For the first time I see the light

Band: Kizu

Pairing: Yue&Lime

Rating: 17+

Genre: romance

Warnings: -

Note: "Everything what I would tell Natsume or these two nice women and all these silly fans.

So why [...] I said this?"

In fact, I've never told someone this before, who isn't my family. And, of course, all these people, who didn't want to do something for me, so I manipulated them this way.

So, there wasn't anyone, who could hear my honest words from the depth of my heart... which I don't have... Or maybe I should say that my heart is dirty as much as if someone threw it in a puddle...

...I should shut up.

What I was talking about? Oh, right. About that I've never told this anyone before. Of course some people, especially women, forced me to do this. I was just tired because of their whining, how cold as an ice I am, because I'm not telling them that I love them. Their friends' partners are doing this everyday and gods, you're harsh and you should be embarrassed, Takuya, because it's dishonour on you and your cow.

Alright, alright. But you were dating Lime, dear girls, not Takuya. You wanted money, fame and all the pleasant things. Meanwhile, you got a man tired of life, although he has not even reached his thirties yet. Oh no, I feel so sorry for you.

Natsume was the only one, who deserved it. Only Natsume. Okay, there were also two women, who wanted Takuya, not Lime, so I could tell them that, but it isn't that easy...

Mainly because it robs a human of some... Privacy. You have to come out your cocoon, you have to suddenly talk about your feelings, which is terribly uncomfortable and every time I feel sick and my hands are shaking. Who needs that? I prefer to spend more time with someone I... care about, lean on his shoulder and read a book, listen to his steady breathing because, unlike me, he can fall asleep under any conditions.

And every night.

I should probably do something with my unregular sleep scheme.

But I digress. I prefer to cover my favourite person with a blanket, make tea, go to the shop to buy three types of ice-cream and let his kitty sleep in our bed. I can do this. But such coming out your cocoon... 

Peeling the emotional skin... No, no and nope.

And maybe that's why it surprised me so much.

One after another the fireworks exploded, making the sky lit up with all the colours of the rainbow.

I've always squinted at times like this, because I've been sensitive to light for as long as I can remember. But this time it was different. This time it didn't bother me at all.

As if I saw the light for the first time.

I looked at you. You stood next to me and gazed dreamily towards this colorful spectacle. I had the impression that you looked even more beautiful than usual.

Why are you so damn handsome?

You trembled in surprise, when my fingers gently touched yours. You looked at me closely.

"Something happened, Takuya?"

I shook my head.

"No, everything is okay" I said, looking in your eyes, which were reflecting colorful fireworks and pale moonlight.

This night was a full moon. Everything could happen.

But I didn't think that it will be so... unexpected. Something what will surprise even me. And you'll be in a pure shock.

"Are you sure?" you asked, worrying about everything as always.

You started to play with my hair, so I closed my eyes.

Fireworks disapeared. The moon stayed. It won't go down for a few hours.

"I'm sure" I replied quietly.

"So why are you staring at me as if you wanted something from me?" you asked, smiling gently.

I wanted to say that you're just so handsome.

Or that I like your beautiful smile.

Anything.

Everything what I would tell Natsume or these two nice women and all these silly fans.

So why...

"Because I love you" ...I said this?

You froze for a long moment, as if you were afraid of breathing.

And I didn't know, what exactly happened.

Whence...

For what...

Why...

I stopped thinking about nonsense, when you kissed me.

And I had the feeling that this kiss was different this time. As if it was both a reward and a thank you for that stupid confession.

"I love you too" you whispered in my ear, blowing my hair with your breath.

It made me tremble.

Do this more often, Mitsuhiro, and I will be addicted to you.

As if I wasn't already.

The end

Silent voice

Band: Kizu

Pairing: Yue&Lime; Kyonosuke&Reiki in the background

Rating: 17+

Genre: slice of life

Warnings: based on real events

Note: Based on this one event, which had to be cancelled after break, because Yue was taken to the hospital.

In fact, it's you who always take cares of us. You're our band mum, who cares for everyone, cares about everything and probably thinks about preparing bento boxes, so that we eat well.

So I thought that when we went to a shop promotion of our stuff one day of March, nothing bad would happen. You're always watching. Even if I am a leader.

"Lime. Lime. Lime. Lime. Lime" Reiki was poking me, repeating my nickname over and over.

"Reiki, do this one more time and I swear that I'm gonna tie you up with strings from your" he poked my cheek "guitar. Reiki!"

"What?" he asked, pulling my hair.

I swear that I'm gonna drown him.

"Reiki, leave him alone..." Kyonosuke leaned on his arm. "Because I won't give you your bisquits."

"What?! How dare you?!" shouted Reiki, crossing his arms.

"Yes, I'm the oldest one here" you commented our conversation, ruffling my and Reiki's hair.

I had the slight feeling that your eyes were dim today. As if something was wrong with you.

"Yue?" I put my hand on your forehead. "Are you okay?"

It wasn't warm, but it was even too cold.

"Are you cold?" I asked.

"A little" you replied. "I'm a little slugish today."

"Maybe you want to sit down?" I asked, but you shook your head.

"I'll be okay" you smiled radiantly and I believed you.

I shouldn't, but you aren't me and you usually talk about your poor condition.

But I think that even you didn't know that something like that would happen.

"But tell me, if something happened" I asked you.

You nodded.

"Kyono!" I turned to our bandmates.

They of course didn't notice anything. They were too preoccupied with their banter and antics.

"I also feel that I'm older than them" I said and you laughed because of this.

It was just before photo session. I was adjusting the sleeves of my jacket, when I felt your hand on my shoulder.

"I feel dizzy..." it was everything you could say, because...

...I had to catch you a moment after. 

Your legs buckled under you and you fell to the floor without any of the grace that usually accompanied you.

So what if I bruised my knees during this action?

"Yue?!" I heard Reiki's voice and this was the moment, when I realised that this seriously isn't joke and I'm holding you in my arms, kneeling on this cold floor.

Later everything happened slow and fast at the same time. I felt like I was in a trance. The images moved in slow motion and people spoke terribly slurredly.

Everything was behind the fog. You were behind the fog and it was you, who I was holding in my arms.

That was the first time I heard it. That silent voice asking me, why I'm so worried actually.

You woke up after a long moment, when Kyonosuke lifted your legs and I did the same with your hands. Reiki brought you water.

We had to cancel the photo shoot. We also had to take you to the hospital. And I had to start shutting down that silent voice that talked about you all the time for the next six months. With every smile, gesture and kind word you made, it grew louder and louder, roaring in my ears and causing dreams I didn't understand.

And I had to admit that I have feelings for you. Even if I didn't want to. Even a little. I was annoyed, because my mind wanted something which I didn't want and I didn't need and...

...and even Kazuki laughed at me.

Do you understand? Kazuki. Laughed.

So I didn't accept this reality. This reality, in which I was so hopelessly in love with you and in which Reiki was leaning over my shoulder after every rehearsal, asking me, when I'll finally tell you, what I feel.

Until you didn't ask me, if I want to suffer alone or with you.

I chose the second option.

And now we could take care of each other.

The end

Panorama

Band: Kizu

Pairing: Yue&Lime

Rating: 17+

Genre: romance

Warnings: -

Note: Lime is thinking about his stubborness and what influence it has on others.

Water vapor was in the air. While still harmful, it didn't smell of nicotine. But he opened the window. Mainly so that he could pull his legs off the windowsill.

He probably will fall because of it some day. Maybe even today. But he felt unwell and wanted to watch the world like this.

Maybe because of his childhood, when his grandma sat him like this? And in some strange way it calmed him, because it reminded him of his childhood and these memories, when he thought that when he will be an adult he won't be so small and as tall and strong man like his father he would look down on all those stupid people who irritated him even then.

But Mother Nature isn't fair and he doesn't look like his father. He even doesn't have similar personality. Well, maybe he's stubborn like him. This stubborness forced him to write lyrics and music for three days and nights without sleeping, only with coffee and strong green tea power.

Did it end badly for his body? Not at all. This fainting on a rehearsal doesn't count, such situations happen often and to everyone...

...but not everyone worries with it the bandmates. And his koi that said he should go to damn sleep.

Except for the swearing, because that's what he only uses, when he gets really pissed off.

He was mad now too, but the worry took over everything. And although Lime didn't want to admit it and he certainly won't tell anyone, he still feels safe in Yue's arms. Which was why he didn't protest at all when Yue picked him up from the floor and carried him to the sofa.

Even Kyonosuke was worried. Kyonosuke! 

And Reiki, like Reiki, reacted too suddenly and with too much enthusiasm caused by the desire to help.

Yes, it's all because he's a stubborn as a mule. And his dad was like this too. Lime just that he won't end up like him.

He looked down. If he fell now, he would have joined his father for sure. But it's safe for now. Until he slips down.

"What the heck are you doing, Takuya?" he heard a voice from behind him and turned around.

Yue didn't like it, when Lime sat like that. He always had a bad feeling about this and tried to not see Takuya laying in the puddle of blood on the street in his mind.

"Don't panic" said Lime, he took a drag on the e-cigarette.

The citrus-scented water vapor rose in the air again.

"Get down from there, it's not the first floor, so you can sit down like that" Yue sighed softly. "Takuya."

"Alright, alright" Lime muttered, trying to come back into the apartment.

But it didn't work out.

It didn't work out very well.

So much so that if Yue hadn't grabbed him by his polka dot T-shirt, he would have seriously fallen.

And so, only his e-cigarette ended up like this.

"Well, I don't think that it's how quitting smoking looks like" said Lime, watching, how his e-cigarette breaks on the pavement. "We should go and clean this mess, because it's littering the environment."

Yue said nothing, but with a sweeping motion he pulled Lime inside and sat him on the floor. He closed the window with a thud and looked at Takuya angrily.

"Do you even know, what could happen?!" Yue rose his voice. "You could fall!"

"But I'm alive" Lime shrugged and froze, when Yue hugged him. "Yue?"

"You are an idiot" mumbled Yue.

Lime got lost in thoughts for a moment.

"I should start counting, how many times a day you're telling me this. You're doing this quite often."

"Because you don't listen to me" Yue released him and sighed. "Okay. So, what were you doing here? Again?"

"I was thinking" replied Lime, according to truth.

"About what?"

"I was wondering why, when something is happening to me, people overreact so much" Lime explained. "I don't like this. I'm not that infirm..."

"But you're just a human" Yue put hands on his shoulders and sat in the armchair. "And humans need sleep and friends."

"But..."

"No >>buts<<" interrupted him Yue. "If you weren't overworked yourself, we wouldn't be worried about you and we wouldn't be overreacting."

Lime sighed and sat on Yue's lap, hugging him.

"Your thighs are categorically too thin" he muttered, closing his eyes.

"I can feel" Yue replied, smiling a little wickedly.

Lime closed his eyes and almost fell asleep, when...

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?!"

...he realised, what this usually nice and kind bassist had just said.

Existential pain vanished. Now he would have to be seme tonight and everything will be okay.

The End

Silent Sorrow

Band: Dadaroma&Xaa-Xaa

Pairing: Yoshiatsu&Kazuki, mentioned Reiya&An

Rating: 17+

Genre: angst

Warnings: depression, based on real story

Note: Written after Dadaroma's hiatus (disband).

I've been staring at Reiya's phone's screen for a long time. Very long time.

I blinked.

But...

"Go to him" Reiya hid his phone in the pocket.

"But I... I..." my voice cracked.

I didn't know anything. I didn't notice anything.

Diving in my own sadness, just waiting for him to pull me out.

So why...

The roles have switched, right?

"I don't know, if I can..." I sat next to the wall. "I can't."

An sighed and he crouched down beside me.

"To be honest, nobody can. But you have to try" he said. "And even if you don't know, how... Probably your presence will be enough."

"I've been with him for a long time and I hadn't noticed anything!" I cried. "So what do you think I should do now?"

"There were days, when my voice couldn't get out from the very first song due to mental health issues."

"But don't yell at me" An put a hand on my shoulder. "You don't have to raise your voice."

"Do you have any idea, Haru?" asked Reiya. "Besides that Kazu should go home."

"No" Haru shook his head. "I just think this is the best solution in this situation."

"I think so too" Reiya pulled out cigarettes from his pocket and tried to lit one, but he couldn't. "Oh, right. My lighter has run out of fuel."

"And very well, you can do a day without these cancer sticks" said An.

Reiya just snorted.

"I think so" he started, walking to me and gave me a hand. "But now I wanted to somehow vent this tense atmosphere."

I grabbed Reiya's hand and stood up. I hugged him. He stroke my head like when we were kids.

"Go home" he just whispered and let me go.

I grabbed my bag and went home. I didn't want to, confronting Yoshiatsu at this point was the last thing I needed in my life.

But I had to talk to him. I had to find out everything. I needed to know why the ground I had under my feet and which I was convinced was hard rock turned out to be thin ice.

Probably because I believed that those scars on his arm covered by tattoos are just a trace of the past.

After all, "his private life is shit"...

* * *

I opened door to my flat. Yoshiatsu stood in the kitchen and was making tea, humming happily.

"Kazu?" he was confused, when he saw me. "What are you doing here? I thought your rehearsal hadn't ended yet."

"Reiya let me go earlier" I explained, putting my bag on the floor.

I still didn't know what to do. How I could even start this stupid conversation?

"Reiya? He let you go earlier?" in his voice I heard the worry.

He put a cup on the table and put a hand on my shoulder.

"What happened, Kazu? Are you in a sad mood?"

He seriously...

Ugh.

I hugged him. Tightly. So tightly that he groaned.

"Kazuki, you're going to break my ribs" he laughed shortly. "What happened, you can tell me eve..."

"You tell me" I replied.

I felt him tense up. I think he figured it out. He has never been stupid.

"...have you seen this post?" he asked after a moment.

"Yes" I admitted.

I pushed him away from me, but I didn't take my hands from his shoulders.

"I knew you would finally see it, but..." he sighed softly. "Don't worry, it's just my..."

"But I care!" I clenched my fingers on his arms tight enough that he hissed in pain. "And I'll be worried. Just because I have my worries, that I have a spiderweb of scars on my psyche and that sometimes I really don't want to exist in this stupid world doesn't mean you can't tell me about your sadness, for gods' sake!"

Yoshiatsu had been staring at me for a while, then he took off my hands from his arms and cuddled up to me.

"What's going on, Yocchi?" I asked, feeling that my shirt is getting wet. "Yocchi?"

"I don't know" I heard the answer. "I really don't know..."

"It's been always like this?"

"Yes..."

"And you were hiding it?"

"Yes..."

"Awesome" I stroke his head. "And have you dealt with me and my crises?"

"Yes..."

"Do you want to cry?"

"Y-yes..." Yoshiatsu said with a trembling voice, clenching his fingers on my shirt.

He's been sobbing for a long time. Even if our legs started to hurt and we sat on the carpet, he's been still crying.

I knew from my own experience that stopping this waterfall is useless. Because nobody can stop it.

I don't even know, when we laid down. I don't even know, when it hit our downcast minds that we were lying down and that the carpet was actually soft enough.

And then we laid on the floor like two dumbasses among the hurriedly shed clothes, stroking the other one and promising each other that everything would be okay.

But I don't know, if any of us still believes it.

The end