as if someone stabbed me in the heart with icicle. As if I drowned in the cold water.

Well, it isn't so much false.

Waves of memories were coming one after another. All these stares, gentle smiles, moments, when I was the first person, who wanted to help you, but I didn't know, why.

Dumbass. Seriously, you're a dumbass.

I walked to you after the interview. I was dizzy, my ears buzzed and my hands felt cold. I still felt the icicle in my heart.

I asked you, why you didn't tell me. And if it's true, because I didn't want to believe in it.

You were surprised. You were sure that I know.

Reiki knew. I don't know if Kyonosuke knew, because he didn't say anything.

I was angry. But not because you tried to do something so terrible. I was angry, because you didn't tell me. And I explained this, hugging you, because you probably needed it.

I needed it. At least to realise that I love you.

I still don't know, when I fell in love with you. But this day I promised that I will protect you.

Even from yourself.

* * *

I'm lying next to you. You're staring at the ceiling, thinking about something.

There are moments, when I can ask you about everything and you'll give me the most honest answer, without lying. Without hiding your emotions. Without avoiding the uncomfortable truth.

You have to be taken out of this state. Then you will say everything.

"How?" I ask.

I don't know, why.

But you always know, what I'm asking you about.

Especially, when I tried to force you to give me an answer the same day a lot of times.

"Because I'm a vertically challenged person" you say calmly. "I tried to hang the rope over the branch, but couldn't reach it, so I got pissed and went home."

I blink.

"Seriously?" I ask.

"Yes" you smile a little. "I was a stupid bastard. I couldn't respect my own life. And when this stupid rope fell one more time, I didn't know whether I was more pissed at myself for my idiotic idea, or at this rope, or at my height, or all at once."

"So a fact that you're a cute shorty saved your life?" I'm playing with your soft hair.

"If you call me that one more time, I'm gonna punch you" you almost growl, saying this. "Besides that, you pulled me out from my thoughts again, because you wanted to know something I don't want to talk about!"

"Because you feel shame?"

"...because I feel shame" you nod, a little embarrassed.

You're only embarrassed, when you really regret something and feel bad.

"But you won't tell me this, if I ask you in normal conditions" I say.

You sigh.

"But why do you care? It's only the past" you mumble annoyed, hugging me.

"But yours" I say quietly, scratching your head. "And if I want to protect our future, I have to know your past."

"Mhm... It will be the best if you stop asking me about it" your voice is sleepy, but you're still a little annoyed. "And stop being so sweet-talking."

"I won't force you to talk" I promise. "Don't worry. I won't let you think about your past again."

I don't know if you are asleep already, but you don't react, so probably I'm right.

I cover us with a quilt.

I listen to you calm breathing.

And, I hope, everything is okay again.

We have to believe in it.

The end