Silent Sorrow

Band: Dadaroma&Xaa-Xaa

Pairing: Yoshiatsu&Kazuki, mentioned Reiya&An

Rating: 17+

Genre: angst

Warnings: depression, based on real story

Note: Written after Dadaroma's hiatus (disband).

I've been staring at Reiya's phone's screen for a long time. Very long time.

I blinked.

But...

"Go to him" Reiya hid his phone in the pocket.

"But I... I..." my voice cracked.

I didn't know anything. I didn't notice anything.

Diving in my own sadness, just waiting for him to pull me out.

So why...

The roles have switched, right?

"I don't know, if I can..." I sat next to the wall. "I can't."

An sighed and he crouched down beside me.

"To be honest, nobody can. But you have to try" he said. "And even if you don't know, how... Probably your presence will be enough."

"I've been with him for a long time and I hadn't noticed anything!" I cried. "So what do you think I should do now?"

"There were days, when my voice couldn't get out from the very first song due to mental health issues."

"But don't yell at me" An put a hand on my shoulder. "You don't have to raise your voice."

"Do you have any idea, Haru?" asked Reiya. "Besides that Kazu should go home."

"No" Haru shook his head. "I just think this is the best solution in this situation."

"I think so too" Reiya pulled out cigarettes from his pocket and tried to lit one, but he couldn't. "Oh, right. My lighter has run out of fuel."

"And very well, you can do a day without these cancer sticks" said An.

Reiya just snorted.

"I think so" he started, walking to me and gave me a hand. "But now I wanted to somehow vent this tense atmosphere."

I grabbed Reiya's hand and stood up. I hugged him. He stroke my head like when we were kids.

"Go home" he just whispered and let me go.

I grabbed my bag and went home. I didn't want to, confronting Yoshiatsu at this point was the last thing I needed in my life.

But I had to talk to him. I had to find out everything. I needed to know why the ground I had under my feet and which I was convinced was hard rock turned out to be thin ice.

Probably because I believed that those scars on his arm covered by tattoos are just a trace of the past.

After all, "his private life is shit"...

* * *

I opened door to my flat. Yoshiatsu stood in the kitchen and was making tea, humming happily.

"Kazu?" he was confused, when he saw me. "What are you doing here? I thought your rehearsal hadn't ended yet."

"Reiya let me go earlier" I explained, putting my bag on the floor.

I still didn't know what to do. How I could even start this stupid conversation?

"Reiya? He let you go earlier?" in his voice I heard the worry.

He put a cup on the table and put a hand on my shoulder.

"What happened, Kazu? Are you in a sad mood?"

He seriously...

Ugh.

I hugged him. Tightly. So tightly that he groaned.

"Kazuki, you're going to break my ribs" he laughed shortly. "What happened, you can tell me eve..."

"You tell me" I replied.

I felt him tense up. I think he figured it out. He has never been stupid.

"...have you seen this post?" he asked after a moment.

"Yes" I admitted.

I pushed him away from me, but I didn't take my hands from his shoulders.

"I knew you would finally see it, but..." he sighed softly. "Don't worry, it's just my..."

"But I care!" I clenched my fingers on his arms tight enough that he hissed in pain. "And I'll be worried. Just because I have my worries, that I have a spiderweb of scars on my psyche and that sometimes I really don't want to exist in this stupid world doesn't mean you can't tell me about your sadness, for gods' sake!"

Yoshiatsu had been staring at me for a while, then he took off my hands from his arms and cuddled up to me.

"What's going on, Yocchi?" I asked, feeling that my shirt is getting wet. "Yocchi?"

"I don't know" I heard the answer. "I really don't know..."

"It's been always like this?"

"Yes..."

"And you were hiding it?"

"Yes..."

"Awesome" I stroke his head. "And have you dealt with me and my crises?"

"Yes..."

"Do you want to cry?"

"Y-yes..." Yoshiatsu said with a trembling voice, clenching his fingers on my shirt.

He's been sobbing for a long time. Even if our legs started to hurt and we sat on the carpet, he's been still crying.

I knew from my own experience that stopping this waterfall is useless. Because nobody can stop it.

I don't even know, when we laid down. I don't even know, when it hit our downcast minds that we were lying down and that the carpet was actually soft enough.

And then we laid on the floor like two dumbasses among the hurriedly shed clothes, stroking the other one and promising each other that everything would be okay.

But I don't know, if any of us still believes it.

The end